This is Part 10 of ‘Gaming Myself Happy’, a blog/journal/review series where I attempt to play the 500 Best Video-Games Of All Time, whilst taking a look at my own mental health and working on getting better. You don’t have to read them all in order, but the full intro and Part 1 can be found HERE.
Today is a completely game-free day, as I travel back from Wales to the new house that my girlfriend and I recently moved into, and I’ve just realised that in the last three days I’ve spoken to two separate people about my struggles with depression and mental health. That’s a HUGE deal for me.
I didn’t go into much detail, but to actually talk to another person about how I’ve been feeling, and to even say the ‘D’ word out loud to them, was absolutely massive for me. Usually I feel so dramatic and over-the-top if I try to open up about these things, and then afterwards I’m filled with shame and self-hate for making a big deal out of it; it’s a nasty cycle that leaves me feeling more and more withdrawn and isolated, so to actually talk about it, even in a small way, is pretty damn cool.
This is one of the ways that I can see therapy has been starting to help me. Over the last couple weeks I’ve found myself opening up a lot more in sessions, and actually talking. And while it’s fucking difficult and doesn’t come naturally to me at all, it also feels kind of nice to be able to share a little bit of what I’m going through.
EDITORS NOTE: So, therapy. I started seeing a therapist about five months before I began working on this Gaming Myself Happy project, and it was one of the hardest steps I ever made. For anybody going through mental health issues, it can feel absolutely impossible to reach out for help, and it took a LONG time before I could even begin to think about seeing somebody.
I won’t pretend that therapy has been easy, or that it solved everything for me; in fact, it can often feel like it’s not making any difference at all, or even that it’s making things worse. It can be frustrating and exhausting and like prodding an open wound with a hot stick.
But it can also be a complete relief. I’m really grateful for the therapist that I found, and even when a session involves me barely managing to say three full sentences, it’s become a place where I feel safe enough to TRY talking about what I’m going through.
It might take a few attempts to find somebody you like (I went through two other options that didn’t feel right), but I’ve found it to be a really worthwhile step, and an essential breathing space. There’s nothing to be ashamed of, and there are even charities out there that can help cover costs or match you with a therapist. I myself was able to get some support from Help Musicians UK, a group focused on supporting working musicians that are dealing with mental health issues.
So if you’re struggling, consider asking for help. I understand how goddamn difficult it can feel, but I’m definitely glad that I eventually made that step.
After realising that I’d actually spoken about this out loud to another human being, I had the idea to create some kind of video-game-style ‘Achievements’ list for this whole ‘Getting Better’ thing. For example:
You know, something along those lines.
I think it’s important to celebrate the steps you take along the way, because they really are meaningful; and even though I have a shit-load of miles ahead of me, it’s good to remember that I’m further along than I was a month ago.
Game #20: Garry’s Mod
RELEASED: 2004
PLATFORM: PC
REVIEW: “…[a] must-own sandbox game” — Rock, Paper, Shotgun
I actually had to do some Google research and watch an entire Youtube video just to figure out what this ‘game’ even is, which is a first for me! Garry’s Mod is more like a creative toolbox than a strict ‘game’ in itself, with a physics-based sandbox you can play around in, building contraptions and scenes out of smaller parts, and even the ability to play a huge selection of game-modes created by other people.
Unfortunately we still don’t have Internet installed in our new house, so I’m stuck on the single-player sandbox mode. I’m not sure exactly what will count as ‘having played’ this game, or what goals to set for myself here, so I guess I’ll just dive in and play around for a bit.
Remember what I wrote in the last article about the Freedom Curve of different games? Well, Garry’s Mod has a ‘curve’ that looks like this:
This is the extreme end of freedom, in that you can literally do whatever you want with the tools you have. There are no goals or unlockables, just a free space to play about in.
After spending about half an hour looking at the objects menu (see screenshot a few paragraphs above) and having no clue how to do anything, I suddenly find the DUPLICATOR GUN and instantly copy paste a whole bunch of skulls and briefcases around, just for the shit of it. I mean, why not?
Okay, that’s pretty neat!
But then I find a WAY cooler toy, and possibly the coolest invention ever: the balloon-gun. Using this tool, I can attach balloons to anything, and this quickly turns into a game of ‘How Many Balloons Do I Need To Make This Float?’
A bathtub takes six balloons, while it takes a whole shit-load of balloons to lift a dune-buggy. It was only a matter of time before I started using human subjects, and this poor guy only needed two balloons to float off into the endless abyss forever:
Farewell, brave soul!
Bored with balloons for now, I decided to try and get the gang together for a nice photograph. You can pick up characters and pose all of their limbs individually, even manipulating their facial expressions down to the tiniest detail, and I’m 100% sure that absolutely no inappropriate material has ever been crafted by teenage boys using this game.
Luckily for you I’m 31 years old, so the steamiest idea I have involves two adults just hanging out on the sofa.
Sadly that is WAY harder to construct than I expected:
After a bit more work, I finally managed to move a couple of characters into a very friendly, happy, natural-looking embrace:
Great work guys, that’s the kind of positive attitude we need in the world right now.
After a bit more fucking about, I suddenly looked around at the chaos I had created, and realised that I might need a bit more direction to guide the rest of my time with Garry’s Mod.
So I decided it’s time for a new challenge. The capabilities of this game are obviously massive and way beyond my ability to explore in a short amount of time, so I need a more solid goal to aim for. I’m going to attempt to build a working car!
ATTEMPT NUMBER 1:
I’m no engineer, but I’m pretty sure that the first thing any car needs is a solid base. And what could be a more firm foundation than three mattresses piled on top of each other?
As it turns out, there are a LOT of things more effective than three mattresses, even when they have been welded together. When I attempted to attach wheels to them, something weird happened with the physics and the whole pile just kind of EXPLODED into nothingness, which is not exactly the ideal behaviour for a vehicle.
Back to the drawing board!
ATTEMPT NUMBER 2:
As I had already discovered during my earlier experiments, a bathtub is a VERY good place to store a human being…
*cough* only in a video game of course *cough*
…and so with the memory of Arkham City still fresh in my mind, I decided that my vehicle would be a BATH-MOBILE, and I confidently got to work.
But again, it seems like the physics of building a car are slightly more complicated than just shoving wheels on a bath. Who knew? Here’s video footage of what happened next:
Hmm. Something’s definitely not quite right here.
But then I remember that lightbulb guy, and how he took 1000 attempts to get it right, and my heart is lifted with inspiration and confidence. I can do this!
ATTEMPT NUMBER 3:
After a bit of scientific thinking, I realise what the problem is here: I’m missing a separate flat base to attach my wheels to. How stupid of me! The answer was clear: stick a filing cabinet underneath.
Looking nice and comfy there, Glenys!
But sadly, when I attached wheels, the whole thing just tipped forward, spilling poor Glenys straight out and onto her face. I may have been too eager to jump into live trials, and I won’t make that mistake again; an important lesson for scientists everywhere.
ATTEMPT NUMBER 4:
Prepare yourself for this next image. It’s going to blow your mind.
Now we’re getting somewhere, baby!
The filing cabinet base was clearly far too small for the bathtub to sit on, so I’ve fixed that by using a nice big heavy skip instead. Attach a couple of poles and some big chunky off-road wheels, and I can tell that I’m getting close. It’s time to give it another test. LET’S DO THIS!
Oh. Well that was disappointing.
There’s obviously something going on here in the physics engine that I just haven’t quite grasped yet. There’s something about an ‘Axis Gun’ and the ability to create two pieces that can rotate around each other, but I can NOT get my head around it.
But hold on for just a second… there’s one word that I DO understand, and that word is: ‘thrusters’.
I think we’re back in business.
ATTEMPT NUMBER 5:
Ladies and gentleman, I present to you the future of transport: the GMH Rocket-Powered Bath-Mobile!
SUCCESS!!!
Okay, so maybe it’s a little bit dangerous, and there’s not exactly any way to steer or brake or survive, but IT WORKS! It goes forward, and holds a person, and I am very satisfied with my successful mission. I had a goal, and I achieved it. Wow, I’m really smashing this whole ‘life’ thing aren’t I?
But now I have the experimental bug, and I have to go even further. I decide to set up a race with four bathtubs at once, equipping extra thrusters and balloons. The starting line is set!
Unfortunately, I think I got a little bit too enthusiastic, as it was obviously a bit much for my computer to handle all at once. The framerate drops to a crawl, as my poor brave scientist volunteers get fired off into space in a variety of directions and the Rocket-Powered Bath-Mobile Experiment reaches a dramatic and violent conclusion.
This is when I realise that I’ve been playing Garry’s Mod for two hours, and the time has flown past. I have barely scratched the surface of what you can do here, but I had a great time doing it, and I’m starting to realise why this ‘game’ deserves a place on the list. It was fun, and with enough time and creativity there are near-endless possibilities.
Let us never forget the scientists who gave their lives to this brave endeavour.
Game #21: QWOP
RELEASED: 2008
PLATFORM: Browser
REVIEW: “…like a portal to a kinder, gentler internet.” — AV Club
Continuing our fun with physics-based video games, here’s one that you can join in with at home, by clicking RIGHT HERE!
Oh QWOP, what a lovely surprise to find you on this list. This is a completely ridiculous and hilarious game, with such a simple premise: you have to run as far as you can down an athletic track, using four different keys to control different leg muscles. Q and W are used to control the thighs, while O and P control the calves, giving the game it’s name.
Remember when I thought Alone In The Dark was hard to control? QWOP is a whole brilliantly chaotic new level, taking an apparently simple task and turning it into a brain-melting challenge.
My girlfriend and I took turns to play, and we had a hilarious time as our star athlete struggled to shuffle beyond the starting line. The acrobatics are honestly a sight to behold: most of our first few attempts ended in a negative score, desperately trying to lean forwards before crumpling to the ground a few meters behind where we started.
It’s pure comedy to watch, but QWOP is also surprisingly addictive, and I was determined to figure out how to make it work. That determination didn’t get me very far, but I did manage to awkwardly shuffle my way to a personal record of 7.5 metres, which my girlfriend quickly topped by reaching a stellar 8.2 metres (making her feel VERY happy about herself) so that’s the high watermark for you all to beat.
It’s a fun little game that I still have open on a browser tab just so I can give it one more shot, and it’s a nice break after some of the big beefy games of the past few days.
It also seems like a nice metaphor for my life over the past year or so. Honestly, sometimes it feels like the simplest tasks are absolutely impossible, and I’m like the main character of QWOP: any time I try to move forward, I end up out of control and collapsing in a puddle on the ground.
Now and then you think you might be making progress, maybe even moving a few meters, but then for no reason your legs fly out from under you and you’re flying arse-over-tit once again. Yep, fighting mental health issues is a lot like playing QWOP.
But here’s the nice thing: in QWOP, you get encouraged just for trying. No matter how shitty you do, you always receive this medal at the end:
And when you’re trying to beat depression, anxiety, trauma, or any other mental health problem, every single time you try to move forward is an example of real courage that deserves to be celebrated, even if you end up moving -0.7 metres.
That’s something I’m trying to learn, whether it’s talking to somebody about my struggles or just eating a good meal, to celebrate those small-but-huge Achievements I unlock along the way, and QWOP feels like another perfect reminder of that.
And actually, today was the first day in a long time that I was able to think to myself, even just for a second:
everything is going to be okay.
