Humor
Two Years Into This Vampire Apocalypse, We Have Decided To Give You All One Clove of Garlic Each
We Hope You Like It
“The Biden administration will make 400 million N95 masks available for free at thousands of locations across the country, a White House official said… Individuals will be limited to three masks per person to ensure broad access to the program.” — NBC News
Two long years after vampires began their blood-soaked rampage across this nation, victory for the living is finally in sight. But now is not the time to let your guard down. That is why we, your steadfast and benevolent Government, have decided to give you each a crucial tool for warding off the vampiric menace: one clove of garlic.
Your clove will be sourced from high-quality heirloom garlic carefully curated by the Centers for Undead Control, the same kind of garlic that we’ve always told you was only needed by vampire hunters. We lied about that, because there wasn’t enough for everyone and we didn’t want to pay those farmer’s market prices to get more.
But now that so many of you have been hunted down and bitten in the last month, it is clear that the $1.99-a-pound garlic from Publix that you’ve all been waving around is almost powerless against this new surge of Nosferatu variant vampires. And your Government must be seen doing something about this, or what are we here for?
So today we’ve used our undead emergency spending powers to launch the largest deployment of vampire protective equipment in our nation’s history. The garlic will be collected from patriotic artisanal farmers and delivered to natural food co-ops around the country, for easy and convenient pickup at the trusted locations where you go to buy your organic fruits, vegetables, and whatever type of food garlic is. Outside the stores, diagrams will be posted illustrating how to hold a piece of garlic in front of your face.
The garlic distribution will be completed by late June. The current Nosferatu surge will have been over for months, but the Nosferatu variant vampires seem to be much less competent at finding the jugular vein than the Bela Lugosi variant from last summer, so you’re likely to survive this wave. Probably with some bite marks.
We are confident that this clove of garlic will be what it takes to regain your trust after our early missteps. Everyone remembers those terrifying early days of 2020, when you couldn’t walk the streets after dark, for fear of having your blood siphoned from your body by some guy who looked like he just walked out of that goth bar in Dayton you lived upstairs from in the late 90s.
Your Government will be the first to admit that we were caught flat-footed by the vampires. To be fair though, all the movies and TV shows featuring full-scale invasions were about zombies, not vampires, so the Strategic National Undead-Control Stockpile consisted of machetes, baseball bats wrapped with barbed wire, and a few wood chippers. We had no holy water. All our wooden stakes had to be commandeered from road surveying crews. And there was such a shortage of garlic of any kind, we told you with a straight face that you could use other members of the lily family to ward off the bloodsuckers. We are truly sorry for all your loved ones who died throwing shallots, leeks or chives at vampires.
We’ve come a long way since those dark days, and we’re now well-stocked and prepared to see this vampire apocalypse through to the end. As long as you keep your clove of garlic in front of your face (study that diagram!), vampires will soon become a manageable nuisance. We’ll never eliminate them, but we can keep them contained to New Orleans, where the original Tom Cruise strain first emerged.
That is unless the Twilight variant ever becomes dominant, in which case we’re doomed. Because no garlic in the world is a match for vampires who sparkle.
