Meeting Auschwitz
(This is the English translation of a German version, published in October 2015)
It is one thing to contemplate and meditate on headlines and images regarding current events (this is what we are practicing at 5 Minutes a Day). An alternative approch to engage more fully and intensely with the world is to travel to historically important places and expose oneself to the past by immersing in its remains.
A group of meditations, all students of the Academy of Inner Science, did just that earlier this year: we spend a week in Auschwitz-Birkenau, the most notorious site of the Nazi mass murder of Jews, political opponents, Roma&Sinti and other persecuted groups during the Third Reich.
During the days we visited the Auschwitz Main Camp and saw, together with many other visitors from around the world, the different Holocaust exhibitions. But the majority of our time was spent in Birkenau, the huge concentration camp three kilometers away.
There we walked past the endless rows of barracks, which between 1940 and 45 housed 400 prisoners each under the most inhumane conditions. We spent a long time on the ramp, the platform between the railroad tracks, where the incoming prisoners were seperated by sex and where within the space of a few minutes SS-Officers decided who would be led directly into the gas chambers and who would belong to those being assigned to forced labour (about a quarter of arrivals, most of whom would die later of torture, hunger or illness). We saw the barrack, in which Dr. Mengele performed his sadistic medical experiments and the complex where prisoners were forced to sort through the belongings of their murdered fellows. The majority of our time though was spent in meditation next to the gas chambers and furnaces: here we sat, on the ground, alone or with the whole group of ninteen people.
How can a human being meet the horrors of the Holocaust? We all know a lot about the crimes being commited — from our history lessons at school, from books, films and articles. Over the past decades Germany especially has established a very reflective commemorative culture. Yet when we decided to travel together to Auschwitz, we aimed for a less intellectual historical investigation; we wanted to open ourselves up in a more inclusive and wholistic way. Not only processing with our mind what had happened there three quarters of a century ago, but with our bodies, emotions and souls.
Our question was: what would we be able to percieve in the concentration camp, if we really tried to completely engage with it?
Engaging happens on many different levels, from the individual and personal level to the collective, energetical. Everyone in the group arrived in Auschwitz with their own particular story; the descendants of Jewish victims, as well as the grandchild of a prominent Nazi politician. The grandfather of one of us had served as a guard in Mauthausen (the largest Austrian concentration camp). Another, the major of a town near Danzig, engaged a maid from Stutthof, as forced laboror. Everyone of us could identify traces of Hitler Germany and the Holocaust in our upbringing and biography. There were the silences dominating families after the war and beyond, the shame and guilt associated with the German past, as well as the immense pain of the descendants of holocaust victims and survivors.
At the same time our meditation group wanted to give room to the collective dimension of the Holocaust: is there an energetic footprint we can still perceive? What does the site tell us about humanity as such? Which universal forces were at work and can still be discerned today?
Most visitors to the concentration camp, had their own agenda: the many Jewish school children and descendants of other persecuted groups honoured their victims. The German visitors tried to understand intellectually how such crimes could have been committed by their countrymen.
Open for the victims, as well as the perpetrators
In contrast, our aim was to be receptive to everyone — to emotionally open ourselves up to the unimaginable suffering of the 1.1 Million victims of Auschwitz, as well as the murderous energy of the perpetrators, the fear and cowardliness of the followers.
Our group went through a great variety of emotions — numbness, fear, panic, shame, disgust, superiority, anger etc.. Numbness and diffuse dismay were probably the most common of them. It seems, that we have a quasi reflexive defence mechanisms, which prevents us from really grasping something as cruel as the systematic extinction of masses of human beings. Empathy, as demonstrated by recent psychological research, is not something which comes to us necessarily naturally, but is an acquired capacity. That is, because empathy has a prize: if you are really empathetic, you often won’t be able to continue leading the same comfortable life as before.
For many for us, the exhibits in the main camp, which illustrated the horrors of the Nazi extermination mashine — gigantic mountains of hair, thousands to children show, suitcases and spectacles frames — were important visual reminders to help us realize that these crimes had really happened.
The national exhibitions in the barracks — such as the Israeli, Hungarian and French ones — served a similar purpose. They also countered the trend to reduce the lives of the dead to their victimhood, by documenting the rich, lively and diverse biographies of the persecuted populations before and during their ordeal in Auschwitz.
Excerpts from the Reflections of Participants
Nineteen people encountered Auschwitz in their individual ways. Here are a few excerpts from our experiences:
Listening and Witnessing
I am visiting Auschwitz-Birkenau now for the fourth time. Always to emotionally witness the site. To confront deeper and more naked the Holocaust as an integral part of the Germany shadow. To feel and sense within me.
I would never go there to heal something. I, for my part, didn’t know the wound.
Of course, in my head I knew the wound of the Holocaust, but I had never experienced it in my heart and in my pelvis.
My first visit to Auschwitz-Birkenau was dominated by stiffness, numbness and only very few moments of emotional movement. in my experiences it takes time and other people as well as a spiritual practice to approach the wound.
In my experience, this place is not only about emotional abysses, but also about light. Light as an inner experience, a divine breath, which appears as grace. As a higher connection, as peace within the dark shadow.
Auschwitz-Birkenau teaches me humility and devotion. Because there is nothing I can do but find my way to it. And being there, to listen and bear witness. (Stefan)
The Honesty of the Place
The honesty of the place has moved me the most. The inability to comprehend the horror which happened there lead me to a very direct confrontation with Auschwitz and parts of myself. It showed me the extremes of human beings and during those moments, in which I was able to confront it, I also met a higher radicality in myself. Unadorned, without space to escape. (Martin)
To look into the face of the largest crime
Again I have taken a trip to Auschwitz in the company of a number of people and experienced how important it is to confront this place with a Sangha. Only this support enabled me to look into the face of the largest crime in humanity; to be there, bearing witness, with my presence. Unbelievable — again my heart was wide open for love. (Andrea)
The courage to be with what is (not)
I perceive Auschwitz to be a place which wants to be visited continuously, which needs people to be there and bear witness.
My challenge was to continuously be present to what was emerging and what wasn’t. To see my expectations and ideas for what they were and to compare them to what was really there. To let everything be there and to again and again find the courage to be with what is (not).
What I experienced:
a hint of this most deepest of humiliation
a feeling of coldness
the ruins as witness that the plan didn’t succeed
a feeling of peace
many questions
What I didn’t experience:
tears
shock
anger
I experienced the exchange with other participants and the group as a mirror, in which my own perception became clearer. (Christiane)
My feeling awareness expands
What really stayed with me after this week in Auschwitz with our group of 19 is a much stronger ability to confront myself with reality. It feels like the space inside myself, that is needed to face what is going on around me, “out there” in the world, is much bigger than it has ever been before.
No, I still can’t face the whole range of what happened in Auschwitz. But the ability to look at the photos, pictures, films, the places where “it” (mass murder, extreme cruelty, etc) all happened, grew. My feeling awarness seems to expand.
I’m much more interessted in what’s going on in the world right now. I’m much more in an emotional contact with what i’m reading in the newspaper, listening to on tv. not fully, but closer.
After being at that place, where the dark side of being human is so enormous, I’m not willing to shut down again, close my eyes. And, suprisingly, i felt closer to “god”, more connected with the people, who went on that trip together with me, than before. The darkest shadow and a very strong experience of light, that’s what Auschwitz means to me.
I’m deeply touched and grateful for the people in our group and every single person that went there with on open, feeling heart. My protctive shield melted, my heart feels broken in a good way. There is pain and a deep trust in life at the same time. (Monika)
Present, palpable, powerful
I was surprised that during the days we spent in Auschwitz I didn’t descend into the horrors, either through mental pictures or by being swamped in emotional seas. My experience was mostly a feeling of mutual support and solidarity with my German companions, whether they felt pain, shame, or the powers of the perpetrators. God bless them. They went where they had to go and they brought me along with grace. Mostly, I felt Light, Joy, and a resolute determination for life, all of which are qualities that I believe to have been nascent in my energetic stream. Auschwitz/Birkenau is an incredible place or energy field. So present, palpable, powerful. The whole range is there, low horrors to high holy. (Russell)
Healing my own history
In retrospect the voyage to Auschwitz healed a part of my own history. I have the feeling to be more whole upon return. Surprisingly enough, I feel a deep peace, despite all the horrendous images and informations I was confronted with in Auschwitz.
I am hugely grateful for the support I felt in the group. Everything was allowed to be, all was accepted … I felt and feel held. Today I see myself as a witeness and perceive the witnessing consciousness to be a very important part of our history. (Ines)
Between rigidity and rage
Already before our trip to Auschwitz I was afraid of what would happen there. Which emotions would be triggered? What would the place and the mass exterminations do to me? It was the help of all the people who supported us back home, as well as our individual prayers, which gave me confidence and power.
The massive crossing of boundaries, the deeply inhumane treatment, the violent deaths of so many people, and especially those of so many children, created a complete incomprehension and rigidity, which was later followed by rage and sadness. I was only able to experience all these emotions (at least partly) through the contact with the group. I alternated between collective and personal topics. I was deeply touched by the last meditation at the crematorium, during which I was allowed to experience that the divine is always present — also with all the people who died in Auschwitz. (Britta)
I see you
Slowly I walk through blocks 4 and 5 in the main camp. Now I am a witness, I am no longer only reading about it. Huge piles of hair, glasses and many other objects. I can’t cope with all the children shoes. Quickly I leave the room. Tears release the tension. Its a relief to meet members of our group while walking through the rooms, to touch their hands, exchange a glance. A hug comforts me.
In Auschwitz Birkenau we are standing on the ramp. Seperated in groups, men on one side, women on the other. Over there, in front, are those of us, who will be brought directly into the gas chamber, worthless, humiliated, abused.
I was standing in this first row. I didn’t feel the cold wind, but instead a mighty force within me. During the half hour meditation I stood there, upright and dignified, knowing that this path would end in death. But I was fearless. The pain I felt was for my children and grandchildren, who I was unable to protect.
Our group mediated in the forest next to the gas chambers and furnaces. In the place where the ashes of countless victims was scattered. In front of my inner eye, I see a stream of countless people flowing into the gas chamber. Quietly I repeat the mantra “I see you” and suddenly I see individual faces in the flow of people.
The next day, in the same place, I observe a deep silence, a vast space and peace within me. Can this be? (Irmtraut)
A flame illuminates the space
Our joint meditations on the camp grounds, especially next to the gaschamber and funaces III establises a strong field, noticable for all of us. Standing there I feel every cell of my body expanding and opening. If I allow this to happen without any intervention, crying happens. The crying is unfamiliar, flows through me, is not very personal.
When I let myself sink, there in the depth is a presentiment, a hint of grief, of a vast, immense space. It’s like standing in the corner of a roof and lighting a match. For a short moment, the flame lights the space around me and I can vaguely see the outlines of the space. And at the same time I get a sense of the vast dimensions, of a space, I will never be able to grasp. Than the flame extinguishes. Not more! And this needs to be acknowledged: Not more! (Hella)
A Auschwitz-Birkenau Diary
Let’s conclude with a few excerpts from the diary of one participant:
(…)
13.10.2015 — Birkenau in the afternoon
I walk along the rail tracks to the ramp. This is the place where those prisoners deemed fit to work were selected to stay in the camp, while the rest was deported directly to the gas chambers. A permanent smoke of burnt coal lies in the air. With every step I take, I become more robust internally. At the ramp there are barbed wire wall, which are separating the camp and lead directly to gaschambers 4 and 5. The end of the path is hidden in fog. Scarily, I feel only the increasing cold in my body This numbness stays with me throughout the afternoon, even as I am meditating next to the gas chamber. Here over 100.000 people were murdered. Unbelievable. I try to imagine the people at the entrance to the chamber, as they walk the stairs towards the entrance. I am unable to connect to this image emotionally. Numb and withdrawn I leave Birkenau when darkness falls. (…)
14.10.2015 — Main Camp, in the evening
I want to see the Israelian exhibition. One hour before closing time, there are hardly any other visitors beside me. At the entrance I am greeted by a hebrew prayer song. Somehow I feel held.
In the next room are films and images of Jewish life before the Holocaust. They remind me of those old Super8 film reals from my childhood. In the next room, there are monitors showing Nazi propaganda videos. I am standing next to one with english subtitles. A shock goes through me: I don’t need to read the translation, the films are in my mothertongue. German!!!
The next room happens without me. Images of the holocaust, so drastic in their depiction of murder and death, like I have never seen before. Mechanically I leave the room, look outside of the window, as waves of tears flow through me. How can humans do this? I can’t tear away from the next room: on the wall are pencil drawings by children in the concentration camp. I can only cry. I look at every image. This is the least I can do. The tears are flowing. 1.5 million children were killed in the Holocaust!
(…)
15.10.2015 — Birkenau in the afternoon
We are standing on the ramp. Feeling into the selection process. Who will be sent to death immediately, who is deemed fit to work? The separation of men and women, children and parents, brothers and sisters, loved ones. This mix of pain and helplessness and rage war already addressed last night in our group discussion. I expect the pain of separation, fear of imminent death. Rage appears. Sentences like “get rid of them”, “I only do my work”, “stop howling” appear in my head. I fight them, want to experience empathy, open myself for the pain, imagine what it would be like to be separated from my family. I’m unable to do so. I am cold, I want to get the job done, want to clear the ramp. Get rid of them!!!
Later I walk, no, I march back to the hotel. I count the steps until 7, again and again. Think nothing, feel nothing. At the bus stop I meet four youths. They are looking at me. In my fury, I have to restrain myself not to attack them. I go to bed, can’t stand the whole group and all their palaver.
16.10.2015 — Birkenau
Dense fog lies over Birkenau. Only a group of German school children walks in small groups around. Very carefully, they place red roses at specific locations. When I walk over to the crematorium, a red rose appears out of the fog. I am very touched by the way these young people manage to create a solumn mood full of humility, grief and silence.
(…)
This meditation is special. I can sense a very strong group energy, I am far away, yet very present. The light nearly blinds me. I thought the light was coming from the sun through the fog, but then I see that it appears from elsewehre. The fog around the furnace is a thick as before.
Towards the end we are standing in a circle for a toning. I sense the connections amongst our group. I can see our circle and the furnace, as if from above, with a kind of thankfulness and pain. Waves of grief, relatedness and thankfullness run through me. (Stefan)
N.B. For those interested in the experience of other meditation groups in Auschwitz, I can highly recommend the last book by the late Peter Matthiessens, In Paradise, about a trip with a Zen group to the concentration camp.
