How One Event Deepened My Existing Anxiety and Depression
How I’m Thriving Through Trauma: Navigating Life with PTSD Post-Cardiac Arrest at 41
Battling back from wishing I didn’t survive.
In 2020, at the age of 41, I experienced a life-altering event that would set the stage for an intensely personal journey of mental and physical recovery. I suffered a cardiac arrest that left me in a coma and hospitalized for nearly two weeks.
Remarkably, I have no memory of the cardiac event itself, including approximately five days after, yet I was later diagnosed with PTSD.
When I questioned how this was possible, one doctor said, “You may not remember what happened, but your brain does.”
PTSD (Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder), simply defined, is an anxiety disorder that develops from experiencing a traumatic event.
Although I don’t recall the event, enough detail was provided to me over the years, and I’ve been able to imagine a vivid scene of how and what events took place back in February 2020.
I’ve had many scary dreams involving being in a hospital and fighting for my life, again something I find strange because I have no memory of events before, during, and even many hours after waking from the coma.
I’ve experienced dozens of symptoms as a result of what happened, many of which I was used to from my existing struggles with clinical depression and anxiety.
However, the cardiac event would ultimately amplify these sensations, obsessive thoughts, and a host of other scary feelings to elevate my fear and sadness to whole new levels.
The image that stuck with me up until a couple of years ago and caused some anxiety-driven reactions was seeing the spot on the front lawn where my wife Monica said I collapsed, as shown below.
Before the paramedics arrived that fateful midnight, Monica expended all her strength performing CPR on me. I can only imagine what that experience was like for her.
In the aftermath of that night, Monica was profoundly impacted by the trauma. For a time, even the distant sound of sirens, especially from ambulances, evoked a degree of emotional response in her.
To understand PTSD symptoms more, they are generally categorized into these main groups:
Intrusive Memories:
- Recurrent, unwanted, distressing memories of the traumatic event
- Reliving the traumatic event as if it were happening again (flashbacks)
- Upsetting dreams or nightmares about the traumatic event
- Severe emotional distress or physical reactions to something that reminds you of the traumatic event
Avoidance:
- Trying to avoid thinking or talking about the traumatic event
- Avoiding places, activities, or people that remind you of the traumatic event
Negative Changes in Thinking and Mood:
- Negative thoughts about yourself, other people, or the world
- Hopelessness about the future
- Memory problems, including not remembering important aspects of the traumatic event
- Difficulty maintaining close relationships
- Feeling detached from family and friends
- Lack of interest in activities you once enjoyed
- Difficulty experiencing positive emotions
- Feeling emotionally numb
Changes in Physical and Emotional Reactions (Arousal Symptoms):
- Being easily startled or frightened
- Always being on guard for danger
- Self-destructive behavior, such as drinking too much or driving too fast
- Trouble sleeping
- Trouble concentrating
- Irritability, angry outbursts, or aggressive behavior
- Overwhelming guilt or shame
PTSD, often associated with war veterans and emergency service workers, can also afflict those who have faced near-death experiences. My case is a testament to this.
As previously mentioned, before my cardiac arrest, I had been battling clinical depression and anxiety disorders for over a decade. This medical emergency only complicated my already fragile mental state.
Initially, I felt an overwhelming sense of gratitude to be alive. However, about a year after the cardiac event, I found myself plunging into the deepest depths of depression.
The low point was so profound that I had told a few people very close to me that I wished I hadn’t survived the cardiac arrest. This dark period marked one of the most challenging phases of my life.
My fear and anxiety levels were increasing as well, which was likely confusing to others around me at those times because I appeared to be doing well.
I remember one summer day in particular. It was sunny and beautiful outside, and my wife and I were in the backyard. While she was trying to enjoy some time by the pool, I felt like I was just trying to survive.
I felt on edge most of the day (which was usual then); however, a sudden wave of intense fear came into my mind for no apparent reason. I had no chest pain or other concerning symptoms.
Embarrassed to say anything, I told my wife I felt panic coming on. From her perspective, it was a harmless and relaxing moment on the back patio, so she asked why I was nervous.
I usually responded by saying I wasn’t sure and couldn’t understand it or explain it myself. Despite my rational brain telling me I was safe, I just felt a sense of danger building in my mind.
That was around two years ago, and the road to recovery has been anything but easy. It has required the support of multiple doctors and mental health experts.
A large piece of the puzzle has been working on recognizing and changing my negative thought patterns. This shift in mindset has improved my mental well-being and positively impacted my relationships and overall outlook on life.
Ironically (and fittingly with this article), I’ve been writing for some time now and using various forms. Simply putting my thoughts down has proven to be incredibly therapeutic, especially when recounting past traumatic events.
Lower-dose medication has played a role in stabilizing my condition, but holistic approaches have been extremely crucial, especially a change in my nutrition habits and sleep hygiene.
Meditation, exercise, playing hockey and tennis, healthier eating habits, and activities like fishing have also become integral parts of my daily routine. Fishing, in particular, has offered me a way to live in the present moment and practice mindfulness. You can read more about that here.
These practices have significantly improved my mental and physical health over the past year and a half, but improvements are always needed.
Life remains full of challenges, but with the unwavering support of my family, especially my wife Monica, friends, medical support staff, and many others, I continue to persevere.
Each day is a step forward in my journey of resilience and recovery, proving that even in the face of profound challenges, there is hope for healing and growth.
I am fortunate to say I’m not in the deep, dark place I once was when I wished I had not survived the cardiac event.
I am happy and grateful to be given a second chance at life, and I owe my wife, Monica, the three men below, and many other people a huge “THANK YOU!” for being a big part of why I’m here today!
Until next time.
I encourage you to click here to check out my detailed story regarding the cardiac arrest.
