Clutter

Note (not part of the word count):

I want to take the time to recognize all the front line workers… everyone from healthcare professionals, delivery folks, and even merchants and their workers who stay open to keep this us moving. I know I don’t have it as hard as them and I don’t want to pretend I understand their struggle. Their sacrifices should not be unnoticed; it helped me write this post about a trivial struggle because I can stay at home. They are sacrificing their health and economic standing on our behalf. Thank you. For anyone reading, support them how you can.

Fellow Canadians, https://www.canadahelps.org/en/donate-to-coronavirus-outbreak-response/ you can donate here to the cause closest to your heart

Photo by Wonderlane on Unsplash

I want to try a different direction for my accountability so I thought I follow up from last week’s post. Trying to build self-compassion through a chaotic time is proving to be more difficult than anticipated.

I struggle with mess and clutter; it causes me a lot of suffering because I deeply desire to be uncluttered. In Buddhism, understanding human desire is an important lesson whereby the more one desires, the more one suffers. It’s a difficult balance.

So… why do I desire to be uncluttered?

It became clear to me that clutter is like not listening to action. That’s why I’m so hard on myself, I want to show people I listen. Clutter also means I’m not listening to myself, thus a point of self sabotage towards something greater. Yet I’m paradoxically functional… most times?

I also have ADHD which fosters an “out of sight and out of mind mentality.” If it’s not in my view, it’s not in my mind. That’s how it works. It’s not that I’m not “listening”, it’s as if the sound doesn’t occur at all. That’s why my clutter to others is painful, it’s the pain of not being heard.

Clutter is my inner battle of the self and other. I may be fine, but others are not. As I deal with clutter, I need to think of others more than myself which sincerely makes me anxious.

Now the tough question is, who do I keep hurting to achieve balance?

Word count: 247
Twitter: @bhavprajapati

52 | 250 (fifty two | two fifty), a collection of random, recurring, ruminations written with patience for depth and brevity. Each post is written over the course of a week in 250 words or less as a personal exercise of freedom and focus in a time of placid tumult and despair.