Five Basic Ways to Measure How You CRUSHED Life Post-Breakup

You’re doing better than you think, babe.

Breakups suck. Is there a simple, more obvious way to state the obvious? Probably not. Having been through two breakups this year — one of my doing, one of their doing, both of which were overdue in the undoing — I consider myself a veritable expert on the topic. Well, an expert on the subtle things that can get out of control when your mind, heart, and spirit are going through their recovery processes and your body is riding along with them. Because, as we all know, no matter how it ends and who ends it, and even if it needs to end, we still need to grieve — or we repeat patterns (especially avoidants).

While we do our emotional healing, five areas of our lives can get downright ugly as we get our heads and hearts back in order. Everyone deserves more credit for prettying them back up, as they often signify an overall strengthening of will, even if they seem miniscule.

So, my beauties, if you’re on the outskirts of a breakup and have any of the following five things in order, you’re doing better than you think, babe.

You cleaned the house. When cycling through the fuzziness of post-relationship emotions, primarily if you authentically did invest in people, it’s very easy to stop regular day-to-day habits. Vacuuming. Getting laundry into the hamper. Scooping the litter box. Scrubbing the toilets (extra points if you scrub the entire bottom of the toilet; you’re ON FIRE, sweetie). It’s not that we go into living in hoarder-style veritable filth when we get sideswiped by the end of love (or, in my cases, really strong like), but those are the little things that pile up. Even I, as both a self-proclaimed and clinically diagnosed obsessive-compulsive, let the nitpicky things like cleaning the trash can before I put new trash bags in add up into sticky little dirty piles. Not anymore. Boom, crushing it.

You got the mail. Let’s face it: most everything except those fun surprise IRS bills and updated health insurance cards come digitally now, and the urgency to check correspondence isn’t there. But, you still kind of have to do it because it’s part of adulting. You never know what is in there, or maybe you drunk or deliriously ordered something in your heartbreak sad that is just waiting to bring you joy. Even in cases where you pass by the mailbox every single day, the idea of sorting through what needs attention vs. recycling vs. shredding can be daunting when you have that self-esteem-sucking vampire inside of you. So, my darlings, if you’re post-breakup and you’ve been getting the mail, this author encourages you to let out a celebratory yawp the next time you do it. And, if you haven’t yet, I’m silently cheering for you when you do.

You resumed your whole hygiene routine. Eww, gross, Jen, what are you talking about? You know exactly what I am talking about. Perhaps you go that extra day without showering because you won’t see anyone anyway and simply scrub on extra deodorant instead. Or, if applicable, you stop shaving your legs or your face because, in some way, you’re thinking, “What is the point?” Or you stopped getting that wax. Or, for me, I phoned in my skincare routine and did the basics to not look like a shriveled raisin vs. giving my sad, dehydrated skin the nutrients it needed (Author’s Note: she might’ve stopped all the other things, too, for a bit). So, if you’re showering, scrubbing, shaving, waxing, exfoliating, gimme a big HELL YEAH right now. Come on, let me hear it.

You’ve stopped talking about it all the time. The critical point here is “all the time.” You’re not a sociopath. Sometimes, you get flashes and wonder, “What the heck?!” (again, perhaps unless you’re an unhealed avoidant) and cry to your friends… or your cats (me). It’s because you’re human, and you probably want to learn how you can be a better person —and to examine the pain, you have to sit in the pain. But, you’re no longer blowing up your friends’ (or therapist’s) phones, and it just comes out as a passing thought, like “Ugh, that royally sucked,” or, “Man, the coldness of this still hurts, but I am glad it’s over” (the latter was me yesterday). The obsession has lifted off of the other person and you’re focusing on your healing, and that’s a gosh darn tootin’ good thing. Toot, mother fucking, toot.

You’ve moved on — thoughtfully. You’re starting to dabble in dating again. You’re forming little crushes. You’re doing “friends’ night outs” where you’re checking out talent (literally, the best part of being single). You might be on the apps (never again, for me, but you do you). You’re remembering how fucking worthy you are — maybe even more worthy without them holding you down with their mismatched energy. But you’re cautious because you don’t want to do to someone else what was done to you and let them get too attached until you’re ready for such because your fresh pain won’t let you (unless, perhaps, you’re an avoidant*). Get cute, go out, smile, flirt, do that awkward gaze thing, and enjoy being in your gloriously beautiful body. Your heart will come along.

Some of the above may appear tongue-in-cheek, but it’s true from this gal’s personal experience: the adage that our outsides and our homes match where our minds are is a thing. If your breakup was recent, or there are still attached cords, and you’re struggling, and you still managed to keep or restart doing one or two of the above, give yourself the win. If your breakups were a bit ago and very clean and no-contact, you’re probably doing all of these things by now (I am; they are gone, yay me) because you’re so over it on every level. Now, over it doesn’t mean some things still don’t hurt, and you’re not processing and GROWING, but you’ve taken the wheel from the reckless driver that had your heart in the trunk, and your heart is now sitting alongside you — perhaps happily sipping a milkshake.

Again, you’re doing better than you think, babe. And, if you read the above and facepalmed because you’re not there yet, I promise you will be soon. People can break up with us, but no one can break us but ourselves.

*If you’re a recovering avoidant who is like, “Yo, girl, I am working on myself! I am trying to stop cycling through people to fill my pain!” you have my sincerest apologies and all of my support. You’re doing great, too.