Question 1:

What do I complain about most that I actually have the power to change but won’t?

So often we get caught up in complaining about mundane things. Things that happen sporadically throughout the day that make us go Ugh. Unloading our thoughts is one thing but complaining without action is just obnoxious, and we are all guilty.

One thing I complain about is never having enough money to do the things I like to do. The solution is to monitor my spending better and downsize parts of my life financially, lower bills, limit frivolous spending, etc.

HELLO! We are battling a recession and escalating prices with little available work and those jobs are not paying livable wages. Finances is something that many people struggle with. This is not the kind of deep dive we are looking for.

WHY am I not doing the simple things that will change what it is I am complaining about. The solution seems so simple. Micro adjustments to spending patterns. Don’t be frivolous.

So why is it so hard?

DOPAMINE! ADHD!

I know that sounds like an excuse but that’s not why I bring it up. I see it more as a hurdle, an obstacle. Something that I live with every day; unmedicated! Whee! I have spent the majority of my life navigating my ADD knowing I didn’t want to take medication. Yes it makes things difficult at times, but if you can recognize your hurdles and have methods of dealing with them life is easy!

I say all of this to say…. complaining get us nowhere, action is the solution. Besides, no one wants to hear people complain.

Mark Twain once said that if you have to eat a live frog, do it first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you for the rest of the day. So, what Frog are you eating today?

I have come across a few instances where I am asked my weight. It has only ever been by my nearest and dearest, not some creepy stranger! It doesn’t bother me but I usually get an interesting look when I respond “I don’t know, I don’t get on my scale.” I have made it a life choice to measure my weight loss using other markers, mainly how my clothes fit or how I look in them. I can generally tell a day or two after an eating binge that I made bad choices. I feel bloated and my clothes feel too clingy and uncomfortable. If I have let go of all of the water that I had been retaining, my clothes fit better and I feel slimmer. This also goes with exercise. If I change up my routine I can see a slight difference, even if it is just in my face. So I’m sure you’re wondering, why I’m telling you all of this, well, its because my scale is an asshole. A few days ago I got on my scale for the first time in weeks as an attempt to see how my hard work paid off. I had set a goal for my birthday which is rapidly approaching. While ultimately my goal was to eat healthier, feel better, and lose some weight before ringing in year 35, I had a particular size that I wanted to be.

The struggle has been real y’all. I have had my good days and my bad days. Luckily, I have found a hobby/exercise that I really enjoy. It has made a small impact on my body but not enough to really show in how my clothes fit. I was feeling particularly sassy this day and was totally impressed when the scale said I had lost eighteen pounds. 18 whole pounds! Awesome! But that excitement was quickly slashed when I had a minute to think about it. None, NONE, of my clothes fit differently, like, at all. With an 18 pound weight loss, it would show by needing to drop at least one pant size. I keep at least one pair of pants in 4 different sizes at any given time (thank you Aunt Kay) just in case. But my work pants (which I wear every day) fit tighter, not looser….. hm…. I asked my husband to get on the scale at some point to see if he had the same problem. He did! It said he lost 15 pounds in one day. ok… asshole scale…. I see you. The next morning I get on the scale, just to see, not holding hope that I would see that same delightful number, and sure enough, I magically gained 15 pounds over night… which we all know is NOT possible.

I felt so amazing seeing that lower number on the scale, thinking I was THAT much closer to finally reaching my goal in just a few short weeks. No. And I’m ok with that. Throughout my journey these last few months, I have been focusing on doing things that make me feel good emotionally, spiritually, and physically. I have been rediscovering my inner sunshine and just working on myself. My husband and I have opposite schedules so it makes it easy with all of the time I spend alone. At first, it was hard, and I definitely did not make the best of choices for a few months. It has been an onslaught of difficult situations and as the days go by, I am dealing with them differently and actually focusing on my reactions and feelings about things. It has been incredibly freeing and up-lifting. I have done the work so that I am set up to not go into 2020 with the same demons that I brought into 2019. This is the best weight I could have lost.

Ultimately, non-scale victories are the best ones. These come in so many different forms. We are constantly evolving physically and emotionally. Please use this a reminder that the number on the scale does not need to define you. If you are like me and have struggled your whole life with your yo-yo-ing weight, find one smaller thing that you can adjust in your life to help make you feel better. When you feel better, you will look better, even if it is just the fact that your face is finally relaxed and you seem at peace. When you look better, you will want to take better care of yourself. It is a beautiful cycle. It is also a daily struggle, but just like with exercise, it doesn’t get easier, you just get stronger. We all have hard days, but it is about your perspective. The “bad” things in life help teach us a lesson, find that lesson, so next time, it won’t be so bad. I have changed my terminology when talking about my experiences. I no longer have bad days, I have challenging days. These are days where I seriously struggle, but upon reflection, recognize that I am not perfect, but perfectly imperfect.

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The wise sages that came before us said in order to be successful you must do one thing daily that scares you. Well, these past few weeks have been frightfully exciting. I have managed to build up the courage to finally follow one of my biggest dreams. I am about to become a business owner. Today I took the biggest step which for some reason really terrified me. After a long conversation with my brother (a lawyer who recently opened his own firm) about legal and logistical moves for opening a business, I have printed and now filled out the Llc paperwork. Next week, I will file my LLC paperwork and this dream will become a reality.

The only other time I felt this frightfully excited was on the day of my wedding. The dream finally becoming a reality and it almost doesn’t even seem real. Terrified about what the future holds, what it all means, but so excited that all of the hard work that went into planning everything is finally coming to light and at the end of the day, you have the best prize ever; a husband and now a business. I have had the most amazingly supportive network of friends and family. So many people that have believed in me when I didn’t feel I was worth believing in.

So many times in life my anxiety has bested me and I have turned away from things that really would bring me joy. For those that don’t suffer from anxiety, it is like a crippling inner monologue that reminds you why you shouldn’t leave the house or why it just isn’t going to work out. You always prepare for the worst and often times convince yourself that if the worst is going to happen that it isn’t even worth attempting. I have struggled with this for as long as I can remember. I would often throw fits before going to gymnastics, which I loved! My saint of a father would load me up in the car, talk me through it with my gym bag in the back complete with my leotard, water bottle, gym towel, and who knows what else. He would remind me every time how my friends were there waiting for me, how much I had improved from the last time, and that today I may even be able to jump on the big trampoline (which I loved). Every time I would be crying hysterically and so afraid of falling on my head or breaking my ankle or who knows what other disasters I could come up with. These theatrics would happen before just about anything I did with the exception of soccer and choir. Just as my father would say, once I got there and saw my friends, I was fine. I would change quickly and bid him a quick “see you later” and run off with my friends. It was always a matter of having to get over myself and my emotional “what-ifs.”

Now that I am older, I just have to remind myself of all of the “what-if’s” I’ve accomplished and all of the beautiful things that have come from throwing caution to the wind and realizing that it doesn’t always have to go as planned or that one set back isn’t the end-all-be-all. Set backs or mistakes are lessons. They are the gems from which we design the most beautiful pictures. It has taken a long time for me to learn to just accept them and move on. I often have to take a few deep breaths and realize that my body’s “gut” reaction isn’t always the rational one. This is just how I am programmed and once I push past it I can accomplish literally anything.

I have been skiing my whole life, which in essence is strapping two boards to the bottom of your feet and hurling yourself in controlled chaos down a mountainside. I have run a half marathon, 13.1 miles, a ridiculous amount of miles. I have ridden horses and jumped them in competition. I have traveled to many countries around the world. I have packed up my life and moved half way across the country, twice. I have quit a great job to completely change careers with no idea of where it was going to lead. These are the things that define our lives, not the “what if’s.”

I say all of that to say this: stop getting in your own way. Stop thinking and start doing. The best risks are worth taking and at the end of the day you will regret the things you didn’t do more than the things that didn’t work out as planned. It is ok to be frightfully excited!

Here is to the next chapter, and maybe even a whole new book!

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I was talking with a colleague yesterday when we bumped into each other at the Whole Foods on Park lane. we were catching up between meetings. Seeing as this wasn’t either of our home locations, it was fun running into each other. I was filling her in on my new role in my position and the direction that my boss is wanting to take my training when it struck me, I am so blessed.

Since I started my journey into the culinary industry, I have had the honor and privilege of working under some seriously wonderful and famous chefs, but the problem kept falling to the fact that I was female and many of them weren’t.

We have recently become inundated by reports of sexual harassment, abuse, or gender inequality in the restaurant/hospitality business but for those of us actually in the industry, this is absolutely nothing new. I have been overlooked for promotions time and time again simply because I’m “female and emotional.”

I was working as a level 1 cook while two men who graduated from the same school the same year with similar experience were promoted to supervisor and lead line cook. These two often looked to me to resolve problems and would lean on me like a lead line cook. I had to gently remind them that while I am happy to help, that they should probably lean on the other line cooks before coming to me.

The chefs that I have worked with tend to be older and are still in the mindset that women belong at home and not in the professional kitchen. There was nothing that I could do to change their minds. Through the help of some seriously wonderful colleagues and chefs I have been able to climb my way through the industry.

There is one chef to whom I owe almost everything. He was my Sous chef at Disney when I was completing my internship. He and one other (who happened to be female) really noticed my potential and the fact that I had experience elsewhere that really helped my be the best I could be in the kitchen. He would keep pushing me, sometimes to the point where I wanted to walk out. These challenges are what helped me grow and eventually gave me the strength to stand up to the other chefs. He really showed me what I was worth in the kitchen and how to manage the people that I worked with so I didn’t get bogged down. To him, I wasn’t just a cute girl in a chef coat playing house or pretending to be Julia Child, I was a protege.

One of my coworkers from Disney recruited both me and my (now) husband to work for him when a Master Chef brought him on as Executive Chef for his new restaurant idea. My husband would be the sous and I was to be the kitchen manager. The Master Chef needed a little convincing seeing as he didn’t work with many women in the kitchen. (Again, from a different generation not used to women being powerhouses in the professional field.) I came in, humble, started with dishes and prep, and by the next day, I jumped on the line and helped out. I showed him what I brought to the table right out of the gate. I helped get everything organized in the kitchen, would be assisting with orders, scheduling, receiving product, and eventually was given keys to the restaurant and the code to the alarm. In just a month, I went from a “girl in the kitchen” to kitchen manager. The most rewarding part was when he would come in, see who was there (usually me and my husband) say “ok, great, I have nothing to worry about. What are the specials for today?” We would make him a plate and he would go into the dining room and talk with the GM. It was so nice to know that he trusted us to run his restaurant for him.

I currently find myself in a position at Whole Foods where I am working with some seriously strong and fabulous women. I have found my home with this team. While we have some challenges with clashing personalities and are trying to find our groove with one another, we come together like no other and manage our team of 60. Our team is the highest producing team in the DFW metroplex and we make up almost 30% of total stores sales. There are a lot of moving parts that we have to manage in order to keep our machine moving. Some days are harder than others, but we make it look effortless. When I came to this new store which opened in September, I was part of a different team. I wanted to learn wine/beer/cheese and try a different part of the food industry other than the kitchen. A few of my former coworkers were working with my boss and told her how amazing I was. I was completely unaware of these conversations until she approached me and offered me a position as a supervisor on her team. I thought she was joking and started laughing. Nope, she was dead serious. She explained that she had heard great things and wanted me to be part of this amazing group. I rolled the offer around in my head for a couple days, completely awestruck, and finally agreed. Fast forward to 4 months later, she comes to me again and says, “I have big plans for you, you will be my project. I want to get you out of here as soon as I can.” Meaning, I want to get you promoted and moved on to manage your own team. Again, I was awestruck. It took a few days for me to realize what was happening.

I have never had someone believe in me as much as she does. She has really nurtured me professionally and said I even remind her of herself ( a great compliment). She explained that I take feedback really well and that I have serious potential with this company. It feels so good to finally have a boss/manager who sees me for me and for what I have to offer. She is pushing me in a similar way that my first sous chef was. She is feeding me professionally and watching me blossom.

I think the hardest part of being a woman in the kitchen is breaking through these preconceived ideas of a woman’s role both personally and professionally. It is a constant battle which is interesting considering the amount of powerful and influential women in the professional kitchen. Many of whom have had to work harder than any man to be taken seriously.

I have lost a lot through the course of my career, found great jobs, lost great jobs, been underestimated, been pushed to my breaking point, punished for standing up to my chef, dismissed, brushed aside, everything. At one point I was so depressed that I didn’t know if I could dig myself back out. That was when I decided to take a step back and see what else there was for me out there. It wasn’t worth my sanity.

As women, we need to lean on one another and help each other grow to reach our greatest potential. This is difficult because we are programed from an early age that we must tear one another down in order to excel above the rest. We need to break this cycle and really nurture one another. This is the only way that we can close the gender gap. Women are so much stronger than we are given credit for and it is time to show our truest potential.

It is important that we surround ourselves with powerful and strong women. Whether they are stay and home moms (warriors), CEO’s, entrepreneurs, chefs, writers, etc., we need to band together. I am fortunate to be surrounded by some seriously wonderful women who have each influenced my growth in their own way. While we all pretty much live in different areas of the country (or even world), we are never more than a phone call away and will always be supportive of one another. I have women in my family who have fought for women’s rights through at least 4 generations. I have women in my family still fighting for equal rights. I have pioneers, women who went to college when it was taboo, women who grew to powerful positions in their companies, women who rose up in government positions, women who went back to school to get a job to support a family of 6, we are amazing. All of us. We each have our own battles that we choose to show the world, but also those that we keep close to the vest. I encourage each of us to go out there and band together for a stronger sisterhood!

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Normally I have serious anxiety about flying because I just don’t understand the physics of it. I also have a massive fear of heights; well, not so much the height but rather the pain that comes from falling from heights. I’ve been this way since probably high school. I was a pretty fearless kid but then I became jaded. Life happened. I was emotionally scarred from the elitist kids I went to school with, been beaten up and broken down time and time again. I have always struggled socially and am able to fake it until I make it pretty well. (Usually through the help of some perfectly timed cocktails) I’ve mastered the art of fake meaningless conversation and realize that through all of this, I’m still here!

Once upon a time, what seems like a lifetime ago, I was a fearless child. My parents tell me that I was that way pretty much from the beginning. I was barely 2 years old, still in diapers, at a house party where my father’s band was playing. The house had a fabulous pool in the back yard and I thought it was the coolest thing. I just took it upon myself to just help myself to a dip! So I just jumped right in! I was also the kid who ran into the ocean not caring about what might lurk under the waves, ski like a bat out of hell, climb on everything and decide that a great hobby would be doing back flips and cartwheels.

Where did that fearless girl go? Why do we let go of that mindset? Life cannot be that brutal that we find ourselves struggling to find joy and excitement in the new and unexplored. I have a sticky note on my computer with the quote “do something that scares you every day.” It is a reminder that generally, nothing is so dangerous or scary that you are going to die. So stop fearing death and start living life.

It’s hard to just go with the flow and surrender control but if we want to shake the fear and if we want to be a happy and successful person, we have to just surrender. Have faith that it is all going to work out. Know that in the end, whatever it is that you fear, if you face it head on you will come out on the other side that much stronger. You will hold your head just a little higher and stand just a little taller. You will find that the things that scare you aren’t so scary anymore. The monsters under your bed are just little kitties who need a little love.

So what is fear really? It is a feeling that we have as a defense mechanism. It is to help us survive in this brutal world. the world is too big and beautiful to miss out on and if you cower behind your fear, life will pass you by. The only thing you will regret is a missed opportunity. So take that step, ask for that raise, climb that mountain and try something new and be open to growth.

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*** we start with a vacation ***

Vacation time is hard to come by in our industry. We often find ourselves understaffed and overworked but without anyone to cover us while we are gone. So the opportunity to get away is something that we treasure. On this much needed break from our reality, I realized that as much as I love what I do, I don’t love its physical and emotional toll it takes on me and my relationships. I know that whatever I choose to do with my life will eventually consume it until I get it fully self sufficient and am able to take some serious time off, but what if it doesn’t need to be that way? What if I can find a job doing the things that really sing to my heart. This brings me back to the question of “what do you want to be when you grow up?” And why do we have to wait until we retire to do the things that matter most to us in life? I”m tired of waiting, it is time to take life by the balls. It is time for me to control my own destiny and happiness and not wait until someone recognizes my potential or decides that I am finally “good enough.”

But what to do I want to do? I have been playing with my new camera that my husband bought me as an early Hanukkah present just after we got married. I brought it on this vacation with me and found that I am actually a great photographer. I don’t know how to use editing programs yet but I do know how to find the contrasts in lighting and how to make textures pop. Perhaps I am onto something with this photography thing but I find it difficult to be inspired while inside the great city of Dallas. Nature is where the beauty is. Nature is that I am most drawn to and how absolutely incredible the universe truly is. Being able to capture the energy behind something or the essence of beauty in something simple that we would ordinarily take for granted is what I love to do. Looking at things from a different perspective both literally and metaphorically.

My vacation from a different point of view is just what I needed to open my eyes. I was looking at our long time vacation spot from the back side of a camera and my husband really showed me what all that spot had to offer. There was so much that I had never taken the time to look at before and all I needed was a gentle push to see its real potential. Exploring was never really something that I enjoyed doing and in most cases brought me some sort of anxiety. Having him by my side let me know that getting lost would be ok, that we could find our way home no problem. Together we can do anything. Together we can take this step to live life to the fullest. I have felt like these last few years have really just flown by and that all I seem to do is plan to do things but never actually make them happen.

When I came home from my vacation, I learned that a friend had recently quit her job to live life in the moment and spend quality time with her wife and triplets. The first thing I felt was a real sense of envy and was so proud of her for taking that scary step. But as I read her story, I realized that that step doesn’t have to be so scary and that with just a little bit of planning, is a step that we can all take. So what is holding me back? I am sitting watching everyone take the leap that I am too afraid to make but want to so desperately. So what am I so afraid of, success or failure?

Why would someone be afraid of success? Because it means more responsibility and more demand for you and your time. It would mean more stress and more anxiety. These are all things that I don’t necessarily want more of. I find comfort in not having all of the responsibility and in knowing that all I have to do is show up to work, do my job, and go home. Even if it doesn’t bring me the most joy, it creates a level of comfort. I don’t like that I have no control over my own situation and seem to be planning my life around work, rather than the other way around. So I find myself in an odd dilemma.

The flip side of that same coin is being afraid of failure. Most people are. We set out to do something new and pioneer a whole new world but what if we fail, what if we don’t find greatness on the other side and we have walked away from the comfort of monotony? There is no fun in failure, only lessons to be learned. So, I ask “So what if I fail?”, at least I had the courage to try. At least I pushed my own boundaries and grew in some way. I have taken many leaps of faith in the past and to me this may just be one more. At the end of the day, what is the worst that can happen? You pick yourself up, dust yourself off, and try again. I read somewhere that a winner is just a loser who got back up. So get back up! Every failure is just an opportunity in disguise. An opportunity to try things a different way. Everyone who is successful in this world is someone who was rejected, or told no, or was told their ideas were stupid/crazy/out of this world. They never let that get them down, they persevered.

What are the things that matter the most to us? For some of us it is material things, for others it is experiences. Life is comprised of a series of small moments that get strung along in a chain of events that suddenly define who we are as a person. As we look back and reflect on who we are and how we got to where we are, it is interesting to see the path that was taken. Are you blazing your own way or are you following a path that was set before you? Are you a risk taker and a pioneer, or are you comfortable in the daily rituals of life? Do you rely on others for their light or do you let your light shine for others?

We all have something that makes us tick. For me, it is the ocean and nature. I miss living by water. I am reminded of everything that I gave up for a better opportunity as I commute through the cold city where the only landscape is future building sites that have been bulldozed. I look forward to the day when I am no longer chained to my job. The day when I am free to travel and do what it is I love to do. My goal for this year is to set myself up to be able to enjoy myself more. Learn more about myself and discover just who I am. Now that I am officially 1/3 of the way through my potentially 100 years of life, it is time to live for me. I have spent so much of my life working toward something, some goal, some better version of myself or my life that I lost track of what life is really about. I no longer find myself looking to enjoy every small moment in the day. I no longer look for the small moments and am perpetually feeling rushed from one task to another watching the hours of my day fly by and days turn into weeks in the blink of an eye. I feel like I have lost so much time and that is something that I am working hard to change.

I have said for years that I work to live, not live to work. While I love my job and many of the people I work with, I have made work the focus of my life and have lost sight of what really matters. When my (now) husband and I lived in Florida, we made time to go down to the beach and go fishing every opportunity we had. It didn’t matter if we had to work the next day, if we had 15 hours, we would drive 2 hours down south to a great fishing spot, fish over night, nap in the car, and show back up for work the next day. We didn’t have to make time to live, we just naturally looked for every opportunity. Now that we live in Dallas and have higher level jobs, we have to be more available for work and as a result have lost sight of the things that bring us joy. We no longer look for those opportunities, either because its too late, or simply because we are too tired. The funny thing is that what seems like a lifetime ago was in actuality just two years ago.

It is as if we force ourselves to try to enjoy the moments as they fly by. A five day vacation seemed like nothing and we didn’t really get to relax because while we were out of town, work was still on the phone every day. We shouldn’t have to go away to get away. Home should be a sanctuary and not just a place we pass through between shifts at work. I have set up my desk/office at work in a way that reminds me what I am working so hard for. I am working hard for a simpler life. There are photos of beaches and mermaids all around my desk. Reminders of a life that I used to have and long for again. It is as if through the struggle of crappy jobs, a crappy job market, a crappy economy, and little to no money, we managed to find joy in the little things. When did we let go of that? When did it become about building a life and not living one?

What is the point of building a great life, having the money, the cars, the apartment, when you don’t find joy in the little things anymore? What is the point when you are too busy or too exhausted to enjoy these things? Life is about the small moments between doing the things you “have” to do. We mustn’t give in to the hustle and bustle of “adulthood.” We should always keep that childlike fantasy within us and remember that some of the greatest adventures are the simplest ones. It is as if I am sitting here waiting for some sort of universal awakening. I remember the freeing moment when I really wanted to go for a run but it was raining. A friend jokingly said over the phone “just go run in the rain.” So I did. I don’t like being wet and cold, but it was so incredibly refreshing and I just felt amazing to be in nature and trudging along on the soggy running path that I had run every day before that. Suddenly I was able to see through the fog, as if the rain washed away my problems, and I felt clear.

So it is time to get back to the simple life. Time to get back to the things that matter. Time to make a change. Time to take my life back and remember what is truly important. While I have tasted what it is like to have a good job and some good money, I don’t feel any happier for it. I don’t feel like life is any better for it. When the circumstance change, its ok to change your mind. Well, I’m here to say I’m changing my mind. I’m making other plans. There is greatness on the horizon and many adventures to come. I welcome all of it with open arms, scared as hell. Nothing worth having comes easy, so lets lace up the boots and get down to it.

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Making Other Plans was originally published in Misadventuers of a chef at home on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

As a society, we have just accepted that all women want to be mothers and that it is just natural at this point in life to assume that they either have kids or are planning to soon. I am quickly realizing from my own personal encounters that this isn’t always the case. Most of the time, I am asked by various family members. It is expected from parents and is an open conversation to discuss how they planned their family and to get some advice from those closest to you. What do we do about those who are more distant family or even people who are barely acquaintances?

We as a society are putting a lot of pressure on women to continue this antiquated notion of family planning and that our day-to-day life is anyone’s business but our own. Why must everything about women be open to the scrutiny of everyone? From our pay, career choices, family planning, health care, hygiene products, fashion, and even our opinions; each are being decided by people who really have no say in how we decide our life path. We are no longer in an age where “Stepford” is a way of life. We don’t all want to follow the same path and honestly, since the invention of birth control pills, women have come a really long way. We are focusing more on careers, taking control of our lives, and deciding if, how, or when to have a family.

I have been trying to explain to certain people close to me that while I want to have a family, I don’t want to be pregnant. This has been received with some seriously confused faces. You can tell that they are trying to figure out how one could possibly start a family without actually getting pregnant! The answer is easy, the same way they did it in the book of Exodus, adoption. The interesting part about this point of the conversation is that both my brother and I are adopted. Both of our adoptions were finalized before we were born and we knew no parents or home other than that of our wonderful family. We were given every opportunity in the world and welcomed with open arms by all members of our extended family and friends. So it is a mystery to me why these same people who welcomed us are perplexed by the notion of someone who is able to bear children simply not wanting to.

Trying to explain this to my maternal grandmother was the hardest. She had four children, the youngest born when my grandmother was in her early 40’s. She goes on to tell me that there is no experience like being pregnant and giving birth. I’m sure that it was magical for her, as this was her dream. She comes from a large family and wanted to continue that joy in her own family. My husband has the same dreams, he too wants a large family. His sister has four girls and he is the youngest of three. Me personally, I enjoy my small family unit of 4. We are very close and very supportive of each other.

My father is a surgeon and my mother is a scientist. I look at things very differently than most people. I see things for what they are clinically and not what the fantasy of it could be. I see child birth and pregnancy as things that are painful, stressful, and generally uncomfortable for extended periods of time. While I know that the science of growing a human being is nothing short of a miracle and that a child is a miracle in and of itself, I struggle to find excitement in 9 months of discomfort, restrictions, delicate states, just to struggle through the real pain that is child birth. While science has come a long way in the last 50 years and the mortality rate of childbirth is significantly lower, there are still lots of long and short term risks to pregnancy and child birth. Diabetes, blood clots, weight gain, preeclampsia, just to name a few. If everything goes perfectly, there are little risks. Just as with anything that we do in life. But how often do things go just perfectly?

One of my friends often tells me about how she almost killed her mother when she was born, another describes how miserable she was for 9 months, and one more explains that pregnancy brain is real because without it you would remember the first time and swear you would never have a second. Then comes the fun part, after the child is born! Breast feed or bottle feed? Breast milk or formula? Go back to work, or stay home? Child care, school, or Nanny? Home school, pubic school, or private school?

Lord, men have it easy. They wake up, go to work, come home, spend some quality time with family, then go to bed and do it all again tomorrow. Few men know the joy/struggle of raising a family. And don’t get me started on single parent families. Family is something that is extremely important to both of me and my husband, but I’m loving where our lives are currently and am in no rush to change things. I don’t see either of us being able or willing to quit our jobs to raise kids; which opens a whole new can of worms. It is unthinkable that a woman doesn’t want to quit her job to raise a family, but hardly anyone bats an eye at the idea of a man not wanting to quit his job to raise a family. The woman is selfish and the man is simply trying to provide for his family.

I’d like to think that we are in a different time where these aren’t the truths but when I engage in these conversations, these are the honest and true reactions that I am getting. I am often left dumbfounded. We live in a very invasive society that feels entitled to everyone’s business. We thrive on transparency and are caught off guard when people try and keep things private. With information at our fingertips and social media, it is rare that people want to keep things to themselves. It just goes to remind us that nothing is exactly as it seems.

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Is It Really Their Business? was originally published in Misadventuers of a chef at home on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.