I’ve got you…
You just need to let go
This week’s spiritual blog article hits close to home because I just processed it this week with my therapist, so I am still a little raw. The Lord is doing amazing things in my healing journey, and this week was no exception.
Overfunctioning…again
Unfortunately, overfunctioning is not an uncommon occurrence for me. I’ve written about it before (Overfunctioning: A Case Study), but it seems to be circular in nature.
As I caught my therapist up on my week, I mentioned that I was overfunctioning…again. For me, overfunctioning is the inability to sit still and also taking on too many things at one time. My therapist noted that I had a wonderfully quiet week with so much peace and contentment just two weeks prior. She suggested that it seemed like the quiet was triggering to me, and my reply was…hmmm. As I sat with her statement for a minute and checked in with my internal system, I realized she was right, but I didn’t know why. It was a mystery to me, but we were focused on other things, so this got dropped…or so I thought.
Brainspotting Connections
We have been using a modified brainspotting modality to work through some deeper-level issues by pairing it with slow bilateral EMDR to soothe my system. For review, you start by focusing on the sensations in your body related to a specific topic and identify the spot in your visual field (tied to your brain) that intensifies the sensation. You focus on that spot while letting your brain do all the work. I know it sounds kind of woo-woo, but it works and is extremely powerful.
I had this painful tightening in my chest and a clenching of my jaw that I believed was related to a scenario where I was humiliated by someone in a place of power. I mistakenly thought it bordered on rage, but it turned out to be intense fear. I felt like I was fighting for my life…fighting to breathe.
My therapist asked if there were other situations when I experienced that situation. In less than a nano-second, many dots were connected simultaneously. I realized this was related to the near-drowning incident I had when I was four.
As soon as I made that connection, another connection immediately became clear related to how quiet it was under the water when I was drowning and struggling to breathe. I realized that the silence was triggering to me because it reminded my body of this incident when I was fighting for my life.
I continued to stay with the sensation but observed that I could not fully exhale. My body would not allow me to go past a certain exhale point because it was holding onto that last bit of oxygen. It’s been doing that since the incident, and it has been a challenge for me to get proper breath support while singing or doing anything athletic.
My therapist encouraged me to let it go, but my body continued to fight to survive until I heard the still, small voice of the Spirit say, “I’ve got you…you can let go now,”…and my body obeyed. My body had a full exhale for the first time in fifty-one years. I tested it out several times to ensure it was not a fluke…it wasn’t. I tested it out this morning, and even as I write this, I can still fully exhale.
I have processed this one trauma multiple times, but I didn’t realize how impactful it has been on my life. Another profound realization I had was that all the experiences related to that same sensation in my chest were connected and triggering that near-drowning incident. When I had to get off my bike and walk up a hill during the triathlon, this was the sensation I had during that incident. When I couldn’t get a full breath while swimming or running, this was triggered. When I experienced anxiety, this was triggered. When I felt the weight of an adult male on my body repeatedly as a kid, this was the extreme fear I felt…the sensation of fighting for my life.
Learning to Let Go
This was a super powerful processing session for me yesterday, but my body could not “let go” of the exhale until the Spirit told me to let go. In my previous brainspotting on this incident, the Lord showed me that He was always with me and that all I had to do was call out to Him.
Yesterday, He continued the lesson by encouraging me to trust Him more by letting go and trusting that He has me. I am so grateful for a God who is very patient with us and knows how much we can handle.
This whole situation reminds me of a song in my “Encouragement” playlist. If you don’t have an encouragement playlist, I invite you to create one. The song is “Just Be Held” by Casting Crowns. I will leave you with the lyrics for meditation purposes.
Just Be Held by Casting Crowns
Hold it all together
Everybody needs you strong
But life hits you out of nowhere
And barely leaves you holding on
And when you’re tired of fighting
Chained by your control
There’s freedom in surrender
Lay it down and let it go
So when you’re on your knees, and answers seem so far away
You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world’s not falling apart; it’s falling into place
I’m on the throne; stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held
If your eyes are on the storm
You’ll wonder if I love you still
But if your eyes are on the cross
You’ll know I always have and I always will
And not a tear is wasted
In time, you’ll understand
I’m painting beauty with the ashes
Your life is in My hands
So when you’re on your knees, and answers seem so far away
You’re not alone, stop holding on and just be held
Your world’s not falling apart; it’s falling into place
I’m on the throne; stop holding on and just be held
Just be held, just be held
Lift your hands, lift your eyes
In the storm is where you’ll find Me
And where you are, I’ll hold your heart
I’ll hold your heart
Come to Me, find your rest
In the arms of the God who won’t let go
As always, you don’t have to walk this healing journey alone. If you want to work with me, you can schedule your complimentary discovery session by clicking here.
Please sign-up for my mailing list for the latest content, tools, and course offerings.
