8 years of Haiyya: Today I want to talk about leadership loneliness
Please don’t worry! This article isn’t a sad, gloomy and negative picture about leadership. My intention is to put forth a picture which is rarely talked about on leadership or perhaps discussed in inner and private circles. Through this piece I wish to share a more authentic and real picture of leadership loneliness through my personal views and experiences as a CEO of Haiyya for 8 years. I am hoping this article helps in some little way illuminate the topic, find resonance with some of you as leaders and may open doors for addressing this collectively as nonprofit leaders and ecosystem.
A few weeks back I met with a series of crises situations across different fronts in the organization — human resource, financial chaos, legal mess, interpersonal and team conflicts, urgent donor negotiations to name a few areas. I was firefighting everyday — with decision-making, receiving and processing multiple information pieces, doing my meetings, making organizational action-plans and timelines, problem solving of crises and attempting to make time for my own core projects like board engagement, fundraising and even penning down this birthday article (which has been part of my work pipeline since 3 weeks). The other parallel world that I was navigating alongside my work duties was taking care of a 7 month old baby’s caregiving needs. I lost it multiple times and I broke down multiple times — and there was one feeling screaming out of my heart, ‘Why does this feel so overwhelming and disturbing? Is it time to call quits?’
This isn’t the first time I have felt this way and I know very well that I am not the only one who has felt this way. A month back I was speaking to a fellow leader from US who shared her journey of quitting from her ED role because she felt lonely and burned out. But the bigger and more relevant question for me to introspect was, ‘Am I feeling what I am feeling because I am exhausted/fatigued or because I am experiencing burnout or because I have outgrown my current work purpose?’ (they are interconnected but very distinct for me). For me the distinction was an important one to make for myself. If I am exhausted/fatigued then I know the solution lies in re-looking at my schedule and some patterns around it, planning some break, maybe short vacation, readjusting priorities etc. But if I am experiencing burnout then its a deeper issue and problem to solve than mere logistical and schedule rearrangements. And if I have outgrown my current work passion and purpose then it means radical change and steps to be taken. I ended up arriving at a conclusion that it’s burnout. Burnout is not an exclusive CEO or ED phenomena. Burnout in a professional world is a leadership phenomena. In fact, burnout and its repercussions can affect any individual with newfound and ongoing responsibility/authority and leadership role in any position.
Uncovering the deeper issue beneath this burnout and its manifestations in my world was my obvious action item. And after a few days of journaling, thinking, reading and talking to self I found out my source of burnout. And it is LEADERSHIP LONELINESS. The rest of my piece will be about sharing some questions and insights I have gathered through retrospection and introspection in the last few days of my leadership journey so far. A huge inspiration to write this piece came from my latest participation in a funder retreat which was one of its kind hosted by one of a kind philanthropic organization and team. It was on those 3 days when I truly felt centered, supported, connected and recharged to be able to acknowledge my truth and break the internal stigma around it. This write-up will be focussed on CEO/Executive Directors and Executive team’s leadership loneliness (especially young(er) leaders who take up executive roles). It’s an executive and impact challenge that is NEVER ever talked about in organisations and sector because practically we signed up to do this work, we have the highest and significant power in the organisation to make things happen and we withdraw the highest pay. But wait, there is something WRONG, isn’t it??
I am not here to frame CEOs, EDs and Leaders of nonprofits and groups as victims to feel sorry for; but it’s important to frame them as humans who have their own flaws, struggles, power and identity issues, past trauma, sufferings, unhealthy patterns and vulnerabilities to deal with. But nevertheless, they are calling the shots (good, bad, transformative or ugly is for another conversation), getting things going, managing resources and solving crises in such a crazy time of human political history of this country. And that deserves to be seen and told — like it is. Not as a complaint (maybe a mini ‘getting out of the system:)) but more of acknowledging reality.
Leadership Loneliness — What, How, Why?
If you browse the internet, a lot of research and findings tell us that leadership loneliness is real for all leaders and executives across the industry, but it’s more pervasive for small and younger start-ups, organisations and business owners. In my first hand experience, I define ‘leadership loneliness’ as a sense of isolation and disconnection at work as a result of the role and position you’re in. For me this isn’t the result of physical isolation or upholding authoritative and non-collaborative systems & practices; but a combination of a few things at work — lack of deep meaningful human connections, lack of feeling cared, thanked and rooted for, violation of my professional and organisational ethics, not having time or space to do my own core job and doing job of others on so many days, and a lot of complex problem-solving and decision-making where I am the constant with people/teams changing. To sum up, it is weight of responsibility on the shoulders where the full picture is probably not known to anyone other than myself.
As I am reflecting backwards, reading and talking more to people, I see that whatever the size or type of organization one runs, the reasons to feel lonely as an organization/group leader tend to be similar. When running an organization, every decision made demands us as a leader to finalize it before it’s implemented. Therefore, as a CEO/ED/Leader, we are constantly scrutinised and emotionally isolated, which traps one in a state of loneliness.
Why does it matter to address leadership loneliness?
It matters on so many fronts if we look at this holistically and systemically:
- On individual level, it can have dampening effect on leaders — their mental health, their response and emotions as they deal with organizational work, people and decision-making and self-isolation. It can affect motivation, commitment and desire of leaders to grow, sustain and continue justice work (which itself calls for dealing with massive magnitude of problems externally and internally to build something)
- On organizational level, if our leaders aren’t supported and taken care of, it will lead to poor, ineffective and sometimes dangerous decision-making. It will also start impacting everyone in the group and organization because CEOs/Executive leaders will not be able to create an environment where individuals and teams can do their best work for impact, learning and joy. It will also make leaders quit sooner than what they had desired for, which would make the organization firefight transitions and related crises frequently.
- On a wider civil society level, the impact will be serious over time and probably we are already seeing some. We will end up seeing a lot of great and committed people leave the sector and social justice work. We will see incredible organizations being led by ineffective and poor leadership and eventually failing to create impact in people’s lives. We will see powerful visions falling apart because it couldn’t be led and sustained. It will eventually also lead to limited role-models, stories and inspiration for new young leaders to take up and hold forts of justice and equity.
I don’t think I have brought a new phenomena to light. I am just talking about something which has been happening for a while and it continues to happen because we don’t think it’s important enough to take public and private space.
My 8 years journey of challenges and baby steps to address it
I refuse to accept that leadership loneliness is the price young(er) leaders pay for achieving or taking up the role, power, responsibility and reward. For a pretty long time, I used to think that this kind of loneliness is an unalterable condition that I need to endure. Because hey, I love what I do right? It was really hard to unpack my sense of leadership loneliness because what the hell, how can I feel lack of connection and void when my schedule is full of conversations and back to back meetings — all leading to pretty important outcomes. I have an incredible team full of amazing people, quite a great community of thoughtful and ambitious funders, partners and allies and a phenomenal Haiyya community of young organizers. But it exists and in very real ways for the past 8 years.
#1: Culture of Care, Love and Belonging
Since I started Haiyya, my goal was to build workplace where we can change the course and do things differently with care, love and belonging as strong pillars of our culture. A place that young people from different identities, aspirations and walks of life can call their own and join hands with me to build and grow it.
Challenge: It is a place of care, love and belonging (to a large extent I can say) for everybody else other than me? I have seen my past, current executives leaders and myself struggling to feel cared, supported, thanked and rooted for. While it’s the top and senior leadership’s job to take care of their team and people, who takes care of them and how often? I have often been the person where concerns and requests connected to team care, support and conflict has come to and I have to make decisions which I take immense pride in. But I have felt lonely so many times because I didn’t find anyone seeing through me. We speak about empathy at the source of culture and I have quite frequently struggled to receive empathy on a day to day level as a human being (not as a boss not as a victim). No one checks in with you to manage or support your workload.
Baby Steps: I started personalizing the decisions and steps on team care and culture based on what is emerging as my ‘self-need’ and then zooming to see if this is a need for ‘more than me’ and the future organization. So for example, we created Menstrual Care policy, Maternity and Parental Care policy, Team Fun Carnivals which stemmed from my needs but then extended to serve bigger and collective need. I am also starting to express myself more and ask for what I need from my team and my executive leaders. I access my fellow CEOs/EDs/leaders community and take time to keep building that space up for myself as part of my work schedule. A question I am sitting with to work with my team is — How can teams and organizations learn to take care of their CEOs and Executive team leaders better and learn about their core human needs from a workplace?
#2: Lot of Contacts, lesser Meaningful and Deep Connections
My calendar is generally full with average 15–20 meetings per week. It was even worse in the early years and I learned better. I derive strength and inspiration from relationships and people.
Challenge: Despite all my attempts, I haven’t been able to largely reduce my number of meetings per week. And perhaps this also comes in the package of a growing younger organization. The challenge of doing so many meetings with agenda and action items can often take away the joy of deeply connecting with people and bonding with them as human beings. How do I do my job which demands of me to meet people, work together and get things moving; and also find space for deep meaningful connections within my team? There are barriers of power/role differences, being afraid to reveal too much personal information, the expectations they may have for me as a leader, holding confidential information that can’t be shared, and the general pressure of scaling the organization into a sustainable place. Now speaking about work friendships. While work friendships are gold, for leaders, it’s incredibly challenging . The danger of mixing personal and professional is quite a subjective threat to the overall team dynamics and organizational performance. I have experienced such messes that have led to hampering work and personal relationships, performance, blurring of boundaries and accountability and leading to unhealthy & complicated team culture. I am not saying that colleagues can’t be friends. I am saying that friendships and accountability for CEOs/leaders within teams are complicated, chaotic and require mastering a few skills which gets very tiring. I am pretty good with managing this with external partners and allies because in those conversations I am meeting one individual/group in a lesser frequency, expectations and optics are different and hence the balance of work, connection and meaningfulness feels easier to navigate.
Baby steps: A few years back I started booking one to ones with people who I don’t work with directly and also with my direct reportees to build this space for myself. I also try to be more observant of people’s personal fights, struggles and wins and try offering emotional space and appreciation when I have the capacity to give and receive. It’s taken some time but I am starting to talk about other parts of my non-Haiyya aspirations and questions with my colleagues. Example, talking about my little baby :). The other thing I have done for the past 2 years or so is to build a mailing list of close and important connections and share a more personalised updates with them about myself and Haiyya’s work. The responses I have received on some of my emails have truly made me feel valued and supported. I also started giving myself a break from always have to monitor myself to lower my stress by being around people and in situations where I can just be myself.
#3: In Search for Confidants
In crisis or otherwise, the balance between keeping and projecting confidence and also being vulnerable and open as a leader gets tricky. Even when I have been most vulnerable and confused, I have strategized my conversations and put filters on what to not spill out.
Challenge: It’s plain and simple, to not have anyone inside to confide in. Because unlike few work relationships of peers, it’s quite challenging for a leader to go on and share challenges and disturbance with systems, people and work. Throughout my early career finding friends at work was easy. There were always people to go to lunch with, confide in, or have chai with by video chat. When I became a CEO, that changed. I didn’t have a confidante who I felt like I could just be myself with. I felt relatively comfortable with the rest of the executive team but mostly we focused on the business at hand; we were too busy fighting fires to really connect as humans. Among that fire was conflict, tensions and performance issues within executive teams for which I needed someone who’s not them and also not the rest of the team.
Baby steps: I have started working with a mindfulness coach for the past 1 year who provides me listening, safety, confidentiality and coaching questions to work on the complexities of my work and role. It helps me address the cognitive dissonance between what I know and what I can share. I treat my one to ones with my fellow EDs/CEOs with deep commitment and sacredness because it has allowed me to share leadership and operational challenges with folks who are in the same boat. I am also working with an incredible governance/leadership consultant who’s helping me think and build Haiyya’s governance model and she has been a great confidante.
#4: Decision-making Monkey
As a CEO I am taking decisions every hour of my work day — from little ones of when and who to meet this week, to big ones of steps to be taken to mitigate the crisis. The decision-making spectrum and stakes are immense, especially for a new and growing organization’s leader. The ‘right’ decision at the ‘right’ time is the north star we all chase as leaders, and learn from the ones we missed or poorly took. The quest for perfect decisions and beating yourself for bad decisions makes one feel pressured, makes one recede inside and loneliness takes root.
Challenge: It has almost felt like I am living and breathing Haiyya for 8 years even when I am not ‘practically’ working. With great trust and authenticity in teams, relationships and work, I am also the one making tough decisions that are not always anticipated by everyone or can make everyone happy, and can even put distance on some work friendships and personal relationships. So how can we feel less lonely when the full weight of decision-making monkey is on our back?
Baby steps: I have always built a core team of executive and senior leaders almost from the beginning of Haiyya. This has helped me to share, distribute and delegate decision-making power, roles and emotional burden that comes with it. I also recently started thinking and working on ‘what decisions are not mine to take’ even though I am involved and maybe be capable of taking them faster and sooner. I am also building my muscle on carving solitude within work hours and practice morning self-checkin and evening self-checkout ritual. Bouncing off ideas to board advisors and creating peer coaching spaces with fellow leaders of other organizations have also helped me feel less lonely for tough shots.
#5: A human not the organization
Lastly, when you are an early stage small team of 3–5 people, the world of complexities and dynamics are different and somehow more manageable. But once the organization/group starts growing and you choose the route of a formal structure and shape, all of the above optics and many more come into play. It’s now a tough and unknown road to a sustainable organisational impact, team building, culture, leadership development and learning — learning to choose, learning to be and learning to keep moving by being loyal to your truth and well-being as a leader.
Challenge: People in any workplace have expectations, needs and grievances from its organization. As CEOs/EDs/Leaders we become recipient and addresser of them because of the role we carry. And soon without knowing how, the CEO and the organization becomes interchangeable identities for your team. I struggle everyday to remind myself and my executive team that I am a human in the role of a CEO with great responsibility with my own strengths, flaws and blindspots, not the organization. Organization is formed of its people, visions, structure, rituals, relationships and dynamics which is way beyond and above me. And my role is to ensure everybody contribute their best in building an organization where I combine and weave pieces together. It feels sad for not being acknowledged, given due credits and rooted for the emotional, mental and physical pull I make to build something, to shift course or to just make a simple thing happen. It’s almost like the CEO needs no credits because they are doing their duty or maybe they don’t need it from us in the team. It limits my motivation and ability to grow, add value as a professional and work feels thankless at times. But I do need to be seen as a human to be able to give and contribute fully.
Baby steps: More reminders to self – I am a human in the role and not the organization. Stating this fact again and again to self, executive leaders and the team. And having my mindfulness coach, friends and family who can keep repeating this for me.
Note: Here is the piece I wrote last year on Haiyya’s 7th birthday — Building Youth Feminist Power with(in) Haiyya: My Dilemmas, Unknowns, Mistakes & Takeaways in 7 years
