Your Toddler’s Going to be a Real Heart-Breaker!

Jim Tatalias
Published in
3 min readSep 7, 2021


Photo by Senjuti Kundu on Unsplash

Oh, your daughter is adorable. You’d better watch out, Greg! She’s going to break some hearts one day. Yes, she will. You’re gonna have to grab those teenage boys’ penises and point them in other directions.

Enjoy it now. In just 12 years, you’ll have a teenage girl on your hands, buddy. Another five years until she’s an adult and gone forever. Then 70 more years and she’s dead. That’s just the facts of life, man.

Yeah, you’re going to have to guard that one with a shotgun, buddy! And shoot those teenage boys’ heads off. What’s left of their faces will be like a wet rag, hanging loosely from their neck-flap, going drip drip drip slowly onto their Aeropostale smart-fit polos. And their parents I only assume will go pick up their eyeballs and shrug and be like, “Yeah that’s a good dad right there.”

How old is she? One year old? I bet you’re not looking forward to her hitting puberty! Let’s talk more about your baby girl’s puberty! She’s gonna be hot! Picture those boobies! And listen, those boys are only out for one thing. I should know. I was one of them once. Now I’m a creepy older man.

Yep, she’ll have to beat them off with a stick. And then you take that stick and make an effigy in your front yard out of corn husks and obvious male genitals to keep them away. Also, it’s a craft, and girls like crafts so she can help you out.

Those boys — who are also toddlers right now — are toast! Haha! They will get the hell scared out of them when you shame them for being the same gender as you.

Daddy’s little girl forever? Well, I got news for you: You will come to fear her and her normal — I guess you’d say healthy — sexual development. Those 15-year-old boys in the year 2035 are sexual masterminds. Dormant and powerless for years, these boys will come to power and threaten her purity and their own purity and all of our purities. That’s a cute onesie.

Here’s the lowdown, Dad. She might get pregnant. And there are two ways you should go about that: “OH GOD NO I TOLD YOU THIS WOULD HAPPEN YOU DIDN’T LISTEN TO ME YOU NEVER LISTEN TO ME OH NO OH NO NO NO NO HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME” (age 17–26), and “When are you going to give me some grandkids?” (26–63)

Listen, when I was a kid, I was no boy scout. I messed around. I raised hell. Probably had too much fun. We all did. Do I have regrets? Maybe a few little ones. But I wouldn’t trade it for anything. What was I talking about? Oh, right: Teen dicks. You watch out for those teen dicks. They’re not reasonable like your dick or mine. These teen dicks are dicks with nothing to lose. Did you see that Jackass Part 2? I pull that up all the time. It’s pretty good. That’s what you’re up against. They shoot bottle rockets up them things. They’re terrible. Pretty funny. But seriously watch out.

What if she dates a girl? What? The hell are you talking about. You’re getting me all distracted.

You want her to be the good girl that got away for every guy she meets. And then, with all hope, she dies alone. That’s what you want. All right, I got to go.

Bye-bye sweetie! The cutest.

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Jim Tatalias

writer, funny-writer, parent, once told a cop who just gave him a ticket to "drive safe" when saying goodbye