~Shannon L. Alder

What is love like these days? Ask a stranger what their take on love is, and they might give you a series of answers. They might say, that love is the feeling of a warm blanket and a hot cup of coffee on a cold morning, or love is the phone call of a loved one when they’re feeling low, or that love is having a pizza out of a box with friends while watching a trashy rom-com, or that love is the feeling of finding joy in the joy of others. It gets different when we think of romantic or intimate love though, then the answers don’t flow out so easily. Someone might say, that love is that feeling of knowing that your significant other is the one, or love is finding them attractive despite their flaws and shortcomings, as they accept your own, or that love is enjoying how they make you feel so much, that the two of you can do absolutely nothing, and still have fun. The pure, unconditional kind of love.

Amidst all the cheesy movies, the deep poetry, the songs about heartbreak, the couples outside on Valentine’s Day, and the people swiping on Tinder at 9 pm on a Friday night, the idea of romantic love has changed over the past 50 years. Ironically speaking, even though our population is higher than it ever has been, and technology and the internet have given us the means to be more connected with each other, finding love has never been more difficult. Forget love, even finding company or friendship has never been more difficult. Reports show that in today’s world, with us being more digitally connected than ever, an estimated 33% of the world’s population is lonely, with numbers ranging from country to country. Individuals aged 18–24 were found to be the highest group that reported loneliness, with nearly 60% revealing negative effects on their well-being from feelings of loneliness. Social isolation and loneliness plague our cities across the world, flooding our social media feeds with what our lives can be, and who can accompany us.

What is settling in a relationship?

Definitions are limited, and language is limited. However, for the purpose of this article, having a general concept of the subject is helpful. The typical definition of settling as per various relationship coaches, sex and marriage therapists, and clinical psychologists can be described as a situation where someone is ready to accept less than what they want or feel like they deserve. To be more specific, settling is when someone’s wants, needs, expectations and deepest desires aren’t being met in their relationship, and yet they choose to stay. While there are many reasons why someone may be settling for what they have, a common one is the belief that they don’t deserve anything other than what they have, or that this is all they are capable of having. In most cases, someone might settle due to an aversion towards being single again, i.e. fear of loneliness.

People settle in a relationship because it’s easy. Why wouldn’t they? When you’ve spent years of your life with one person, building a foundation of trust, loyalty, and partnership, it only makes sense to keep things going as they are, even if that means putting love on the back foot. After all, breaking up means going back into the dating world and starting from scratch all over again, going through the process of putting yourself out there, whether physically or through online dating. If you’ve ever had bad experiences with online dating, you know what I’m talking about. Then, it’s the process of getting to know someone and finding out if they’re the one, which is often much easier said than done. All of this requires effort, which is nothing short of a gamble for someone in their 30s, 40s, or even older. That’s the age where people typically think about having a family or growing their family. Is finding love at that age too far-fetched of an idea? Maybe. Should it be discounted? Maybe not.

When it comes to ‘settling’, it’s difficult for someone to look at another couple from a third-person lens and say that the love has just ‘faded away’. Different people and different couples have their own ways of expressing love, and so this is not a judgmental claim about who is in love and who is settling. That is a question only the people in the relationships can ask themselves. Many times a couple experiences strong attraction and infatuation with their partners during the first few days, weeks, and months of the relationship, typically known as the honeymoon phase. With time, however, the colour may start to fade away and they start looking for new ways to get excited. New distractions to keep things fresh. Some couples choose to get a pet, some choose to have kids. Some choose to invest towards a new house, car, marriage, the list goes on. While these are all important milestones to work towards, they aren’t antidotes to a dry relationship. Getting a house makes sense from a financial perspective, but often it’s one of the many variables that can tie a couple together, even when the love begins to fade away.

This is why when asked about the thought of separation, the couple might say that there are too many responsibilities in the mix, too many variables tying them together. Kids, houses, assets, and families are all important factors that, when combined, can make separation all the more difficult. These variables then motivate people to just keep on going, to remain in the relationship even when they are settling. One way to deflect this is by saying that what they’re doing is for their kids because separation can take a toll on the kids. While this may be true, it’s a bandaid that won’t fix any pre-existing problem, but rather make it worse over time in the form of arguments, disagreements, and fights. Statistically, this is reflected in the number of instances of cheating and divorces in relationships, which have proportionally grown over the past 50 years.

According to a 2021 survey that interviewed over 400 people of different ages and backgrounds, nearly 50% of respondents in monogamous relationships confessed to having affairs outside of their relationships. An affair in this case includes but is not limited to instances of one-night stands, emotional infidelity, online flirting, or a strong desire for someone else. The Institute for Family Studies (IFS) sought to find out cheating rates among men and women between 2010 and 2016, revealing that 20% of men and 16% of women confessed to cheating while married. When asked about why they cheated, common responses included:

• Interest in trying specific sexual activities never achieved with their partner
• Low or declining relationship satisfaction
• Little to no romantic love
• Solitary desire for a new individual

The same can be said for divorces. According to the United Nations handbook, the global divorce rate in 2021 amounted to 1.8 divorces per 1000 people so approximately 500 couples. While divorce may have many other variables in the mix such as regional and legislative differences, relationship problems similar to the ones mentioned earlier are significant contributors. Fighting may be common in relationships, and many claim that it can also be healthy in relationships. However, when fighting becomes a pattern to the point where one or both partners become desensitised to it, dismissing it by saying it’s nothing more than a part of the relationship…..is negligence.

The Case for Ethical Non-Monogamy

We’re wired to behave in a way that aligns with how we’ve been conditioned in our lives. Growing up, we’re told by everyone around us about what’s right and wrong, what’s acceptable and unacceptable, what’s normal and what’s weird. Monogamy in relationships is one of the many forms of conditioning that we’re exposed to, which then affects our relationships. Movies and media show us that everyone is destined to find one true love, one soulmate who is perfect for us. This paints an unrealistic picture of what one can expect from another human being, a high standard of expectation that can become difficult to meet. This isn’t necessarily wrong, but rather limited.

A monogamous relationship is when someone is committed to one person at a time, whether dating or married. When people think of the idea of non-monogamy, the general perception is about having an open relationship, where people are having sex with multiple people at a time, also known as polyamory. However, polyamory is only one type of non-monogamy, and is more than just physical attraction and behaviour. It’s possible to develop emotional intimacy with someone else as well, even if nothing physical arises out of it. Ethical non-monogamy (ENM), also known as consensual non-monogamy is an umbrella term used to describe any situation where someone has more than one romantic or sexual partner at a time, with everyone involved being aware and enthusiastically consenting to the dynamic.

It’s this core idea that separates ENM from cheating because ENM relies on strong transparency, open communication, and consent. It’s also important to note that ENM is not a ‘new’ concept. Non-monogamy has been practised in ancient and indigenous societies throughout time. It’s only due to various societal, political, and religious regimes that Western conquerors used to put forward a narrative where church-sanctioned marriages between one man and one woman were considered the only acceptable relationship format required for a ‘functional society’. Granted, we’ve evolved since then and there are numerous other benefits that come with being married, but marriage is also one of the many labels we may use to describe relationships. We live in a world where factors like age, gender and race don’t limit someone from finding lasting relationships, at least in most countries and societies. If we accept that these people can love and do what they want, how is this any different?

We’re not going to talk about all the different kinds of ENM as that would require a whole article in itself. Instead, it’s useful to explore how ENM can help relationships where the partner/s may feel like they’re settling. For instance, a couple open to trying ENM may start off by communicating and agreeing on what they want and don’t want. We all have certain criteria of traits that we look for in an ideal partner or friend. For some, these may be primarily physical such as height, muscle tone or other physical qualities. For others, it may be emotional such as a good sense of humour, financial stability, emotional maturity, and so on. For most people, it’s a mix of both, and while we may not know what traits exactly we look for, we do have them, because it’s these traits that influence who we decide to have in our lives as friends and partners.

Since no one is perfect, expecting one individual to check all these boxes is an unrealistic expectation to have, especially since we don’t carry this expectation with any of our other relationships. For instance, we maintain a certain relationship with our colleagues at work, our friends from school, our close friends, and the local barista at our favourite coffee shop. Each of these relationships brings out a different part of ourselves, a persona that we reveal because we have different boxes being checked at each interaction. We don’t expect one individual or interaction to encompass the whole of ourselves, except for with our romantic partners. Why?

We don’t know what we don’t know. We also don’t necessarily know if we’ll like or dislike something without giving it a try, or being open to the possibility of something coming out of an experience that may improve an already strong relationship. ENM in its nature is not tied down by the individual’s inhibitions. Instead, the partners can openly engage in what they truly desire, without giving up what they have. This is where the idea of compersion comes in. Compersion can be described as sympathetic joy, the feeling of euphoria, love, enjoyment, and happiness when you see someone close to you feel happy. Compersion as a term is typically used in cases of ENM but I believe it applies everywhere, and is the antidote to envy or jealousy. Think of the feeling of seeing your best friend be ecstatic, happy, and overjoyed as they receive love from someone or something. Now imagine that for your partner. Where are the limits?

This isn’t to say that all ENM relationships exist due to a pre-existing deficit in a relationship. This isn’t a competition between monogamy and non-monogamy. It’s not a game to see which one’s better because ultimately it boils down to what works for you. People may have multiple reasons for trying ENM. The goal here is not to limit love but to expand it. For instance, a couple may fully be in love with their partner and be open to sharing that love with other people. This could be due to compersion, curiosity, or pretty much any reason.

For all the monogamous couples out there that are happy in their relationship with all their boxes checked, more power to you. However, we don’t know what may work for us and what may not work for us, until we try it, or even talk about it. Labelling concepts as ‘taboo’ or ‘unacceptable’ only conditions us further to do things in one way forever, limiting ourselves to the possibilities that may make us happy.

Open that door, and see where it takes you.

Thank you for reading. For more content, please consider following the Ideas & More Medium page, or visit www.ideasandmore.org to stay up to date on the latest podcasts and episodes.

Are you in love or are you settling? was originally published in Ideas & More on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

“People care much more about how things look than how they are.”

~Donna Lynn Hope

Do you remember the first time you saw a mirage on the road? You’re in a car that’s driving along the highway, and you see what appears to be water on the road. At first glance, you wonder how this water appeared on the road. Or, you worry that the car will skid or make a splash as you pass through. As you move closer though, the water begins to disappear and before you know it, it’s gone. The water never existed, because just like any other illusion, all it needed was a closer look.

A belief is the acceptance or denial of a concept. It can also be considered as the relationship between our perception of, and the validity of an idea. Every thought that arises in our minds, and every action we take as a result, is a product of our experiences and the beliefs we’ve chosen to adopt. Beliefs, along with their subsequent ideas are what separate us from other species of life. Not all beliefs are created equal. Not all beliefs are real either, and some beliefs are mere illusions that capture our attention for so long that we begin to lose sight of what’s real.

It’s like looking at the mirage from a distance with no intention of moving closer, because accepting that the water doesn’t exist, isn’t all that fun to begin with.

Why Ideas and Beliefs Matter

Ideas and beliefs are arguably the most powerful forces to exist in our world. The ideas and beliefs we have created and carried for centuries have given rise to languages, cultures, and societies, which have ended up dictating how we function in our daily lives. Our species has flourished over centuries because of our ability to work collectively, share ideas and apply them through our actions. It’s evident that we, quite literally need each other, for anything and everything. The only possible exception to this is an individual who prefers to live a life of absolute solitude, with no interaction with any other living being whatsoever until they die. Think of someone venturing into a cave to relive the Neanderthal era for the rest of their lives. Of course, anyone who willingly chooses to spend eternity this way would most likely be on one end of the Nihilism spectrum.

You can guess which one.

For most of us, however, living in a society amongst other humans is the only way to thrive and survive. That said, we’re not psychic. We can’t read each other’s minds, so it’s important to establish certain communication dynamics that allow us to share ideas with each other. This is where ideas and beliefs matter, and to say that beliefs are intrinsic and personal, and thus should be left as they are, is an example of intellectual negligence. Beliefs matter, especially since our actions are driven by the core beliefs that separate us not only from animals but from other humans as well. Having the belief that Santa Claus is real, is not the same as having the belief that cannibalism should be legalised. As extreme as it may sound, it’s not hard to find believers in both camps.

What we believe in, ends up determining how we live our lives. Keeping individual circumstances aside, our core values, principles and ideas make up who we are and how we function in society. Beliefs have the power to shape our perception of reality, influencing our thoughts and emotions, and how we interact with others. Regardless of whether or not we’re conscious about it, every thought and action in our lives is a product of our underlying beliefs of ourselves, and the world around us.

If the goal is to live a more fulfilled life, we need to introspect and examine our beliefs to see if they’re worth having. A functional society is one that prioritises the well-being of conscious creatures, and a part of that is being able for its members to identify what beliefs are innocent and harmless, and what beliefs have the potential to disrupt relationships and invoke suffering. Being able to openly criticise bad ideas and beliefs is what has resulted in multiple revolutions that have changed the course of time.

For example, there was a time in human history when slavery was considered ‘good’ and ‘acceptable’. The Atlantic slave trade lasted for over 300 years, with nearly 13 million men, women and children being sold and shipped as slaves to different parts of the world. It wasn’t until the 19th century when slave revolts, abolition movements, religious arguments and events such as the American Civil War led to various countries abolishing the custom, finally realising that slavery wasn’t ‘good’ after all.

Similarly, advocacy for women’s rights, girls’ education, equality in the workplace, support for LGTBQ+ people, farmers’ protests, colonisation protests, equal opportunity for minority groups, and movements against racism are all examples of how ‘bad’ ideas and beliefs were identified and pushed to be removed from our societies. Some worked, and some are still a work in progress.

There are many examples of biases that we stumble across when we’re thinking about our beliefs and particularly, having a conversation with someone else about them. For example, argumentum ad populum, or the bandwagon fallacy, is the notion that a belief is considered true because a large number of people believe in it, or have always believed in it. This bias is often used to persuade someone based on emotion but should not be given credence since it’s possible for a large number of people to believe something based on misinformation. Just like any illusion, it only takes a closer look to notice the problems, with this.

Let’s take the example of an individual or group that believes modern medicine should not be trusted because, for centuries, they’ve relied on traditional remedies to treat people. The argument ignores that while conventional remedies may be effective in certain situations, they may not always be safe and appropriate and that scientific advancements in medicine have led to significant improvements in healthcare outcomes. The validity of a belief does not depend on how many people believe in it. The fact that something has been done a certain way for a long time does not necessarily mean it is the best or most effective way of doing things. Rather than leaning towards popular opinion, it’s essential to rely on evidence and reason. We tend to fall under the trap of multiple biases such as the bandwagon fallacy when having a conversation, hindering our ability to have civil conversations with someone about topics that matter.

Appeal to authority is another such bias. Beliefs that are passed on to us by someone who holds a qualification, certification, experience or credential are automatically assumed to be true, regardless of the claim itself. For example, the human mind is incredibly complicated, and we can’t even begin to realise how little we know about it. If a Psychologist were to make the claim that playing violent video games causes aggression in children, it’s possible that the mass audience may take their word for it, without exploring the possibility of evaluating any other evidence or variables that can change the basis of the claim itself, such as social environment, family dynamics and pre-existing mental health conditions that are all potential contributors to aggression. Alternatively, someone may say that they’ve worked in a specific job or role, asserting the implication that based on that information, we must assume that they know what they’re talking about.

Similarly, any beliefs passed on by elders in the name of culture or religion, often escape scrutiny because we believe that they’re a figure of authority, and thus, must be correct. Any means of questioning is shunned and deemed ‘taboo’. It’s only when you look closely that you see the cracks within the walls. Another example is that of ‘ad hominem’, also known as a ‘personal attack’. For example, anyone who disregards someone else’s argument about climate change just because they drive a gas-guzzling car, instead of addressing their evidence or claims. I’m not proposing that we discount someone’s credentials or experience entirely or question every single claim that we come across. But rather, if someone is making an objective claim about the nature of reality, we need to be able to scrutinise the belief with reason and evidence, regardless of the circumstance.

Zooming In

No belief is above scrutiny. A tree is only as strong as its roots, beliefs are no different. Just like an illusion, a false belief dissipates the moment we zoom in and look closely. Beliefs about politics, religion, morality, money or finances, and mental health, are often considered ‘taboo’ in regular conversation, because of how sensitive people can be when talking about these subjects. The harder we hold on to ideas and beliefs, the harder it is for us to realise whether our beliefs require re-evaluating or not.

Social media algorithms show us content that aligns with our beliefs, reinforcing our alignment with those ideas and slowly pushing us away from the possibility that our beliefs may not be what they seem. Combine this with books, readings, podcasts and any other content we find to keep us within these digital echo chambers, and we have a recipe spiced with a generous dose of confirmation bias that keeps us oblivious to the possibility of an alternate reality.

Beliefs that are detrimental to the well-being of conscious creatures should not be left unattended simply because someone may be ‘sensitive’ to having a conversation about it. Beliefs lead to thoughts, which then lead to actions. Talking about what beliefs hold their ground against scrutiny helps us forge stronger roots, giving our thoughts and actions meaning.

An easy way to do this is to find any ways that a belief may be false, rather than finding ways it may be true. For example:

Person 1 holds a belief that all swans are white. This is because they’ve only ever seen white swans in their lives, so they never questioned its validity

Person 2 discovers a black swan and points it out to Person 1

Person 1 re-evaluates their belief, accepting that not all swans are white

This is a scientific principle known as Popper’s Falsification, developed by Austrian-British philosopher Karl Popper in the early 20th century. The principle suggests that scientific theories can never be proven, but rather they can be disproven or falsified by empirical evidence. In essence, the theory must be testable and subject to potential refutation through observation or experimentation.

Any theory is only meaningful if it makes predictions that can be tested through experiments or observations. If the results of these tests are not consistent with the predictions made by the theory, the theory is considered false and must be rejected or modified. Popper’s Falsification emphasised the importance of evidence and discouraged researchers from making conclusions solely based on intuition or deductive reasoning. His quote summarises this well:

“We don’t conclude that we’ve disproved well-established laws of physics. Rather, that our experiment was faulty.”

We can apply Popper’s Falsification to the case of beliefs as well, given how it highlights the importance of subjecting beliefs to scrutiny and criticism. The goal is not to prove a belief true, but instead, to determine if it’s worth holding on to. For example, a belief that a certain group of people is inferior to others, or that violence is an acceptable means to an end, can have serious consequences for the well-being of others. This can be applied to notions of racism, sexism or any other form of societal bigotry. Being open to the possibility of being wrong and willing to revise our beliefs accordingly, is critical for personal growth and societal progress.

Beliefs change over time. What we believe today may not be what we believe tomorrow. It all comes down to one thing. How long are we willing to spend living in an illusion? Next time you see a mirage on the road, take a closer look.

You might find something even more interesting than water.

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Thank you for reading. For more content, please consider following the Ideas & More Medium page, or visit www.ideasandmore.org to stay up to date on the latest podcasts and episodes.

False Beliefs: Are we living under an illusion? was originally published in Ideas & More on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

~Ramana Maharshi

Do you remember the first time you tried on a pair of sunglasses? Shaded ones? Either tinted black, or blue or even one of those funky ones that were purple, green or rainbow. Every time we put a pair over our eyes, the whole world in front of us would change shades to match the colour of those glasses. Put on a neon yellow pair, the world would appear neon yellow. Like things a tint of green? Put on a green one. How powerful a pair of lenses can be to warp our sense of reality, at least visually, before our eyes.

Now imagine waking up every day, with one of those pairs of sunglasses over your eyes. Moreover, imagine putting on a new pair every few hours, changing your sense of what’s real and what isn’t, moment to moment. Each of us wears a different lens, and therefore have a different perception of what the world is, of what other people are, of what we are. This perception then influences the way we think and behave in the world. Is it true? Or is it just a camouflaged false reality we wear unconsciously.

Well, that’s how most of us live these days, just without the physical sunglasses of course.

Let me explain.

The Current Lens

Depending on when and where you were born, you were raised in a certain manner. Depending on the privilege of your household, you were (or weren’t) provided with certain resources and experiences growing up. Depending on the financial status of your family, you were told what’s important and desirable in today’s world. What amounts to ‘success’ in today’s world, or at least, what their society’s understanding of success was. For some, success might be x amount of money in their bank account, x number of followers on social media, x number of clothes or sneakers in their wardrobe, getting their dream house and dream car, or x number of friends they can call for help. For others, success might be something totally different. Finding a job that makes them ‘happy’, finding a soulmate and starting a family, and so on. Success cannot have an objective definition, because as much as we try to define it, everyone’s idea of it will differ, based on their experiences, their priorities and goals.

The concept of ‘perfection’ is no different. All of us have an idea of what ‘perfect’ is or should be. Something without ‘flaw’, ‘faults’ or ‘defects’; or something with all the ‘desirable’ elements, qualities or characteristics. Add in social media, and this view branches out to further sub-categories of what makes up a ‘perfect’ individual. A certain body type, or a certain lifestyle. With more people getting exposure to this view, they begin to see the world in this manner, i.e. they wear a particular lens. With time, this lens gets shared with more people, as more people begin to use social media platforms, and observe how their communities are all striving towards the same thing. A new job, more money, more fame, more clothes, more friends, more relationships, more everything. The quest never stops, and it never will, as long as the lens is covering our eyes.

In this article, I’m going to try distinguishing the idea of perfection to that commonly mentioned in certain organised religions around the world, specifically pertaining to the existence of god. Some religious sects believe that a supreme god exists, and is the only perfect being that exists. This article is not about this, nor does it intend to challenge this belief. Now while the idea I’m going to be talking about does correspond to that similarly stated in another religious practice, I’m going to talk about it independently, as I can best describe it.

The Name Game

Throughout the beginning of time, our species has created its own version of the world, as a means to try and understand it. It started off by labels, giving everything a name or a title, followed by a purpose, to understand what is and why it is so. This is particularly true for anything natural, that exists independent of human society such as trees, oceans, mountains, the wildlife inhabiting each of these, and so on. Think about it, what makes a tree a ‘tree’?. We’ve grown up to learn that trees are called trees, they produce oxygen and take in carbon dioxide, they’re essential to all life. Do you think trees know this? Do you think trees know that they’re called trees? And that they have different forms such as pine, birch, oak, etc? Similarly, do you think the Pacific ocean knows that it’s called the Pacific ocean? Or that it has a ‘deepest’ point called the Mariana Trench? Talking of animals, do you think dogs know they’re called dogs? Or birds know they come in types called Eagles, Pigeons, Cockatoos, etc? We as humans love putting things in boxes. For example:

“What is a crocodile?”
“It’s a reptile.”

“What’s a reptile?”
“Reptiles are a category of animals that are air breathing vertebrates. They have cold blood, lay eggs and often have dry skin with scales.”

“Where are they found?”
“Crocodiles can be found in regions of Africa, Asia and Australia, with a few in the Americas.”

From a crocodile’s perspective, it doesn’t know or care what it is, what it’s called and where it’s found. All it cares about is walking, swimming, eating, and repeating, i.e. surviving. We’re the ones that give it the identity. You see where I’m going with this.

We have given these natural creations a name and an identity, and that’s not to say there’s something inherently wrong with this. The labels are a necessary part of of a functional society for us. Similarly, if we apply this to anything human-made, like cars, furniture, buildings, technology, the internet, we’ve given them an identity and a purpose, because we have created them. They’re not the same as something existing in nature, that exists independent of us. Like I said, we’ve created identities to help us function in our daily lives. So how does this apply to the idea of perfection? Well, the first step, is to identify the labels that we have, and acknowledge their existence in our minds.

Reality

The idea of ‘perfectionism’ is one associated with a state of ‘flawlessness’, or ‘free of impurities’. The first note to make, is that like the ones above, ‘perfectionism’ is a label, it’s a concept we’ve created. It doesn’t independently exist outside our minds. Similarly, ‘flaws’ are concepts that have names and meaning we’ve attached to them. The ‘flaw’ of having one pair of clothes in your wardrobe versus 10, one or two friends as compared to hundreds, staying at home on Christmas or New Year’s Eve versus partying or going out, living a life consisting of work and family versus travelling the world every day, or driving a small hatchback as compared to a luxury sedan or a sports car; ‘flaws’ are they? These circumstances exist, but we have given meaning to them. Because of this, we identify ourselves with this co-created meaning, and so we’re the ones who feel like we’re flawed, that we’re living in an undesirable manner, because we’re ‘not perfect’.

If we take it one level deeper, we can talk about character traits that may pertain to the idea of ‘perfectionism’. For example, anger, greed, lust, envy, incompetence, vanity, arrogance, etc. If one has any of these traits or flaws, they’re “not perfect”. This dials back to what our own created definition of ‘perfectionism’ is. If we collectively believe that in order to be perfect, one must be free of all these traits, of any negative behaviour, then the idea becomes one that can be perceived as unrealistic and unattainable. We feel like we need to look better, to dress better, to earn better, to be better. While there is nothing wrong with striving for improvement, the line can be drawn if it begins to dictate our lives and take over our mental peace and contentment. When it comes to managing any of these traits, one approach that helps is to understand that by harming other people, we’re harming ourselves. Any actions taken out of greed, lust, arrogance will not make us happy or satisfied.

In fact it’s often the opposite.

The more we try to attain the unattainable, the more dissatisfaction it’s going to lead to. Think of a dog chasing it’s own tail. It’s a never ending cycle. Funnily enough, even if the dog manages to bite it’s tail once every few moments, it’ll realise that it doesn’t feel very good. It would probably hurt a fair bit too. It’s not hard to see this play out in real life either. Think of every time you’ve wanted to do something more, to be better because you feel like you’re not good enough. Is any attempt ever enough? Or does it merely give you momentary satisfaction before something else comes up that brings you back to ground zero again.

The chase will stop, when we realise that there is nothing more to attain. The world is not a means to an end, and it never will be. Living like a means to an end is not what we do in our daily lives either. Think about it. Do you ever make a plan to meet your friends or loved ones, thinking that you’ll be happy after you’re done hanging out? No. Because simply being with them, is what feels good. That’s why with some people, especially those we love, just sitting and doing nothing is enough to have a good time, because we’re not trying to attain anything. Or, think of anything you love doing. Anything you do for fun, to unwind, that you do just because you enjoy it. It can be anything relating to arts, entertainment, physical activity, something you love. Do you ever do it thinking that after you’re done, you’ll be happy? Or is just the activity itself fun. When we’re fully engaged in it, we lose track of time because our minds are fully immersed in the present moment, what is, rather than what can be.

Open your Heart

The way I see it, ‘perfectionism’ is a state of acceptance. Not ‘self-acceptance’, just acceptance. Acceptance of what? Acceptance of what is, not what can be or should be. Perfectionism is accepting that flaws are concepts, and that if we have them, it makes a part of what we are, it doesn’t completely define us because nothing can. Perfectionism is complete immersion in the present moment. In this state, we acknowledge that we already have everything. Anything more is just, cherry on the cake. Everything that makes us, us; is part of what our reality is.

The line can become grey here though. One might pose the question: “How do I distinguish between being ‘content’ and ‘fulfilled’ and striving for improving my life, being more successful and living a better life?” Change is constant, and our ability to adapt to change is what separates our species to others. To zoom in a bit, yes we change to keep up with the times. Economical changes, political changes, and social changes are a part of our lives. To keep up with them, we change our present, which in turns changes our future. In doing so, you may notice that your today, may very well be better than your yesterday. Ask yourself, if you were to compare yourself today with how you were yesterday, last week, last month, last year, or 2–3 years ago, what do you see? Is there a visible improvement in the way you think, the way you feel, the way you see yourself, the world and those around you? Forget about concepts of age and maturity, just think of improvement. If you were to rewind to the past, do you think you imagined that in the future, you’d be ‘better’ than what you were back then?

Similarly, everything you do now, today, does it hinge on necessarily having a better tomorrow? If yes, then how do you determine what’s going to happen? We can make assumptions, but we can’t say for absolute certainty what can and what will happen. We simply put our best foot forward in this moment, and hope that our actions will have our desired consequences. The improvements come, 1% at a time. Even if something goes wrong, we often find ways to deal with it, learn from it, and try not to make the same mistakes twice. Either way, our present is all we have, and is often the best we have, until it’s replace by the future, which is nothing more than another present, just at a different point in time.

Reflecting on our core values can help with this dilemma of finding the balance between accepting what we have, yet being open to improvement and change as well. Practicing gratitude for everything we’ve been blessed with can also help, which brings contentment that can in turn, help us resist the constant urge to be better, even if doesn’t naturally occur to us. We are often our own harshest critics, judging ourselves for our perceived flaws and shortcomings. By treating ourselves with kindness and understanding, we can start to let go of the idea of perfection and embrace the reality of who we are.

Ultimately, the journey to acceptance is a deeply personal one. It requires us to be honest with ourselves about our own fears and insecurities, and to be willing to let go of our attachment to perfectionism. The moment we take away from what is and focus solely on what can be, we take away the light in our hearts and close it off to what we have in front of us. We give in to the lens covering our eyes and forget what’s real. True contentment, true perfection comes when we accept the world in all its radiance, in all its authenticity. We’re no different. Open your heart to what is, and embrace the change that comes naturally with it.

It truly is, a sight to behold.

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You’re Perfect, here’s why was originally published in Ideas & More on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

“We boil at different degrees.”

~Ralph Waldo Emerson

It’s said that in today’s age, the only key differentiating factor between humans and robots, is the presence of emotions. True, heartfelt emotions the likes of joy, compassion, envy and anger. While it may be possible to code an Artificial Intelligence (AI) program that can emulate such emotions, doing so in a similar manner to that of a human brain isn’t possible just yet. Maybe one day in the future it will be. Our emotions are what make us human. As social creatures, we wouldn’t have evolved and thrived in such numbers if our instincts and emotions didn’t help play a part in how we shape our societies. Are all emotions created equal though? Can we simplify the presence of each individual emotion and assert them to be ‘natural feelings’ in our states of consciousness that have no further meaning to them? We could, but by doing so we’d be selling ourselves short.

When introspecting to see why something like anger takes over us, it’s too simplistic to point towards the cause of the anger. For example, being angry because of traffic, or angry because the dishes weren’t washed, or angry because the food that we ordered arrived late, or angry because we didn’t receive any gifts on our birthday. If these sound trivial, then the same case can be applied to instances such as being angry when someone humiliates or criticises us, being angry when someone makes a plan to hang out with us and bows out at the last minute, or being angry when someone behaves in a way that we consider irresponsible, leading to unwanted consequences.

From the surface, it appears as though anger can have multiple reasons and that different people have different trigger points that makes them angry. However, this is not true. If we look closely, there is one common factor that ties everything together. A core reason why we get angry in the first place, regardless of the external causes that may trigger it.

This reason can be expressed with a simple equation:

We get angry when:

Expectation ≠ Reality

The World Cannot Change

In any of the examples I shared above, it doesn’t take long to see that they’re all cases of expectations not meeting reality. We expect our roads to be empty, for our dishes to be cleaned by our housemate or partner, or for our food to arrive on time or earlier, or for us to be showered by gifts on our birthday. If these expectations are not met, we get angry. Similarly, we expect everyone to be nice to us and acknowledge our work and effort, we expect people to be true to their word and keep any promises they keep, and we expect the people we love to behave in a certain way. When these expectations aren’t met, we get angry. Take any instance of anger, it’s a simple case of one’s expectation ≠ one’s reality.

Upon reflecting on this, you can see that the blame cannot be on anything or anyone else but on us. We get angry, when we hold expectations from the world. Expectations for no reason. One might say that in some cases, these expectations are kept to ensure the wellbeing of others, but it’s an expectation nonetheless. We expect the world to be how we want it to be, for no other reason. We expect people to be how we want them to be, nothing else. Since all of us are expecting things from everyone, it’s no surprise why so many people are so angry all the time. Why these people are so critical of everything that happens around them, that they’re never content, never satisfied. No amount of happiness, joy and comfort around them can live up to their lofty expectations that they’ve preserved with care.

We also tend to have high expectations from ourselves. We expect ourselves to be healthy, beautiful, wealthy, popular, happy and successful all the time. When our minds and/or our bodies cannot meet these expectations for whatever reason, we get into a vicious self-inflicted cycle or blame and negativity, affecting our mental health. This can typically lead to methods of escape such as alcohol, cigarettes, drugs and sex which tend to be addictive in nature. Social media doesn’t help with this, as everyday we see people online supposedly living their best lives, and thus our mind plants expectations from ourselves to do the same in search of a ‘better life’.

When we realise that we cannot change the world, we can only change ourselves, we will find peace in being relieved from these expectations. The world is the world, independent of our existence. The traffic will exist as a byproduct of the population exceeding a city’s resources. The dishes will remain dirty and each person held responsible for washing them may have their own reasons why they are not washing them. The food may arrive earlier than expected, or later than expected depending on the preparation time and the traffic for the deliverer’s commute. Gifts are gifts when they’re given by choice, not by compulsion. If you’re being given a gift because the giver feels compelled to do so, the gift loses its value because it was given for the sake of it. People are how they are as a result of all their life’s experiences, and so there’s no point in having certain expectations because we can only assume, and not guarantee their behaviour in any circumstance.

The Trust Card

When it comes to expectations and anger, trust can be a grey area. For example, we may have certain expectations from our partner to remember our birthday or anniversary, to share in efforts of looking after the house, to manage the family’s finances responsibly, or to remain faithful to the relationship. We expect productive behaviour from our employees and co-workers, to be diligent with their work efforts and put 100% into everything they do. We may expect loyalty and support from our friends, to celebrate moments that are joyous with us, and to remain with us during the toughest of times.

Since we often spend most of our time with these people, and they hold a special place in our hearts, the anger felt when these expectations aren’t met is different to the other cases. This anger may often be a mask over an underlying layer of disappointment and sadness. We also tend to take these people for granted, and so it’s easier to get angry at them versus anyone else because we feel as though they’re with us no matter what. No matter how poorly we behave with them, they won’t leave us and if they do, it’s on them. It’s important to note that even in these cases, anger doesn’t help the cause. Anger won’t change the past, and dwelling upon it won’t necessarily change the future. What may happen as a result of anger can be far worse than what initially made us angry in the first place. However, this is easier said than done, especially when it involves someone close to us.

A degree of empathy can alleviate this concern. Empathy towards our loved ones and to people in general. Empathy that acknowledges that we’re all human and slip up from time to time. Our loves ones are no different, and their mistakes should not blind us to their place in our hearts. Taking them for granted is also a form of expectation, expectation that they will last forever, that they are infinite. Everything and everyone we love, can be taken away from us in an instance. When we realise the finitude of our lives and those of other, we become more appreciative of everything that surrounds us, and anger loses its place in our minds.

Break the Chain

Break the chain of expectation, and in the process you break the grip that anger has on you. Anger may be considered ‘natural’, but that doesn’t mean that being angry is a a good idea. Anger almost always makes matter worse, for ourselves and for those around us.

Loosening the expectation, rather than breaking it altogether is a helpful way to start with the process of Ataraxia. This can be done through detachment. For example, if you have expectations from your loved ones, acknowledge that their human when those expectations aren’t met, and think of instances where you yourself may not be meeting their expectations as well. Times when you were the triggering source behind their anger. If you can slip up, they can too. This way, you have the expectation, but are not too attached to it, and so, the sting of anger is not as harsh. With this practice, we can move closer to the state of not having expectations at all.

You may be thinking, that a state devoid of expectations is one that is apathetic, descriptive of someone who doesn’t care about anything at all. If we can’t change the world, why care about what other people do? What happens if someone does something to harm us, or harm someone close to us? Actions have consequences, and turning a blind eye towards them does not help with maintaining the wellbeing of society. To this, the answer is again, we cannot control other people’s thoughts and actions, we can only control our thoughts and actions, and our responses to others’ thoughts and actions. Acting out to protect oneself and one’s own loved ones from external sources of harm is not the same as acting out in anger. Aggressive behavior of any kind, active or passive is not the same as retaliation taken in a form of self-defense. Harm to others is harm to oneself, and anger is no different. If someone continues to harm us despite our efforts to stop them, appropriate action needs to be taken. Whether that involves removing them from our lives, or reaching out for help to stop their behaviour if necessary.

Sometimes a civil conversation can help with the regular fights and arguments we have in our relationships. A conversation that is free of judgment and that is approached with both parties having an open mind towards the other’s concerns and emotions. If done properly, we can see that anger elevates as a two way street, where one retaliates with anger, making it worse. If one person is angry and the other is calm, it won’t take long for the angry person to realise that their anger may not be needed. Moods can be infective, so keeping company alongside bitter and irritable people can lead to us feeling the same way. Surrounding ourselves alongwise calm and composed individuals can help maintain that sense of equanimity and find the joy in our everyday lives that we weren’t able to see before with the blinds of anger over our eyes.

We humans are emotional beings, it’s what separates us from robots. Emotions are the reason we have evolved as a species and why we form relationships as social creatures. Anger is no different, and there will be moments where our anger gets the better of us. In those moments, don’t hold onto it. Let it go.

Like a cloud passing through in the sky.

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Understanding Anger was originally published in Ideas & More on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

• Alcohol represents over 5% of all deaths worldwide, with 3 million deaths every year
• The harmful use of alcohol brings significant social and economic losses to individuals and society
• There is a causal relationship between the harmful use of alcohol and a range of mental and behavioral disorders

If we were to write up a pros and cons list of drinking alcohol, there isn’t much to go on about. For instance, alcohol isn’t necessarily cheap. While this may vary from country to country, the average price of even the cheapest form of alcohol, is in most cases still more expensive than water, or most soft drinks for that matter. It also has a cyclic effect, where one’s tendency to spend money increases with the increase in alcohol intake. Alcohol is calorie dense, with 7 calories per gram, keeping aside the sugars present in any mixers that may come with the drinks; and so it’s not something that can help with our fitness goals.

Alcohol has become such an important part of our society’s culture, that it’s difficult to imagine a social setting completely devoid of some form of alcohol. Whether we talk about work based social gatherings, celebratory events, parties, or even hanging out with friends and family; alcohol has become a widely accepted social norm. If one were to attend one of these events, and if we’re they’re someone that doesn’t drink alcohol; they’d be lucky to get by without at least one person asking them to drink. Better yet, they’d likely be ridiculed for ‘missing out on the fun’. The purpose of this article is not to pass judgment on those who drink versus those who don’t. There is no notion of good or bad here. Everything has a reason, some are easy to recognise, some require some introspection. After all, if we don’t know why we do what we do, then are we really the ones doing what we’re doing in the first place?

Beneath the Surface

Simply put, people drink alcohol, to get drunk. Sounds obvious when put this way, but depending on who you ask, you may find a series of alternate responses that conceal this underlying truth. For example, you might say that you like the taste of certain alcohol, or that you drink for social reasons, or if there’s an event in your life or someone else’s life such as a promotion, a birthday, a wedding or even a breakup. Alternatively, you might just say you drink to have fun, and that without alcohol, you can’t have fun if you were to meet your friends, go to a club, and so on.

If we look closely and really inspect any of these reasons, we’ll quickly see the hints of neglect in each of these statements.

If someone were to offer you a variant of your favourite alcohol, with the same taste, but without the alcohol content itself, would you drink it? Or, if your purpose to drink is to celebrate a promotion, then can you experience the same level of joy and excitement drinking, say, orange juice? Similarly, if you’re drinking because you’re with your friends, then is it possible for you to enjoy their company without drinking alcohol? If going to a club is fun, then can you experience the same level of fun, if you were to go in a sober state? If your answer to any of these, is a ‘no’, then it’s clear that your source of enjoyment does not lie within the respective activities themselves, but within the fact that you’re getting drunk. If your answer to any of those is a yes, then simply ask yourself that if don’t need alcohol to get by any of those circumstances, and if you still choose to consume alcohol, then why you’re doing so.

To get drunk?

This brings me to my next question, which essentially is the heart of this topic: Is that why do people like getting drunk? There must be something special in that feeling of being drunk that inclines people towards it, despite everything else that comes with it.

The Parallel Reality

Getting drunks feels good, because in that state, it appears as though all our life’s problems have been solved. The caveat though, is they haven’t actually been solved. In essence, they’ve just been paused or put on hold. Our minds are more powerful than we can imagine, and when we’re overcome by thoughts that induce moments of stress, anxiety, paranoia and depression, dealing with them can seem like a monumental task. These thoughts may appear throughout our day, affecting how we behave at work, with friends or even in our company, as our minds face absolute delirium.

Alcohol numbs pain, and presents us with an illusion that things are fine just the way they are. This in turn saps our willingness and ability to change our lives for the better. The most interesting of all, is that all this happens in the moment, without us realising that it’s all an illusion. Every thing we experience in life, is through consciousness. All we have is consciousness and its contents. It’s no different to when we’re asleep and dreaming, the dream feels like reality. When we close our eyes, we leave this world and enter another world that feels real to us for the next 7–8 hours or so. We don’t know we’re dreaming when we’re dreaming, unless of course you’re Leonardo Di Caprio from Inception.

Similarly, when we’re drunk, we don’t think about the fact that the state in which our mind is in, numbed of its senses and memories in nothing more than an illusion. One that conceals the hidden perturbed state it will default back to the next day. A good way to put it is, that the perceived happiness you feel for those hours while you’re drunk, is simply you borrowing happiness from the time you’re going to be hungover the next day. In a drunken state, the alcoholic surrenders to the mind-altering substance, and loses any inhibitions that help find value through their relationship with others and the world. The intoxication overcomes any commitment to work, family and friends. One can describe the experience of being drunk, as a feeling of freedom, or as a form of escapism; as if the shackles that every day life has on us, have been broken off. Once again, the more we examine this analogy, the easier it is to see through how incomplete this experience is.

You can only be free, if you’re not free to begin with. Subsequently, if you require alcohol to feel free, then by definition the claim is that in your sober states, you’re not free. In all those times during the day when you’re not drunk, you’re shackled by responsibilities, by thoughts, worries, stress, anxiety, and so on. Confronting these thoughts in the mind can be intimidating, as the questions of one’s self enter the mix. This psychological inquisition can be discomforting, and the mere thought of it is met with disdain as we reach for another glass of alcohol, in the hopes that the buzz doesn’t end.

In the hopes that we don’t fall back into the reality of our life.

End of the Tunnel

It’s important to accept that true happiness, cannot come from anything external, whether that be alcohol or anything else. If alcohol really had the power to give us happiness and fulfilment, all we would need is one drink for a lifetime. I’m in no position to comment on whether alcohol is a problem you need solved in your life, that’s one only you can ask yourself. How long do we want to continue this constant pausing and resuming of our mind’s problems, this bandaid of recovery.

Acknowledging the mind and the contents of consciousness can be a useful place to start a more long lasting healing process. One way to do this is to find yourself alongside people who experience similar problems and thoughts, and openly talk about them in a space free of judgment. Sharing whatever is worrying you with someone close to you, without any notion of finding a solution can be comforting. Suffering is an inevitable part of life. This process can ease the mind of any shackles it may feel it has.

Next, find alternate sources of happiness and pleasure in your life, to get those feelings of excitement and euphoria from time to time. This can be any hobby, passion or even hanging out with those close to you. Mindfulness meditation is powerful, and can be practiced with guidance. There’s plenty of guided mindfulness meditation content online, starting from as little as 5 minutes per day that can help ease you into your mind. Without being too critical of yourself, try your hand at it. While this may not sound like an exact substitution for alcohol, note that I’m suggesting that giving up alcohol altogether is necessary. If you’re someone who occasionally enjoys a drink or two with friends every once in a while, then the alcohol is no different to any other pleasure of life, and so the whole ‘moderation is the key’ principle can apply. The difference to be drawn is that between having alcohol, and having alcohol specifically to get drunk. To get the feeling of the buzz that makes you feel like all your life’s problems have been solved.

These are a few methods can help you come to terms with the contents of your mind, and so, the question is no longer: ‘should you drink alcohol?’, but rather, ‘do you need alcohol?’. As hard as it may sound to imagine, it is possible to feel no difference in one’s state of mind when one’s drunk versus when they’re sober. As if one is perpetually drunk, tipsy and buzzed without the influence of alcohol, all the time in their daily life; because you can only ‘loosen up’ if you’re tight to begin with.

Doesn’t that sound better, rather than just being drunk for a few hours?

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Why Do People Drink Alcohol? was originally published in Ideas & More on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

In the painting, Pyrrho dressed in blue is leaning against the main mast while his ship and crew experience rough waters at sea. You’ll notice that while his crew panics and begins to worry about what is happening, Pyrrho remains unphased and uses his right hand to point towards a small animal, in this case a pig. Some people consider a different scenario, in which case Pyrrho points to one of his crew members dressed in white holding ham in his hand. This story, as retold by Greek biographer Diogenes Laertius goes something like:

“When some people who were sailing with him were looking gloomy because of a storm, he kept a calm countenance, and comforted their minds, exhibiting himself on deck eating a pig, and saying that it became a wise man to preserve an untroubled spirit in that manner.”

On the side of the ship, there’s a sign written in Greek, that translates to:

‘It is right wisdom then, that all imitate this security.’

Pyrrho was known to be the founding fathers of his own philosophy known as Pyrrhonism, one of the early forms of ancient skepticism. I’ve written about skepticism and referenced it a few times in my previous blog posts. According to Pyrrho and his followers, the secret to achieving true tranquility, also known as Ataraxia, is to suspend all judgment concerning matters of opinion. In other words, Ataraxia can be described as a state of absolute calmness and serenity. A state of mind where one is able to remain unaffected by events happening around, specifically those that are out of said individual’s control, which you’ll find is a large majority of all events occurring in day to day life. Everything else is simply a cluster of thoughts and experiences that we see appear in consciousness.

Power in Tranquility

When we’re calm, we tend to be less likely to react impulsively, less likely to combust or burst out emotion with little or no control. Naturally, if we’re more calm and tranquil, we’ll be less likely to do or think in a way that could ruin our day, not to mention ruin other people’s day too. A state unmoved by emotional impulses can also help us make better decisions, one that accounts for the consequences.

Consider a situation in life when we’re faced with someone who is annoying or frustrating us. It doesn’t matter who this is, it could be a random stranger or even someone close to us like a friend, partner or a family member. It’s easy to get angry, it’s easy to get upset and end up saying something sharp and hateful towards them, something that cannot be taken back. It’s easy to lash out and scream, even become violent, regardless of what had happened. The consequences of anger are, almost always way more serious than the events that caused them in the first place. Being tranquil allows us to approach every situation with a neutral stance, it allows us to see through what it’s front of us and not let anger drive our decisions. Think of it like, taking a deep breath before reacting to something. Conflict is inevitable, we will always face situations that have the potential to frustrate us.

How we respond to this frustration can profoundly affect not only our state of minds, but also our relationships with the people around us.

Freedom from Opinion

So many of us get affected by opinions and biases, and often in a way that does us more harm than good. Opinions about people, about experiences, about socio-political issues, global events, the list can go on. If left unattended for too long, these opinions often become attached to our identity, to the point where we find it difficult to disassociate our personality with a particular opinion. When confronted with someone holding the opposite opinion, we feel attacked. We feel it necessary to argue with them, or debate them to establish a sense of authority in holding strong to our beliefs.

Ataraxia offers freedom, freedom from attachment and opinions. It allows us to be comfortable with not having an opinion about something, or better yet, being comfortable with not being attached to an opinion we may have about something. So often we find ourselves in the midst of a conversation with someone or a group, finding the urge to say something or the other to ‘fit in’. It’s natural, people love talking about themselves. It’s natural to want to voice our opinions, sometimes even the controversial ones that can spark up a debate. Ataraxia is being comfortable with not being the centre of attention. It doesn’t mean we remain silent and avoid speaking to people, but rather we speak and interact with people, without attachment. Without attachment to our thoughts, valuea and beliefs. We accept that these are impermanent, and open to change. We understand that our identity is more than our set of beliefs, and find better relationships along the way.

The other idea to keep note, is the important of uncertainty in life. Most things in life, are not those we can say, claim or stand by with absolute uncertainty. We don’t know for a 100% when a particular historical event happened, we’re simply trusting and reciting sources of information such as books, videos, literature, or even informed individual. We don’t know 100% why someone behaved in a particular manner. We may have assumptions, we have heard something, or seen something, but nothing to say with absolute certainty. Similarly, we don’t know, 100% why a particular country or a government is invoking certain policies, or why people behave in a certain manner. We’re simply making a judgment based on the information we see presented to us.

It doesn’t matter what subject we pick, we could proclaim ourselves to be an expert on a subject matter, and yet still not know things for absolute certainty. If we’re able to acknowledge that our beliefs and opinions can be wrong, or can be missing a piece of information, we can still stand by them and share them, without holding on to them so tightly that it begins to affect our relationships, both with ourselves, and with others.

Disagreement is a necessary part of a healthy, interesting conversation, but not to the point where it has the potential to affect our relationships. It’s possible to disagree with someone, yet acknowledge their opinion and keep mutual respect hanging in the balance.

Practicing Ataraxia

Moving towards the state of Ataraxia, needless to say, requires practice. There’s also no set way of measuring this state, or telling what level of Ataraxia one has reached. It’s one way of looking at life, and one that we have the option of embracing.

So how do we do it?

The first thing we can do, is learn how to truly let go of the past. Cliché, I know, but let’s expand on this a little bit. Past in this sense, refers to any and every event that has happened. It doesn’t matter if it was 5 years ago, 5 days ago, or 5 minutes ago. Letting go of the past is important, simply because we have no control over it. The events of the past, have passed and so there’s no point dwelling upon them. Now some events are easier to move on from than others. For example, waking up late in the morning for work is an example of something we find it easy to let go of. Whereas, if someone close to us were to suddenly die of cancer, it’s not quite as easy. Most of the time, we find ourselves in situations where we get affected by trivial events that again, we have no control over. Identifying these events and responding accordingly is a great way to start.

Photo by Максим Степаненко on Unsplash

Secondly, everything we do in our day to day lives, is simply us responding to something that’s already happened. It is our judgment of things that add value to them. Things themselves, are just things. A new pair of sneakers is a new pair of sneakers. Whether or not it looks good, is upto us. Naturally, if we’re able to perceive this pair of sneakers as just a pair of sneakers, we would remain unaffected by whether or not we end up buying them. The same notion goes for everything else we have in life. That coffee we taste, is just coffee, good or bad is upto us. The stranger we met today who we thought pissed us off, might have said something that we perceived as rude of hateful. They were just words, sounds if you might want to go as far as to say that. People are what they are, they say what they say, they do what they do. How we choose to respond, is how we end up feeling.

Of course, all this is great in theory, harder to practice, but we can start somewhere. We often see the skill ‘problem-solving’ being passed around these days. In some sense, Ataraxia is all about problem solving, rather than ‘problem-dwelling’. When something happens, we learn from it, move on from it. This allows us to be more empathetic and forgiving towards both ourselves, as well as those around us.

Final Thoughts

One important distinction I must make before concluding this post, is that Ataraxia does not mean being averse to emotions. It does not make us heartless robots who don’t feel anything. This is often a misconception directed towards people who adopt principles of Stoicism. Ataraxia doesn’t eliminate emotions, it helps us respond better to those emotions. Positive emotions such as joy, excitement and love are meant to be felt, and celebrated, both within ourselves and shared with those around us. Negative emotions like pride, envy or anger can be problematic, but are also inevitable and a necessary part of life. Keeping calm in a moment of conflict, is like experiencing a different form of power like none other. Power over our words, our feelings and emotions, in every way we respond to what’s happening around us. When practicing the ability to stay calm, we will make mistakes. We will be faced with situations that lead to us being carried away by these emotions. Situations that put us off track.

All we have to do, is pause, think about what has happened, and ask ourselves this: “Does this really bother me?” A few situations in, and we see ourselves effortlessly finding our way back to our path.

Like a cog in a system. A complex yet beautiful system.

Podcast Links:

Prefer listening?

Check out this podcast episode for the Ideas & More show on Apple Podcasts & Spotify.

Ataraxia: The Practice of Creating Calm was originally published in Ideas & More on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Part 1: Before the Trip:

Of course, back in 2018, I didn’t give much thought to the idea of tripping on mushrooms, or any drug or substance for that matter. At the time, drugs to me appeared to be somewhat of a means of escape, not too different from alcohol, cigarettes, sugar, sex, anything that releases dopamine that helps an individual momentarily forget about their present life. Things have changed a little bit since 2018. My experience finishing university, finding work, meeting new people, visiting new places, learning about philosophy, spirituality, everything has contributed towards shaping my mind to whatever it is now. Philosophy helped me understand that nothing in life can be known for certain, and that nothing really is what it appears to be after a moment of close examination. My mind slowly opened up to learning new things, meeting even more people, trying new substances, substances that I previously would have been reluctant to even think about trying. Each experience had something valuable to offer.

Something valuable to take away.

I must mention however, that psychedelic drugs are not like other forms of drugs. Depending on who you speak to, you might hear different things, both positive and negative about how a trip feels like. Magic mushrooms are valuable substances that I would ideally like every person to experience at least once in their waking life, but only at the right time. When that time is, depends from person to person. I do not consider these to be a bucket list item waiting to be ticked off just for the sake of it. If you are interested, I would highly encourage researching a bit about psychedelics and speaking to people who have tried them before deciding to trip yourself. There will be moments while reading this where you might think I’m crazy, or talking like a spiritual cultist of sorts. Bear with me, and join me in reliving what turned out to be one of the most profound experiences of my life.

Part 2: On the Trip:

It was a cloudy, windy day with a few teasing showers here and there. I went to my friend’s house around 1pm. He was there with another friend of his. Both of them had their own fair share of psychedelic experiences in the past, and were eager to join me for my first. 2 grams is a typical beginner’s serving size. Dissolved in a glass of warm water, the mushroom tea brewed for a few moments before I began sipping on it. By 2pm I had consumed all of it, so now it was time to wait. Mushrooms usually can take between 40 to 50 minutes to show their effects. I wasn’t eyeing the time waiting for something to happen, although I was observing how I’m feeling and whether anything comes about that’s not particularly normal.

I think it was around 3pm, that it started.

The door knocked. It was my friend’s housemate who had just returned from work. This was merely the second time I was meeting her; we were just friends who happened to have a mutual. I walked up to her and gave her the warmest hug I had given to someone in recent months. I returned back to the couch and everyone gathered around. With no knowledge of what, when or how, I found myself divided into two beings, or entities. It was as if my soul had been detached away from my body. If you’ve watched Doctor Strange in the Marvel movies, it’s like the scene where the wizards separate the astral form from the physical form. In this instance however, I was there, present and more mindful than I had ever been.

Divided into two, part of me was behaving and the other part was observing. It’s as if I had completely lost control over what I was doing. The behaving part of me was left vulnerable while the observing part of me watched and deconstructed what was happening inside. I observed that I was smiling, and smiling hard, for no apparent reason. I was smiling so wide that I could feel my cheeks hurt, smiling while my friends were having a regular conversation. I could feel an uncontrollable sense of love and empathy, not for anyone in particular, for everyone and everything. It was like I was a lava cake, oozing out an uncontrollable amount of love and positive energy.

My body became nothing more than a tool for expressing my emotions. A vessel that was responsible for conveying a message from my mind to the outside world. The vessel had no notion of right or wrong, kind or rude, no concern for what my friends would think, and no worry about the consequences. When intoxicated by alcohol or other drugs, one experiences a similar feeling of doing things without thinking of the consequences. The term ‘loosen up’ is often associated with this behaviour. Our face in these instances becomes nothing more than just a mask. The more we’re intoxicated, the more layers peel off the mask and we get to show our true selves to the outside world.

This time though, it was as if the layers had ceased to exist. My face was powerless in controlling my uncontrollable urge to express sheer, genuine love outwards. The smiling was no longer in my control, and I was noticing this through my other ‘observing self’, which was hard to process but mind-bending at the same time.

Things weren’t happening to me, they were happening through me. The idea of dopamine, serotonin, oxytocin, all went out of the window. The whole concept of a ‘self’ felt like an illusion. I was in a state wherein my observing self could see my behaving self sit there while all the words, emotions went over my head. It wasn’t that I wasn’t listening, but rather my mind couldn’t help but focus on the stillness of the moment without any conscience of past or future. It was only the present.

I call this state- ‘being’. Hold onto this word, I’ll come back to it.

Part 3: After the Trip:

Mainstream media and society function such that upon listening to the term ‘drug’, one can’t help but associate it with something negative. Granted, drug and substance abuse is a serious issue plaguing various countries around the world, affecting people of all age groups. This is the part where in usual circumstances, I would write ‘moderation is the key’.

But this time, it’s different. Mushrooms are different.

Probably the only thing that can top the trip itself, is the aftermath of the trip- how it left me feeling afterwards. Other drugs induce feelings of euphoria, excitement, light-headedness, ecstacy, etc., but all temporarily until the effects fade away. As a result, one can say that none of those feelings were natural. It was as if someone injected a dose of ‘feel good’ chemicals in your body, now they’re gone so you’re back to normal. So naturally, there comes a temptation to take that dose again, get that high again, because each time you take it, it lasts a short while and subsides very soon, leaving you craving for more.

With mushrooms, that’s not the case, at least it wasn’t for me, which is what made this experience all the more beautiful. An experience that makes me feel as though reducing Psilocybin to just ‘a drug’ does not do justice to how illuminating this can be. My trip didn’t feel as though the positivity, the euphoria, the excitement came externally. It was as if all those existed already, somewhere within my mind. All that was needed was a guiding hand to fetch them out. All of my positive emotions rooted deep inside, brought to the surface. I got a high, and the high stayed; such that I don’t crave it anymore. Of course, there is a part of me that is intrigued to explore the depths of my mind even further, now that I know how expansive it can get. But not in any way like other drugs, substances or forms of escape, where the high might entice you to try it again, luring you towards addiction.

Before the trip, one of the friends in the room spoke to me about the concept of ‘being’, one that we had a brief chat about as I was intrigued to know what he meant. I didn’t quite agree with what he had to say, to which he responded that I would see what he meant after the trip. He wasn’t wrong.

The ‘being’ he was referring to was the state of becoming completely ‘present’ in the moment, to the point where one has no notion of past or future, no thoughts, no perceptions, no opinions, no biases, no reaction. Absolute stillness. I’m not sure if this is quite what he meant but this is my take on it, based on my experience on the trip. As my observing self separated from my behaving self, I found myself ‘being’ in that state for a few moments, where things were happening through me, not to me. I was simply just there, like a chair in a home or like a stone in a forest. Looking at everything that overwhelmed me before, I can’t help but think about how these are also simply happening through me. That’s not to say that they aren’t important to me anymore, they are. But ‘being’ in a way shows you everything, through an objective lens.

There’s a concept in philosophy known as nominalism. Nominalism theorises that ideas and concepts only have value because we, as a society have assigned value to it. Words are labels, and everything in essence is objective unless we input something subjective to it through our perceptive lenses. When I combined this idea, with the state of being, the state of having things go through me, it didn’t matter whether or not I was tripping. The trip became ingrained in my way of living. Does this mean that I won’t ever worry again or let things sway my emotions, no. It did help me realise though that some things should be left as they are, without further thought or contemplation. Without overthinking, without overanalysis, without overly worrying about the ifs, the buts and the whys. Leaving things as they are. Leaving them to ‘be’ will help us ‘be’.

Be more, in tune with ourselves.

Podcast Links:

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My Experience on a Magic Mushroom Trip was originally published in Ideas & More on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

~Voltaire

‘Skepticism is the first milestone along the road of philosophy’. I had read this line somewhere online many months ago, never imagining just how big of a part something as profound as this would play in my life. Now keep in mind, it’s easy to go down the rabbit hole into a topic like this but I’m going to try keeping it succinct.

What is Skepticism?

On the surface, the sound of someone being described as a ‘skeptic’ is typically associated with a few generalisations that stem from the dictionary definition of the word. The definition goes something like: ‘A skeptic is a person who does not believe something is true unless they see evidence.’ In plain English, this definition doesn’t raise too many eyebrows. But in the field of philosophy, it’s not an exaggeration to say that this makes for somewhat of an oversimplifcation. This is because skeptics are doubters, who take any and every claim to the truth as a matter for debate.

To some extent, we’re all skeptics. We rely on doubt and consistent behaviour to find out who to confide in, what our emotional and physical trigger points are, whether the next new and trendy FAD is worth trying out, and also whether to trust our mind or our senses.

The degree to which each one of us is a skeptic, greatly differs of course. It depends on our way of thinking, and more importantly, everything we’ve experienced to this day that has resulted in what we call our persona, our self. So it’s not just a matter of showing evidence. It’s more about how that evidence aligns with our way of thinking, our morals and beliefs. Simply put, the evidence for a claim might be present, but it’s still possible to question it to see whether or not that evidence stands firmly under all circumstances.

It’s important for me to mention that skepticism is not the same as curiosity. Curiosity is simply the desire to know something, and that’s it; it stops there. You want to know something? Sweet, you go and learn or find out about it and then you’re ready to move on to the next thing you’d like to know. Skepticism involves wanting to know something, and questioning whether or not you need to believe it before making a decision. Curiosity does not necessarily include skepticism, but skepticism most often does include curiosity.

Now based on this, you might be thinking that a skeptic sounds like someone who would stop at no length to go on and question each and every bit of information he/she comes across in life. An extreme example can be taken of the Greek philosopher Socrates and the French philosopher René Descartes. The latter being one of the forefathers of skepticism, particularly in relation to its role in epistemology, i.e. the study of nature, origin and human knowledge.

Socrates on the other hand was renowned for being incredibly annoying to talk to. He would question everything, justifying his behaviour by claiming that he knows nothing and is eager to learn more. Socrates would ask you to define something, like a table for example. You might say: “A table is a furniture object with 1 or more legs that has a flat surface you can place other smaller items on for eating or work purposes.” But then, Socrates would point to a chair or a stool, saying that “it’s possible for these to fit that definition as well, would that make them the same as a table?”

Yeah….he was not the best conversationalist, but was widely regarded as the wisest man of his time.

Skepticism in Today’s World

Everywhere you look, you’re gonna see some form of information about something. Any field you can think of, has both experts who’ve learned from study and experience about it, as well as pseudo experts who trust wiki sites and reddit forums as their sole source of information. Does this mean we trust only the former experts and not the latter? No. Is it possible for those reddit forums to contain information shared by an expert to help a pseudo expert learn more? Yes. Is it possible for the opposite to happen? Yes. Can I know for sure what’s true based off one reading? No. Can I question it in this manner and test multiple sources of news to get a better understanding? Yes.

Open up any news site and look at the language they use. More often than not, news articles are written cleverly in a way to influence us to buy into what they’re talking about. They use trigger words that appeal to our emotions, to incite positive moods like happiness, pride, inspiration and love; as well as negative emotions such as envy, sorrow, lust and anger. When carried by these emotions, it’s easy to believe these articles on the surface and accept whatever’s written to be true. The result? A skewed and narrow assumption of a topic that we may know very little about, but one that we share word with our friends and family to assert the fact that we are informed, and keep a tab on the events taking place in our world.

Even social media sites like Instagram and Facebook have become mediums for sharing information that is so easily accessible, it’s often taken up on face value without feeling the need to question it. Now all it takes is a simple headline about a murder in a country or a terrorist attack in a country for us to make up our minds that one particular sub group of people in the world are just, horrible in nature. Without knowing their circumstances, their intentions and what made them act in that manner, we make a judgment for better or worse, that ends up slowly affecting how we view our society.

When we take a moment to ask, ‘is this true?’ how do I know it’s true?, we’re putting our own ability to rationalise and understand to the test by choosing what to accept and what not to. As a result, we will inevitably come to the conclusion that is: nothing is absolute and change is constant. It doesn’t matter how much we read about a particular topic, it’s impossible to know everything about it. Similarly, we might hear about someone cheating in a relationship and instantly assume that the cheater is at fault. However, taking a moment to stop and question what motivated the cheater to do so, may reveal some truths about the relationship that weren’t mentioned before. It may not justify the act of cheating, but it may help us become more empathetic towards the people involved, especially if they’re close to us.

Why Skepticism is Helpful

We are often put in positions where someone above us in the social or professional hierarchy gives us advice or tells us what to do. Many of us take such an individual’s advice, not heeding to consider why we are doing what they told us to do. The fact that they are above us, would probably mean that they’re right in their actions, or so we think. By questioning what their advice is and seeking to know where it’s coming from, we are giving ourselves some value as well. The value to make sound judgments and think on our own, based on all the knowledge and experience we’ve accummulated. If it makes sense, we’ll go ahead with what they asked us to do. If not, we question, and question more. If they indeed are right, they should be able to provide a valid reasoning behind their instructions. If not, then we know how to proceed.

Skepticism can also help us become more resistent to being manipulated by someone else. The essence of manipulation requires the person in question to believe. Believe in the manipulator’s words, actions, gestures and promises. Sometimes it’s not all that obvious, and we might fall for something that can have serious consequences for us. Manipulators thrive on people who choose to only see the good in people. They target the gullible and innocent, knowing that they won’t question or find gaps in the argument. They also target the desperate, who they appeal to with fancy promises about getting wealthy or finding love. Either through the next Cryptocurrency to invest in or the next dating app that’ll make your life better.

By wearing a skeptic lens, we approach these individuals with a mindset that accepts the fact that they might have good, or bad intentions. There is certainly good out there, but not to the scale that we like to think. Question, and question further. Anyone who is lying to you, or trying to get in your head and manipulate you will not like it. Because the more we ask them to explain, the more they have to justify themselves, to extend their lies, which is far from easy.

Wrapping Up…

I’ve found that by adopting skepticism in my day to day living, I’ve been able to hold lesser opinions, and care lesser about worldly issues that don’t concern me. I don’t engage in conversations about topics that I don’t know about, and when I find topics that I do know about, I go in accepting the possibility that my ideas might be wrong, and that I’m open to have my mind changed. Skepticism has allowed me to find my own ideas, morals and values, and has helped reinforce them by questioning their validity and finding out whether or not I should believe in them. If I find a rational enough answer to the claim, I know what to do.

We spend so much of our time looking outwards, and not nearly enough looking inwards. When we start looking inside of us, and questioning everything we know, questioning everything we see and hear; that’s when it begins.

That’s when we find ourselves, and become more confident in knowing our place in this world.

Like what you see? This article was a summarised version of one of the episodes of the Ideas & More show. Ideas & More is a blog & podcast channel dedicated towards discussing ideas, stories and experiences. If you’d like to know more about the topic of skepticism, check out the full version of this article on the Ideas & More blog here.

Alternatively, you can listen to the episode on Apple Podcasts and Spotify.

Skepticism: What It Is and Why It’s Important was originally published in Ideas & More on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

~Marcus Aurelius

Few people are familiar with the philosophy known as Stoicism. In fact, if you were to ask someone what their first impression would be of a stoic, they would likely go by Google’s definition of someone who endures pain or hardship without showing their feelings or complaining. Stoicism is more than that. In this article, I share some of my experiences practicing Stoicism over the past year or so. While a year barely scratches the surface, the impact of adopting this philosophy has been so profound in my life that I cannot help but reflect on how it has changed me for the better. The goal here isn’t to sell you a book or two about the stoic way of thinking. So, if at any point during this article you feel like that’s what’s happening, know that you’re reading a Marketing graduate’s work who isn’t too bad at what he does for a living.

A Bit about Stoicism….

I credit a significant proportion of my understanding of Stoicism to Ryan Holiday. Author of numerous best-selling books such as ‘The Obstacle is the Way’, ‘Stillness is the Key’ and ‘The Daily Stoic’; reading his content provided me with a sound understanding of some of the essential Stoic principles. You can find his content on Medium here.

Stoicism is an ancient philosophical school of thought that was popular in the west amongst individuals of varying demographics who shared one thing in common: to pursue a better life. Founded by Zeno of Citium in 3rd century BC, the Stoicism involves the rightful mastery of one’s own emotions through perseverance, self-discipline and wisdom that can help us live a more fulfilled life. History bears testimony to countless successful modern individuals who adopted Stoicism as their way of life in some form or another. People like George Washington, Adam Smith, Immanuel Kant, Thomas Jefferson, Theodore Roosevelt, Margaret Thatcher and many more.

At its core, Stoicism has 4 key virtues:

• Courage: To be willing and able to face any obstacles that stand in your way
• Temperance: To be able to practice self-discipline and moderation in all areas of life
• Justice: To do the right thing, and to never cause to another individual because doing so is to cause harm to yourself
• Wisdom: To remain a student forever through humility. To always aspire to learn from everyone around you, because everyone knows or has been through something that’s new to you.

Everything that an aspiring stoic does in his/her life must abide by one or more of these virtues. Now, you might be thinking that this sounds quite broad and generic. Or, you might be asking, how does one exactly practice these virtues? After all, it’s not exactly the most tangible of things like practicing an instrument or a sport.

The truth is that there isn’t one fixed way of practicing Stoicism. One of the things I love about this philosophy and how it’s presented in many of the books I’ve come across, is that it’s never presented in a way that insinuates how it is meant to change your life. Recently I wrote an article on the world of toxic positivity and self-help, where I talk about the many self-help books out there that try to convince you to read them, promising to change your life. That’s not the case with Stoicism. It’s more about what the ancient stoics did, how it helped them, and how modern humans can adopt the same principles to improve their lives.

Prior to stoicism, I used be quite the over-thinker. Overthinking for me was my way of visualising possible future events in the hopes of being better prepared for them, if they were to actually happen. I used to picture negative scenarios taking place in my studies, work and relationships. If something that I hadn’t visualised were to happen, I would panic and would enter this vicious cycle of overthinking about how I kept overthinking, even though it didn’t help. Basically, overthinking was detrimental to my mental health and I wasn’t able to stop it.

Until Stoicism.

The Dichotomy of Control

One of the cornerstones of Stoicism, is the ability to differentiate between what’s within our control, and what’s beyond our control. I remember taking a moment to sit down to think, and think hard about everything that happens in my life. Everything with my friends, family, relationship, that random person I had a brief interaction with, etc. Soon, I began to realise that there isn’t really anything that I truly have control over. I didn’t control how my friends and family think, or what they say. I didn’t control whether or not someone decides to be rude to me for no obvious reason. I didn’t control the weather, whether it decides to be sunny and pleasant, or cold and windy. One of the most important practices in Stoicism, is to acknowledge and accept the fact that the only thing that’s within our control, is our mind. Our mind, and how we choose to respond to everything happening around us.

One of my favourite Stoic quotes goes something like:

“It isn’t events that disturb people but only their judgments about them.”

~Epictetus

No one has the right to harm us or offend us, and so no one can harm or offend us unless we allow them to. It wasn’t until I took my time reflecting on this principle that I slowly experienced more peace with myself and my thoughts. Every time I was anxious about something and was on the verge of overthinking, I paused and thought to myself, is this really in my control? We all make mistakes, but regret and disappointment didn’t help in any meaningful way. I can’t go back in time and change what happened. What I can do is learn from my mistake and move on, ensuring it doesn’t happen again. Chapter closed.

Everything that used to bother me didn’t bother me any longer, because I knew that worrying about things that I had no control over was futile and didn’t accomplish anything. When it came to those things that were in fact within my control, I used the ‘in the past’ idea that what’s done is done, learn from it and move on. As you can probably guess, I found it increasingly difficult and rare to become angry, anxious, upset or offended because nothing seemed to bother me anymore. While this may sound like I stopped caring and became apathetic, this wasn’t the case. I was just able to differentiate between the battles I could win, and those that I couldn’t.

In the practice of Stoicism, everything in life is considered an opportunity. An opportunity to grow. The only thing we control is our perceptions and if we can look at every impediment, every problem as a means to something bigger, there’s nothing that can cause us distress. A common saying in Stoicism is that of ‘Amor Fati’, or the love for fate, described by German philosopher Friedrich Nietzche. It’s the idea that everything happens for a reason. You don’t have to believe in destiny, just know that most of what happens around us isn’t good or bad, it just…happens amorally.

We decide what to make of them.

Killing the Ego

Another profound experience I’ve had, possible the most riveting amongst all of my 3 years learning and improving myself, was understanding my ego and burying it deep. Revisiting the Stoic virtue of wisdom, there’s another quote by Epictetus that echoes with this idea:

“Throw out your conceited opinions, for it is impossible for you to begin to learn what you think you already know.”

In one of his best-selling books titled ‘Ego is the Enemy’, Ryan Holiday shares his experiences with fame, wealth and success and how he realised that they weren’t in fact as elusive as the world made them seem. I don’t remember resonating this much with a book in a long time, and I’ve completed over 30 titles in the past 3 years.

‘Ego is the Enemy’ utilises certain Stoic ideologies, combined with brilliant anecdotal references to illustrate the consequences of having an ego. Holiday talks about how the root cause of all our problems in life, whether that be involving our knowledge, career, health or relationships stems from our ego. The inflated sense of self importance so many of us tend to have, inhibits our ability to build a healthy bond with one another. I can recall countless incidents where I entered arguments solely for the sake of emerging as the ‘winner’, hoping to assert some form of petty dominance over the other person. What I really was doing, was concealing the innate insecurity within myself that I just wasn’t good enough.

I often come across people who say that having an ego is important if you want to be successful, to which I strongly disagree. If one is able to differentiate, and draw the line between ambition and confidence, versus ego, then success can be attained without any of the negative consequences associated with being egotistic. Ego brings with it insecurity, pride, envy, anxiety, anger, pretty much every negative emotion one can think of.

For me, acknowledging my ego and accepting that it needed to be buried was the first step. I internalised the fact that I am not entitled to anything. The world doesn’t owe me anything. The company that I’m desperately applying for, doesn’t owe me a job. The course that I’m studying for, doesn’t owe me a high grade. The girl who I find attractive, doesn’t owe me her attention. It’s our egos that trick us into thinking we deserve better treatment than others. The idea that we’re better than everyone else. This wreaked havoc on my relationships with those around me, leaving me weak and miserable. Stoicism helped me deal with this, as I internalised my insecurities, embraced my ideals and began looking at things through a different lens.

To wrap up…

These were two of the many Stoic principles that I use to practice Stoicism, and how it has become the guiding philosophy in my life. It has changed me in a way like none other. In case you’re wondering if I wear glasses, have my hair grown to shoulder length and wear a long gown with a cross-strap bag as most stereotypical philosophers, I don’t. Not yet at least.

I believe each of us has a guiding philosophy that dictates our actions, we just don’t know it yet. Stoicism goes far beyond that of what a 21 year old can express in one article after one year of practice. As I mentioned before, there’s a lot more to learn and many more mistakes likely to be made. The only difference now, is that the mistakes I make serve only as a catalyst.

Like fuel, to the flame.

Here’s what I learned after practicing Stoicism for a year… was originally published in Ideas & More on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.

Few would argue that the 21st century is second to none when it comes to broad spectrum technological advancements. Innovations such as 3D printing, Augmented Reality, Blockchain, Artificial Intelligence, Smartphones, Digital Assistants and online streaming are only a few examples of technologies that have changed the way we think and live.

Similarly, the business landscape has never been more competitive than it is today, with companies across various industries innovating and setting new standards with each product or service they introduce. In 2020, we saw Covid-19 slow down the world economy and causing a recessionary phase, one that many nations are still recovering from. However, given the innate nature of humans to never settle, it doesn’t seem as though companies will stop innovating anytime soon.

Trends are interesting. They come when we least expect them to, and go before we even realise it. While it’s true that Covid-19 didn’t particularly make 2020 the easiest of years, it did give rise to certain trends here and there. Here are 3 trends, particularly in Business & Technology that we can expect to see more of, this year.

Trend #1. Working from Home

Covid-19, social distancing and isolation resulted in companies were organising seminars, meetings and recommending general workflows from home. We also saw this transition into university campuses with online lectures and classes replacing in person ones. Many believe that the work from home culture is here to stay, and won’t subside even after Covid-19.

Is that really the case?

Numerous university students and Gen Zs, who graduated in the spring/summer of 2020, began their full time career working from home. For many people of this age, working from home is the new norm. Last year we hit a point where many companies chose to develop the necessary infrastructure that allowed employees to work from home efficiently.

With so much of what we do taking place on ‘the cloud’, working from home has never been easier than it is today. According to a survey, over 40% of the American labour force worked from home in 2020, with 26% wanting to continue working this way. Additionally, 94% of surveyed employers claimed that overall productivity increased by 35–40% after switching to work from home. Possible reasons behind these metrics could be decreased workplace distractions, and improvements in job satisfaction and employee mental health.

Work from home has also affected many other factors, the rather less talked about ones. One example is real estate. Big metropolitan cities such as Sydney, London, Mumbai and New York are so dense that the real estate market is seemingly always on the rise. As a result, numerous such workers have to resort to long commute times daily just to get to work every day. Working from home helps save this time and money spent on transportation, keeping aside any reductions in pollution or CO2 emissions.

Given all these benefits with virtually little to no cost of implementation, there’s no doubt that the ‘work from home’ culture is here to stay.

Trend #2. Business Ecosystems

By definition, the term ‘ecosystem’ in business, is the idea of having a range of products or services that together constitute an interconnected solution. A solution that’s designed to hook the customer in, and keep them in.

A great example of this is multinational tech giant Apple. In Apple’s case, it’s the iCloud storage feature, where all files, music and photos synchronise with ease, allowing for easy sharing and accessibility across all devices. The user interface (UI) of these devices is also therefore similar, if not the same.

Nearly all of the big tech companies are focusing on developing some type of an ecosystem for their consumer base. Tesla for example, is setting up charging stations and also manufacturing power wall systems to charge up homes as well as its electric car range for customers. Google has its own G-Suite set up where members can access all of Google’s apps (Gmail, Drive, Docs, Sheets, Slides, and so on) with extra storage and benefits. The list is endless, and can prove to be the differentiating factor for companies in a market.

Competition + Inspiration?

In 2016, Instagram introducing ‘stories’ on their platform, as a direct response to Snapchat stories. Last year we saw TikTok’s rise to fame with its short, consumer-made video clips that people could relate to. Instagram responded to this as well, introducing Instagram Reels. Recently, Snapchat introduced its own feature titled ‘Spotlight’, which operates under the same principle.

Is it right to call these companies ‘competitors’, given that they take a piece out of each other’s book every now and then?

Most consumers nowadays have developed a short attention span, due to online presence on social media. Tech companies capitalise on this behaviour by presenting quick and easily accessible content that we can enjoy. TikTok is the perfect example of this, tapping into the customer’s behavioural patterns of looking, swiping, looking again.

Thinking about these companies intricately helps realise that they’re not as different as they seem. There’s this mutual respect for one another, but also active acknowledgement for the existing competition.

Trend #3. Socially Responsible Operations

A by-product of having so much content online and on social media, is that consumers have become largely vocal about pretty much anything and everything under the sun. Because of this, customers are becoming more and more aware of what goes on behind the scenes in these companies. Anytime a company is under fire by the media for irresponsible social practices, the world gets to know.

Data privacy is growing to be a central issue in business operations, particularly with the big tech companies involved. Recently, we witnessed the whole Whatsapp privacy policy topic that went viral. It didn’t come as a surprise to find out that Facebook was using Whatsapp to access our data for its Marketing; we’ve used Facebook long enough to know that. However, this sparked a new wave of consumers moving towards alternate messenger apps such as Signal and Telegram, that promise better data privacy and security. .

For more information on Data Privacy and Marketing, check out another article discussing these issues in more detail: here.

Eco — Friendly Substitutes

Another trend relating to being social responsible is switching towards environmentally sustainably alternatives. A survey of over 1,000 consumers in the UK and USA conducted by Futerra found that 96% believe their actions such as donating, recycling or buying ethically can make a difference. This chart summarises the findings:

Companies like Tesla began the trend of building electric cars because Elon Musk had a vision for the future. Now, other car manufacturers such as Mercedes, BMW, Audi, Nissan and Toyota are all introducing their own range of electric vehicles because that’s the direction the market is heading. Clothing companies like Boden and Tentree are striving to provide ethically sourced, sustainable clothing for customers by planting trees, reducing the environmental footprint and ensuring fair, safe working conditions. It’s something that’s driving business in multiple industries, so it’s no surprise to see more and more companies embracing the eco-friendly trend.

We live in a society where innovation is fostered and encouraged, the biggest beneficiaries of all being, none other than us: the consumers.

What a time to be alive.

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3 Business & Technology Trends to look out for in 2021 was originally published in Ideas & More on Medium, where people are continuing the conversation by highlighting and responding to this story.