Debunking 4 Myths: How Do You Know if You Have Met The One?
No, it’s not based on your gut feelings alone.
First, how do you define “The One”?
Most of us would agree that this refers to someone who(m):
- Has a similar vision, beliefs and outlook in life
- You can envision building a life together with
- You are physically and emotionally attracted to
- You can be yourself with
- Meets all your expectations
- Simply feels right when you are together
- Feels the same way towards you in all of the above
Sounds perfect, doesn’t it?
I hate to burst your bubble, but you will find that your partner probably only meets all these criteria at certain times, but not all the time throughout your entire lifetime, and the same goes for them as well.
Why?
My pre-marital counsellor used to tell us this — when two people come together to be a couple, they are two imperfect people bringing with them their imperfections and mistakes. So we can’t expect that things would just fall into place. In fact, things are more chaotic as a couple as compared to when you were single!
So we actually need to redefine our definitions of what it means to meet “The One”. Here are 4 common myths and misconceptions:
Myth #1: Your gut feelings tell you that he/she is “The One”
If you ask around how people know they have found “The One”, they might not even be able to explain.
These are some common answers I’ve heard:
“You’ll just know.”
“It will just feel right.”
“Your gut feelings will tell you so.”
Now I’m not dismissing gut feelings, research has shown that our intuition can be trustworthy when making quick decisions. Author Malcolm Gladwell calls it “thin slicing”, which “refers to the ability of our unconscious to find patterns in situations and behaviour based on very narrow slices of experience”.
However, deciding whether someone can be your lifelong partner is not something you need to do quickly in this day and age — in most societies, how often does one have to make a decision to get married just after one date?
So since we are not talking about making quick decisions, for which intuition can be effective, it can be rather unreliable to depend on our feelings (that can change over time) to decide if someone is “The One” for you. They can feel right one day and feel different the next day.
Finding “The One” is not something that happens like magic; you need to put in effort to improve your compatibility with each other and become each other’s “The One”.
Truth #1: You know you have met “The One” when you both complement each other despite your differences, and you are both willing to give and sacrifice for each other. Most importantly, both of you believe that relationships require constant care and effort and you are both willing to put in that effort.
This is based on a combination of experience and gut feelings.
Myth #2: You are head over heals in love with each other
We are often first attracted to our partners physically, but we need to recognise that physical attraction does not last if we don’t put in effort to regularly reignite that spark in the relationship.
Same goes if you are attracted to someone because of their intellect and charm.
Many of us feel that when the romance fizzles out and we no longer have feelings for each other, it signals the end of the relationship. That’s not true.
Let me put this across bluntly — every romance will fizzle out and most of the time, there will be a point in your relationship when you feel like you no longer have feelings for each other. Does this mean that every single time this happens, you end your relationship and move on to the next partner that comes along?
This will result in a never-ending chase for romance and you will find that you are never satisfied in any relationship. You might eventually end up jaded and disillusioned about relationships and wonder why nothing ever lasts.
There’s no point in chasing after that spark in one relationship after another; it’s like chasing after wealth — it would never be enough.
Here’s the tough reality: You need to consistently put in effort to reignite that romantic spark. That’s how you can make that attraction last in your relationship. It’s a lot of work but trust me, it’s also immensely fulfilling when you and your partner want (and do your best) to make things work, and enjoy every step of your journey together.
Research psychologist Luis Rubén de Borbón wrote, “Everyone who is unhappy [in their relationship] naturally blames it on the facade of compatibility. They fail to realise and comprehend that a successful relationship does not hinge its posterity on how alike you are, instead it hangs on by the sheer will power and want to stay in a relationship.”
So even when you don’t feel like it, make the choice to love your partner every day.
Truth #2: You choose to love even when you are NOT head over heels with each other anymore.
Myth #3: You can be yourself with your partner
Most of the time, when we feel that we’ve found the right partner, one defining trait of the relationship is that we feel so comfortable with each other that we can be ourselves around them.
We are comfortable with showing our vulnerable sides and sharing our honest feelings with each other.
But how do you actually define “being comfortable with each other”?
Problems start to surface when we start to cross the line between being comfortable and sharing our feelings without any restraint, even if it means venting our frustrations on our partner and hurting them as a result.
When I was younger, I used to feel that I had the right to express myself in front of my husband honestly, but I didn’t realise that at times I was hurting him when I vented my frustrations.
I’ve since learnt that we can express our frustrations honestly but in a way that’s kinder — by not directing our feelings towards the other party.
For example, instead of saying, “It’s really annoying when you do this!”, try changing your expression to, “I feel frustrated when this happens. Could we do it this way instead next time?”
Being ourselves is no excuse for taking our partner and their feelings for granted.
Truth #3: You can be yourself but most importantly, both of you are kind to each other. You consider your partner’s feelings and are willing to place them above your own.
Myth #4: Your partner meets all your expectations
Your fairytale has come true — your partner meets ticks all the boxes and meets all your expectations.
Not that I’m skeptical of this (it can happen and you are very blessed if this is so!), but we must not forget that people change over time, and our expectations would change too.
And have you met all your partner’s expectations too?
If we look deeper, this statement on meeting expectations is problematic on its own, because true relationships are not built on what we can receive but what we can give.
Truth #4: You choose to focus on what you can offer to each other instead of what you can receive. It’s not about finding “The One”, but about becoming “The One” for each other.
Compatibility is a choice
The media we consume has created many misconceptions about finding our soulmates, or the perfect partner for us.
Here’s what I strongly believe in — there can be many people who come into our lives who have the potential to be “The One” for us, instead of a single person who is ‘meant to be’.
In my own faith as a Christian, I believe that as God brings different people into our lives, there are many paths in front of us — all of which might play out differently, while some might bring us on detours.
But ultimately, most of the time, it’s our choices every step of the way (and in my faith, making these choices comes together with seeking wisdom in prayers) that would determine whether we stay with someone in a relationship.
Compatibility is not by chance; it’s a choice we make every single day.
If you enjoy what you’re reading, follow me on Instagram for more bite-sized relationship content!
