The Greatest Love Song is the One that Teaches us About Marriage
And apparently it hasn’t been written yet.
Maybe different people have different definitions of what constitutes the ideal love song. Of course, the great majority of them focus on the feelings of “being in love” rather than love as an exercise in contributing to another person’s growth and wellbeing.
In other words, what the public wants is songs about infatuation, exhilaration, being drunk on love, swept off your feet.
Sure, that IS something worth celebrating. But at the same time there’s no shortage of online articles criticizing the “Disney” concept of romantic love as a misguided fantasy. It glosses over the fact that we all have flaws, and while we may feel that our team of two is invincible on a road-trip or hosting dinner parties, that feeling does absolutely nothing to prepare us for the difficulties (and differences) that arise when running a family or a home.
And then there are all the songs telling us that being in love is for fools, or turns you into a fool.
Still, a lot of love songs do hint at the ultimate goal of wedding rings and commitment. Fair enough, at least we’re not celebrating perpetual womanisers.
So there’s a general understanding that being in love and being married are different things, and that marriage is the loftier goal — the ultimate goal even. Unfortunately, in real life, anyone who thinks they can rest on their laurels after their wedding day is in for a rough ride.
I think it’s a safe bet that every couple that has ended up divorced felt absolutely in love when they got married. And probably the majority of those couples also considered themselves to be soulmates at that stage in their relationship. What’s the betting that they had an “Our Song”, which in most cases would be classed as a love song, and they were sure that their Everlasting Love would get them through the pitfalls of marriage? Unfortunately, the high divorce rate shows that such confidence can easily crumble.
I used to think When I’m Sixty Four was the all-time, greatest love song. It does go beyond the wedding day, taking the couple all the way to having grandchildren. And it hints that marriage is no bed of roses: There will be “scrimping and saving”.
Ok, “Will you still feed me?” probably rankles the women who’ve written the many ‘man-child’ articles that are all the rage these days. But Sir Paul counters it with “Will you still need me?” — in other words, “Is there anything I can do for you? (my purpose in this relationship is to satisfy your needs).”
He was onto something. The Biblical concept of marriage in Genesis gives the man the responsibility of being the leader, and although it describes the woman as his ‘helper’ the man also has to put her needs first and consider her opinion. He is supposed to lead by serving her.
Considering Paul wrote the song when he was only 14 he was way ahead of the Agony Aunts of the 70s and 80s (and today even) whose go-to advice has always been ‘Communication is Key’:
“Send me a postcard, drop me a line, stating point of view - Indicate precisely what you mean to say..”
So does that mean Sixty Four is a good blueprint for marriage?
Well, there are plenty of other ‘we’ll be together forever’ songs in the catalogue of love songs, mostly written from the viewpoint of the Disney stage of the relationship — it’s the singer/writer’s fantasy of how great it will be if the couple is still together in old age and that their choice of partner has been proven correct. Clearly, they will have done something right. But these songs say little if anything about what that something is. They merely boil down to good intentions.
McCartney was a little more realistic in his depiction, and this one song pretty much single-handedly instilled in 10-year-old me the importance of commitment and patience in marriage. But I do think it only goes halfway. It doesn’t tell us what the couple needs to do to keep the spark alive, or how the man can match the emotional labour put in by the woman.
One thing implicit in the man-child articles is that a man can qualify as divorce material well before going to the extreme of having affairs, abandoning the family every week to play golf, lazing in front of the TV/game console, being an alcoholic, being a low earner or being violent.
All we have to do is take our wives for granted and give up on the romantic gestures or words that, hopefully, were common early in the relationship.
Even if the man doesn’t engage in the typical man-child distractions, or the “I’ll only do it wrong” excuse for not doing his share, things can still go amiss.
He may indeed be willing to do the tasks that the wife finds important, but he mistakenly prioritises some other task — like fixing the car — which he believes she will appreciate. Now she has to explain why her preferred task is more important, and we’re in the land of “you shouldn’t have to ask (what needs doing)” — AKA nagging. And that’s when he loses the inclination to shower her with romantic gestures.
In their song Woman’s World, Squeeze showed us how this is the point where things go wrong. Like a lot of Squeeze songs it’s a clever mix of observation and word play. My take is that the title refers to the popular magazine of the same name, which promotes the idea of wives doing wifely things like cooking and home-making.
Tilbrook and Difford correctly note that a wife probably wants more out of life than that, and is likely to snap at some point if that’s all the marriage is.
But once again, the songwriters don’t directly tell us how to avoid this situation. All they say is that she’s been neglected.
“He’s been so busy and she’s been neglected - The problem is computed and always it’s rejected”
Worse still, hubby actually realizes (‘computes’) that there is a problem, but concludes that her emotional needs are a low priority compared to all the other problems of running the home. He probably thinks he is addressing her needs by providing a roof over her head and paying the bills.
Even putting in the hours by accompanying her shopping, visiting the in-laws, going to her church, being a good listener, doing the chores etc. will not compensate for a husband’s failure to invest in those romantic gestures, share in the decision-making and take the initiative in arranging quality time together.
Another problem is that each woman’s needs and preferences are different — so I was told by a couple therapist recently. This struck a chord, since for every quality that I lack (in my wife’s opinion), I can show you a man who does have those qualities, yet still ended up divorced.
And although many women feel crushed by the weight of being the decision-maker in the home, there are some who prefer it that way. I know at least one, a self-confessed control freak.
One song that maybe gives us guys a clue as to how to show her she’s appreciated is Morning Train (9 to 5), by Sheena Easton:
“When he steps off that train, I’m makin’ a fool, a fight - Work all day to earn his pay, so we can play all night”
Yes, the ideal husband will make the effort to be romantic after a hard day’s work. No ridiculous claims about their love being River deep, Mountain high, just practical advice to keep up the wining and dining when the rest of your time together is routine. And it’s written by a woman (Florrie Palmer), so maybe we should take notice.
Of course, there’s no mention of kids in this song, nor how much our hero earns with the 9 to 5 job that pays for this lavish lifestyle. And in many parts of the world, both man and wife will be working a 10-hour day, plus a minimum 1-hour commute back from work. Are they really going to have energy for a night on the town after that? It seems even this well-meaning song is also rooted in a world of fantasy.
SWEET NOTHINGS ARE NOT ‘NOTHING’
Having dismissed the standard love songs as unrealistic illusions, I should also dismiss their words as sweet nothings. But compliments and reassurances are famously touted as one of the Five Love Languages; arguably the love language that men have most difficulty mastering (guilty!).
In fact, the more I think about it, ‘sweet nothings’ make up perhaps the largest category of love songs. They state that the loved one can’t be matched, you make me feel brand new, life is meaningless without her, etc.
Well, most of us aren’t Brad Pitt, and our wives aren’t Angelina Jolie — we didn’t marry a goddess, we married an ordinary person to whom we were willing to commit, despite her flaws. From that perspective, doling out the sugary compliments we hear in love songs even feels like lying. Not the best strategy, perhaps. Or is it a case of “it’s the thought that counts”?
The trouble is, these songwriters never imagined the internal narrative that emerges in a husband:
- I only have eyes for you .. Sure, as soon as I’ve completed this level honey.
- Wild horses couldn’t drag me away .. But don’t expect me to plan this month’s grocery shopping.
- You to me are everything .. Until you ask me to give up surfing.
- Your love keeps lifting me higher .. Except when you blame me for everything (which, frankly, is happening more and more these days dear).
- Heaven must be missing an angel .. Can I really say that if she’s an atheist?
Let me think of some messages that are a bit more down to earth, that I can say with genuine sincerity:
- I still think I married the right person
- Your smile is still unique
- I’m so glad that we met, and for all the things we’ve done together
- I can’t imagine being with anyone other than you
- I still find you sexy
Right now I can’t think of songs with those exact messages, but I’m sure they must be out there. OK, that last one, yes, take your pick! — Let’s get it on, for starters.
Or maybe it’s better to look for the songs that take us back to the days when we were getting to know our future spouse, and had those feelings of finally having a ‘partner in crime’ with whom we could get up to all kinds of adventures. I won’t say ‘the days when we felt in love’ because as mentioned at the start, that could have been an illusion, when we didn’t truly know the person.
I guess that means that for many couples, the songs that renew those feelings could even be techno, punk, metal, rap etc. If a song takes us back to those days, then it has served its purpose and may help to keep the spark alive.
My conclusion is that there’s no love song that can prepare us for marriage, but there are only so many songs that I know — I’m open to suggestions if anybody out there has anything better to offer!
