The Breakup Diaries (3): Triggers
From the beep of the phone to that swiveling chair, I was triggered.
I will never use an Iphone ever again.
Ding Ding Ding
Every time. She is calling him.
Ding Ding Ding
Unrelenting. She must be heard. He must give her his full attention.
I want the sounds to cease. I want him to stop. I want him to see me. Across from me in the room, we pretended we were busy- me with the book I had buried my face in. Him with the ‘business partners’ that only dinged at night for a business that had no partners.
We knew. We both knew. He had gotten so used to deceit that at this point, I think he just got off on torturing me- knowing I could hear the endless dings. That I was distressed by them. In retrospect, I think it was what it was about- my torture.
Very few times, our timings were off and our eyes caught each other’s- me over the book and his, up from the phone. Split seconds. We quickly continued our charade.
And that damn chair of his- swiveling, swiveling, swiveling- as his hands tapped endlessly over that damned iphone.
Sometimes, I caught a smug or a smile that he would quickly try to hide.
When he wasn’t with her, she kept him occupied:
“Play against me on scrabble”
I had caught the text.
He must have mentioned it. It was our thing. But now, he called our thing: ‘boring’.
Boring?
But his last seen on the game was almost daily.
Then, she asked him to play subway.
Of course, that was more her speed- which self-respecting woman knowingly cheated with a man that treated her like he did? I didn’t think she was an intellectual.
Today, I am free from my abuser but I still struggle with the Ding of an iphone. It isn’t logical- I know. I use an android phone all the same.
Ding Ding Ding
Someone gifted me a new iphone. I regifted it. I…I just…couldn’t.
I hate that sound. I hate even more when I see someone swiveling on a chair and taping on an iphone.
I still hate subway.
I think they also ruined scrabble for me.
None of this is logical. I know. I get it. Please don’t think I don’t know. I am triggered all the same.
Thank you for reading. Dealing with illogical triggers?
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