Approaching Motherhood
A thirty-something’s point of view, with perspectives from select individuals from the Hexagon UX, Design, and Tech communities.
I remember when I was about 8 or 9 years old, I was at a dinner party at a family friend’s home. Parents were sitting around in the living room and we, kids, were hovering around the television. The grownups were talking about parenthood and musing on how quickly their kids were growing up when one of the moms asked me when I was planning on getting married. I said I wasn’t sure; maybe 23. Everyone laughed. She also asked another little girl the same question, but she did not ask the boys.
Women are supposed to…
Both my parents have full time jobs, but my mom is the one who stops by the grocery store on her way home. She is the master planner — meals, house renovations, and possible weekend camping trips in the summer (Ontario Parks always books up in April for the season ahead so you have to plan far in advance to get the spots you want, especially if you don’t want to drive too far out of Toronto). She runs our home completely.
Now after more than 30 years of marriage, she’s finally gotten my dad in the habit of doing the dishes after meals. He still huffs and puffs as if it’s such an absurd task for him to do. He says he wasn’t taught to do household chores, that his mother always did them and when he married my mom, his mother continued living with them so there were always one or two women in the house taking care of all of the chores. His only job was his full time job. My mom actually makes more than he does, but his contribution to their partnership is met by his 9 to 5, so he says it doesn’t matter. Women are supposed to feed the family and take care of the house. They’ve been raised to do it and they’re better at it. Yes, he said this to his only daughter who replied, “You know I’m a woman, right?” He says things are different now. Social norms are different for my generation. For his though, if he does chores, it’s extra; he’s being awesome.
In and out of the home
I have a friend who recently moved in with her boyfriend. He struck out on his own for a minute, but for the most part he’s lived with his mother. After a brief sojourn with some roommates, he lived with his then-wife for about two years. Now my friend is meal prepping on Sunday evenings, cleaning up dirty dishes, making sure laundry is washed, dried, and folded: all the things she’s always done for herself but now, she does it for two. She hasn’t quit her day job, nor is she expected to, but it’s almost as if she’s gotten a second job of taking care of their shared home. It doesn’t stop at the physical chores. There’s also thinking about what to cook for dinner, anticipating ingredients needed, planning to go grocery shopping, and remembering to pick up toilet paper and extra laundry detergent when she’s there. He drove them to Costco at her behest. He didn’t even know they were low on detergent.
Women bear emotional labor extending outside of the home as well. At work, women are expected to be “team players” and go the extra mile to keep everyone around them comfortable and happy. This may include rephrasing emails to avoid appearing harsh, taking notes at office meetings, and organizing team outings and parties: things that take up extra time that could be spent doing work that will get them further ahead in the workplace.
Women have to plan for it
After we account for all of this weight that women carry, we also have one more thing to add to our mental load: Parenthood. Women are medically advised against having children after a certain age so if that’s a milestone we want to check off in our lives, we have to plan for it. Men don’t have the same restrictions; just look at Billy Joel (he’s 65). It’s more than a 9-month pregnancy commitment (which is actually more like 10 months because technically the full term is 40-weeks) followed by maternity leave. You’ll need to take some time from work after labor, even if your partner is willing to take parental leave themselves. Depending on where you live, there may be systemic challenges for men who want to take this on:
“In Ontario government’s policy, 17 weeks is automatic for women but not for men. Men also have to prove EI to get parental leave.” — Eric Arthrell, Business Manager, Doblin
There’s also a high probability that you won’t be getting any “important” work at the office during the pregnancy, so you’ll have to build up your career momentum all over again.
“There’s a difference between a company that promotes parental leave policies versus promoting for men to take that leave. There’s a gender bias that women will dispel their career if they take maternity leave while men’s careers go unaffected and they are just seen as extra caring.” — Maria Pereda, Group Experience Director, Huge
“It freaks me out because I’m in a really good stride with my career and feel like it will stall during my parental leave.” — Han, Toronto
And what about the huge financial consideration? Depending on where you live, the costs of larger accommodations, child care (if you plan on continuing to work sometime after giving birth), and other necessities may break the bank. Whether or not you plan on experiencing parenthood with a partner, or as a single mother, all of these factors must be carefully considered before taking the next step.
“Within the next three years, I’m actively working on increasing my salary because I know it will likely plateau for several years after I have a child.” — E.G., Toronto
“I would only consider a baby if I can take care of one easily while having a full time job.” — Mia, Vancouver
I, personally, haven’t yet. As a product designer, ramping up in my second career, I’m just getting started in the industry. There is so much to learn, participate in, and accomplish, that parenthood is nowhere near the forefront of my focus, for the time being anyway. I have my job, two design communities I volunteer for, and a significant other that I barely have time to see for more than one date a week. I’m barely balancing my load as is. With all of my career aspirations, I simply cannot take on starting a family.
“Before you have a kid, you’re an individual, identified somewhat by your job amongst other things. As a parent, especially when you are pregnant, you’re mainly identified as such.” — Heidi, Toronto
Unfortunately, it is something I have to start planning for. Timing is central to this strategy since I imagine I have approximately a 10-year window to work with my biological clock. Let’s add that to another item on the list of women’s invisible labor: thinking about all of the child birth options that allow for our continued career momentum (e.g. freezing our eggs, adoption, etc.). I’ve had many of these conversations with close girlfriends who are just as ambitious in their careers as I am. Women have to think ahead and make sure they have all of these options available to them. While simultaneously wondering: what are the costs, what are the repercussions, and how close is the deadline to pull the trigger?
“I worry that having a child will take up all my time and I won’t have the freedom to make changes, or do the things I want to do.” — Maria, Los Angeles
Some bring it up with their partners and most will nod their heads and Google along, haphazardly researching. But for the most part, their other halves haven’t considered these possibilities on their own, nor would they ever have without being prodded to do so.
“Things keeping us from having kids: Cost of an apartment or condo that’s big enough for an extra person, commute times, cost and shortage of childcare in the Bay Area.” — Hayley, San Francisco
Being biologically predisposed to carry babies, I imagine women will continue to host the burden of being the primary planner for parenthood. At the same time, we won’t be kicking women’s rights to the curb as it has afforded us the ability to be financially independent (albeit to the point of social expectation). I don’t have a solution for the extra weight I feel we carry as women. As a designer, I would encourage men and partners who have adopted such heterosexual norms to exercise empathy in these situations.
“We have a positive remote-working culture at work with dedicated video conferencing for those who are out of office. If I worked in banking, construction, or retail, etc. I wouldn’t be able to be as flexible.” — Johnny, Toronto
Luckily, working in tech usually offers more liberal workplace options that enable men to play a bigger role at home and take on some of the emotional labour women often carry alone.
It takes a village
There are many avenues a child can come into our lives, and for us to become parents: adoption, fostering, and assisted conception treatments, to name a few. With the multitude of dynamics in family structures as well as gender spectrums, language in policies, as well as legislation, needs to keep up in order to help combat biases in society.
In the workplace, there are many ways for companies and team members to support parents and make sure that expecting parents and employees thinking about parenthood feel safe, comfortable, and supported in doing so.
Consider the following discussion points from Side x Side Co.’s event in Toronto on Pausing For Parenthood:
“Companies should be vocal about their policies and also inform employees on changes in government policy to educate them on how to make the best decision for their families.” — Andrew Kim, Director of Digital Operations Enablement, Loblaw
“Teams should be empowered to level up and fill the roles of people on leave.” — Larissa Holmes, VP of Talent, Borrowell
“You don’t stop being a parent when you step in the door at work. Companies need to make sure employees feel supported as parents.” — Larissa Holmes, VP of Talent, Borrowell
“There should be open communication about planning for parenthood in the workplace.” — Maria Cartagena, SVP People Operations, Kira Systems
Communication is key. It can be tough to talk about conception options, finances, and leave but if we start actively engaging in these conversations at work, at home, and socially, it can empower all parties to make better decisions for themselves, be stronger allies, and promote a healthier culture of support.
Through writing this article, I’ve started thinking about my approach to motherhood—how I must navigate the space between having it be the farthest thing from my mind to the moment where becomes my focal point, one way or the other. There is no circumventing the questions about how these considerations affect and shape my future goals.
While it isn’t the right decision for me at this time, I’ve also witnessed successful examples of parenting while working in tech. I would love to hear about your own experiences, especially the positive ones, and any suggestions you might have for creating more conducive spaces at home, at work, and in our everyday lives to contemplate, openly discuss, and support one another in planning for parenthood.
To the companies who already provide transparent policies and gender neutral leave options; to the partners who take an active role in planning for parenthood and alleviate the weight of emotional labour from their significant others— thank you. It’s an enormous weight off of our shoulders to know we are not alone in planning for the near or far future, that we’re all in it together to build a culture of support, and that our careers and overall well-being are just as important a consideration as yours.
The quotes in this article are from our online survey on Approaching Parenthood In Tech as well as Side x Side Co.’s event on Pausing For Parenthood. Thanks to everyone who participated in our survey, Side x Side Co., and speakers from this event. Special thanks to Bonne Marie Bautista, Julia Meriel, and Fiona Yeung for editorial guidance.
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