We Are Not Alone in These Trenches
People whom I likely will never meet have conspired to save my life
Who Will Protect Me?
My therapist asked me a few weeks ago who I thought of as a protective figure. And, much to my own dismay, I not only lacked a good answer, I could not provide any answer.
I have always received material and physical protection and so cannot speak to the effects of those types of deficits. But my mind immediately went to the question of who would offer me strength during stormy seas, at times when I could not even muster the ability to drop my impassive facade.
“Who would offer me strength during stormy seas?”
I grappled the past few weeks with the prospect of coming out as trans and seeking protection from those who I was not positive would be eager to offer it. I asked for a safety and understanding that I doubted even existed, and moreover, questioned whether I had any kind of legitimate claim to it.
Breaking Free of the Gender Desire Trap
A major source of tension in the weeks leading up to my coming out was that I wanted to feel like a real trans woman prior to coming out to others as a trans woman. But a major prerequisite for my feeling real was the assurance that could only be realized through the social act of sharing my identity with others.
This is a sort of perennial Catch-22 for us whenever we seek to reinvent ourselves or cultivate a value previously unknown to us. Amanda Roman proposes the term gender desire to reframe this foggy in-between state in a manner that helps us move forward.
The conscious shift of understanding my path through this lens bolstered my confidence and helped enable me to make that leap into the unknown, jumping out of a building without a clear view of the safety net below me. Those in my life have thus far embraced me with open arms, loving hearts, and unwavering support. I know that I am extremely fortunate and it is hard to truly convey the depth of my gratitude for their compassion.
Those in my life have thus far embraced me with open arms, loving hearts, and unwavering support.
Catching the Safety Net
But I want to circle back and explore that space of not knowing, the sensation of being mid-air without any surety of a smooth landing. I continued to ponder that explicit question of how I felt protected. I needed (and continue to need) forces that can protect me and sustain me through the valleys of self-doubt.
The fundamental truth of the matter is that I simply would not have come out if I truly experienced the terror and loneliness of being completely unprotected and on my own. I came to recognize that yes, I did have some kind of protective network in place that had gotten me this far during my precarious process of questioning and accepting the nature of my gender.
So what has protected me all this time? As I chewed on this question, hoping that I had overlooked some glaringly obvious single figure, I thought of an emotional safety net that can only come in the form of numerous interconnected pieces.
People whom I likely will never meet have conspired to save my life. It was never my life that they set out to save; more likely it was their own. Certain people, by virtue of being themselves, and having the courage to share that honesty, have helped create a world with pockets wherein I can find camaraderie and community.
People whom I likely will never meet have conspired to save my life.
Through various online forums and video testimonies, I encountered a pattern of experience that seamlessly came together to form a unified whole far greater than the sum of its parts. And I thank these anonymous helpers on my journey, each serving as an interweaving part of a patchwork of wholesome encouragement
We are strangers to one another on some level, but we also have the extraordinary capacity to bear witness and heal others by expressing ourselves fully. And there is a limitless reservoir of strength, courage, and hope in this collective. We are like a volunteer fire department comprised entirely of burn victims.
We are like a volunteer fire department comprised entirely of burn victims.
Trans Visibility
Although this year’s Transgender Day of Remembrance has come and gone, I still remember the people who fought to make my life easier:
- Christine Jorgensen (article by Poole, 2020)
- Marsha P. Johnson (article by ucnj.org, 2021)
- Sylvia Rivera (article by Rothberg, 2021)
- Flawless Sabrina (article by Drucker, 2018)
and so many others.
And I express my gratitude to those who promote visibility on a stage that reaches millions: Julia Serano, Janet Mock, Laverne Cox, Mj Rodriguez, Indya Moore, Dominique Jackson, Hailie Sahar, Angelica Ross, Alexia Garcia, Quei Tann, Jen Richards, Daniela Vega, Elliot Page, Elliot Fletcher, and so many others.
And to those sending out positive communications to people like me struggling in the trenches, all I can say is that I will likely never meet you but you saved my life: ContraPoints, Philosophy Tube, Samantha Lux, Kat Blaque, Mia Mulder, Jesse Gender, Riley J. Dennis, Luxander, jay korviday, CopsHateMoe, Boyform, Ash Hardell, Jammidodger, and so many others.
Thank you!
References:
Drucker, Z 2018, “Honoring Mother Flawless Sabrina, The Queer Icon Who Taught Me How to Live”, Them.us, March 18, viewed Nov 24, 2021, https://www.them.us/story/mother-flawless-sabrina-the-queer-icon-who-taught-me-how-to-live
Poole, R 2020, “From GI Joe to GI Jane: Christine Jorgensen’s Story”, National WW2 Museum, June 30, viewed 24 Nov 2021, https://www.nationalww2museum.org/war/articles/christine-jorgensen
Rothberg, E 2021, “Sylvia Rivera.” National Women’s History Museum, viewed Nov 24, 2021, https://www.womenshistory.org/education-resources/biographies/sylvia-rivera
ucnj.org, 2021, “About Marsha P. Johnson”, ucnj.org, viewed Nov 24, 2021,https://ucnj.org/mpj/about-marsha-p-johnson/
