The Other Side of You
Part 3 of The 100X Leader
Every day we wake up with much on our minds. We go through our routines of hygiene to dressing to fueling our bodies with food for the day. We wake up either with a family to say goodbye to and head in to our task world that is waiting for our activity. As we arrive in to this world we pass other task workers who have experienced the same morning — consumed minds. We pass people in the halls and get to our work of communicating and navigating the mind fields of details; problems and drama and all the while, we may be completely unaware of what it is like to be on the other side of us.
What if I had you followed for a day? What if there was a drone or camera footage on your every encounter for the day from the way you treated someone’s assistant to the communication at the drive through to the way you talked with your family. Would you be appalled? Would your mother if she is still alive?
The reality is that because we are so habitual and so busy we are unaware of what it is like to be on the other side of us. We are unaware of the body language we show or the tone and the tact that we use or the lack of eye contact we give and we wonder why others respond the way we do.
Years ago we held a leader interview with a senior leader of a large global company. This leader was a competent individual performer who had challenges with his leadership as everyone was afraid of him. When we met he had his arms crossed and a furrowed brow and asked how long it would take as he stated, “I am extremely busy.”
The questions were centered on his awareness of his body language, but we could tell he wasn’t getting it. The question was direct and potent — “Tim, why are you so angry?” His response as he sat with angry eyes and crossed arms was classic, “I am not angry, I have never been happier. Seriously, I am having such a great season.” We laughed about it and joked with him to see if I could take a picture to show him what he looked like on the other side of him.
This leader simply didn’t understand what most of you don’t understand. In your extreme busyness you are losing influence and keeping your leadership at lower levels because you haven’t climbed to the levels of self-awareness and emotional intelligence that is required for you to become a Sherpa yourself.
The Journey of Self-Awareness
The most important part of any leadership journey is the ongoing, never-ending process of self-awareness. For all the many books, articles, and experts who talk about it, self-awareness can be boiled down to two simple commitments.
- A commitment to understand how you’re wired, the tendencies that result from such wiring, and the impact those tendencies have on others.
- A commitment to change your negative tendencies in order to become the best person and leader you can be.
Know Yourself to Lead Yourself
One of our most potent liberation tools is called “Know Yourself to Lead Yourself.” The infinity symbol in the diagram below represents the need for constant, continuous reflection on the components of behavior and consequence that shape our reality.
If we start at the bottom of the diagram and work our way around it counter-clockwise, we discover the process of how our actions and tendencies shape our reality.
Tendencies
We all have tendencies that create patterns of actions and behavior, which generate consequences that ultimately shape our current reality. Therefore, if we want to change our reality — if our marriage is struggling or our team is underperforming — we must find the tendencies that form the patterns of action, which are generating the undesired consequences. Only by understanding the connection between these elements can we intentionally and accurately target the areas of growth and learning that will bring about the reality we desire for ourselves as well as those we love and lead.
This is a key reality — your tendencies will never change.
It is therefore vital to catalogue our tendencies as our tendencies so we can know ourselves and lead ourselves.
- What do you tend to do when you are angry?
- What is your pattern when you have not received the honor you think you deserve?
- How do you handle incompetence in others?
- What do you do under stress?
This is a start to understanding your tendencies as you become more self-aware.
Patterns
Take a moment to think about what you do under pressure. What do you do when you get frustrated? What default patterns do you tend to fall into when you’re embarrassed, or when you feel like someone is trying to control you?
Now think about the kinds of patterns those repeated reactions begin to create. The truth is, we are all wired by nature and conditioned by experience to develop a set of tendencies which, when indulged over time, develop into patterns of action. That includes other people’s actions too. When we consistently encounter a set of repeated behaviors or circumstances, we tend to subconsciously develop our own patterns of response.
A pattern might look like a slammed door with frustration or a defensive tone when confronted or a glare when spoken down to. A pattern is something you do over and over again thinking it produces results, but rarely does. People know your patterns and if you ask them they will tell you about them. Patterns can be external or an internal thought; no matter, they must be managed in order to become a leader worth following.
Actions
Each action we perform based on our patterns creates a consequence, which can be viewed as a reaction to our actions. The unintentional or accidental person, then, causes reactions all day long because they are unaware that their actions cause consistent drama with those in their life. This lack of awareness can be quite frustrating as these types of people tend to blame everyone else instead of seeing the obvious acts that caused the entire drama.
Charlie provokes people for amusement. Terry exaggerates every slight. Donna walks away when confronted. John tends to gossip about everything. These are the actions of everyday people in our everyday lives just change the names, but the actions are the same. The list of actions can go on and on, but the key is for you to think about yourself. What are your consistent actions that you could control if you became more intentional about knowing and leading yourself?
Remember, your actions come from your tendencies and patterns and they lead to consequences that shape your reality. If you want to change your reality then you must change your patterns and actions.
Consequences
Of course, those patterns of action will always come with a price tag: the consequences of our words, deeds, retorts, and responses. They shape who we are, how we think, how we interact, and the way other people learn to view and interact with us as a result.
All of those consequences ultimately conspire to create our current reality. So, the question is, if the consequences of our actions or patterns are shaping our reality, then are we being intentional about the patterns we develop? If we are unaware of the subtle tendencies that create those patterns, then we are forfeiting control of our own realities. By remaining unaware of our tendencies, and therefore being unintentional about the patterns we create, we are no longer the masters of our own destiny.
Realities
Do you like your reality?
Our realities are the results of tendencies becoming patterns with actions that produced consequences that we now get to live with. Most people complain about their realities without comprehending that they were a part of the actions that caused the reality that they don’t want.
Another way to use the Know Yourself to Lead Yourself tool is to work backwards. Pick a reality that you don’t like and review the consequences of your reality and ask yourself what were the actions that created the mess that you are in. Once you have done this, look at your patterns and observe what your tendencies are.
Using the wildfire analogy, it only takes a cigarette flung from a vehicle by a careless, preoccupied person to catch a patch of dry grass on fire, which can build in to a thousand-acre fire or more before being put out. In the same way, a pattern of an eye roll or a harsh tone or a slammed door can cause a firestorm that is unimaginable.
So far as it depends on each of us, we need to manage ourselves well so that we produce the right outcomes and shape the best realities.
The Biggest Problem in Leadership
The lack of self-awareness is the biggest leadership problem in the world. This issue causes a lack of trust that derails organizations, stymies teams and causes people to lose sleep because of the crippling stress that comes from unawareness. Most people just don’t see that they have broccoli in their teeth, but these same people love to remind others of the broccoli they see in others. This is the problem.
Without taking the time to fully identify our tendencies and evaluate negative impact in our lives and on the people around us, we can never truly gain control of our own reality. We lose the ability to change our outcomes, and instead, remain captive to our tendencies and the paths they dictate for us.
Fortunately, we have a say in all this. We can choose to become intentional about knowing our own tendencies and commit to changing them. Self-awareness is choosing to commit to diving deep into your own wiring, learning to understand the knee-jerk reactions you have been conditioned to exhibit over the years, and choosing to know yourself so that you can lead yourself in the effort to create the reality you desire.
It’s not easy, but it is doable. Use the tool to develop the skill of self-awareness and you will see the fruit of your hard work. The good news is, you don’t have to be defined by your tendencies. You have the power to shape your own reality. So, step up, lean into it, and become a master at leading yourself. Everyone else will be grateful.
Learn more at www.100xleader.com.
