A Guiding Principle for Relationship Equality
How to strike the balance between fully-committed love and looking after yourself.
Is it just me, or are modern relationships broken?
Maybe it’s the pandemic, maybe I just live in the midst of a relationship rough-patch — but when I look around at relationships, they don’t seem that great. It got me wondering, why do we even want to be in a relationship? It’s something we seem to crave yet never articulate what we’re hoping to get from it.
Once upon a time, it was a biological drive to maintain the species coupled with the cultural standards to support that: family bonds are the best way to provide for children. But in our current world of contraception, sexual liberation, and hyper-independence, why do so many still pair up (or want to)? Apart from the age-old reasons of co-parenting — and discounting all the stuff that you could just as easily do with a friend — I think there are three main reasons:
- We have a biological desire to procreate which leads to lust and attraction, and then the ‘love hormones’ take over to form a bond. We’re only thinking about the moment, not any long-term goal.
- Culture teaches us that life fulfilment means having a partner, and you’re missing out on something if you’re single.
- We’re scared of being alone. Everyone has issues they’re carrying around, and it’s hard to face the world alone — having someone to rely on makes it less scary.
Honestly, none of these sound like especially good reasons to be in a relationship.
The rules of relationships have become redundant faster than we’ve been able to create new ones. We still have a human need for love — but we’re able to have sex without commitment, and we prize independence and selfishness. As our attitudes have become more me-focussed and commodified, dating has less to offer.
Nancy Jo Sales says: “For example, [dating] apps promote sexualization and objectification; they are all about the male gaze. They promote the idea that women are to be judged on our appearance in just a split second, and rated accordingly, yes or no, fuckable or not.
Meanwhile our expectations for relationships have probably never been higher. As our communities and extended families have eroded, we now want our partners to provide all the things we’ve lost. The connection, support, understanding, and excitement that used to come from many is now expected to come from one. And while raising children with your intimate partner certainly has its practicalities, with less support from communities and families, even that may not be the best way to do it anymore.
In another article I’ve explored how, in essence, the point of life is simply to experience it as fully as we can, and maximise the things that brings us joy. So, if we assume that sharing our life with someone could bring a depth of experience — including love and companionship — how do we make that happen in our modern world?
For me, there are two truths to consider:
1. You have to be prepared to love someone fully.
You can’t love someone and still keep your options open. You can’t commit to a relationship while also being poised to leave if it gets too hard. Relationships require love and commitment to really experience what it has to offer — it’s what creates trust and connection and allows deep feelings to develop. You must sign up for the maximum dose.
2. Literally no-one is worthy of that love.
At the same time, everyone has failings. Unfortunately it’s just part of being human. Anyone you love will have their own needs and issues, and — even with the best intentions — they will let you down at some point. Loving someone means forgiving them, but there’s also a line where unconditional love becomes harmful.
Leslie Morgan Steiner explains why she stayed for years in an abusive relationship with Conor. ‘Even though he held those loaded guns to my head, pushed me down the stairs, threatened to kill our dog, pulled the key out of the car ignition as I drove down the highway, poured coffee grinds on my head as I dressed for a job interview, I never once thought of myself as a battered wife. Instead, I was a very strong woman in love with a deeply troubled man, and I was the only person on earth who could help Conor face his demons.’ — See What You Made Me Do, Jess Hill
How do you get the balance right?
I know. This is quite the contradiction. How can you love someone unconditionally while also acknowledging that they may not give you the same love in return? How do you fully commit to someone while also protecting yourself from harm if they turn into an a-hole?
The solution is a guiding principle that seems so obvious it’s almost embarrassing: you should care for your partner, and care for yourself, equally. So however much emotional energy you put into loving your partner, put the same amount into loving yourself. Meet their needs, but also meet your own. Have friends, family, activities and hobbies outside of the relationship if you need them. Creating space for yourself is not letting them down, it’s being equally caring.
The solution is a guiding principle that seems so obvious it’s almost embarrassing: you should care for your partner, and care for yourself, equally.
Not only does this principle never accept victimisation, it provides an ethical compass for situations outside of our control. For example, if one person develops a medical issue that requires high levels of care from the other — as long as the carer is investing equal effort in their own wellbeing, the relationship remains balanced.
Women especially have a hard time prioritising ourselves in relationships. We’re expected to be the ‘givers’ in society. The ones who work low-pay jobs to care for children, and the elderly, and the sick. We’re expected to fulfil the needs of our husbands and children, even to the detriment of our own needs and happiness. It’s something that great swathes of women are feeling and calling out — describing the sense of loss and loneliness and frustration that comes from always putting others’ needs above our own.
We go into relationships thinking love heals all wounds. That we can turn the beast back into the prince if only we love enough. We shouldn’t give up on loving others — that’s not a world I want to live in — but the truth is that everyone is responsible for themselves alone. You are the only person who will be with you for life.
If you’ve enjoyed reading this, check out more of my (free) Medium articles here: A little bit about me and my writing.
