Does Star Trek: Picard live up to the nerdgasmic hype?
Greetings and salutations, fellow Earthers (or whatever).
Let’s talk nerd to nerd, shall we?
OBVIOUSLY, the 50-year-old Star Trek media franchise is pretty damn good.
Disagree? Then write your own article. In the meantime, even a highly illogical halfwit (I’m looking at you, middle-aged Star Wars clingers) would acknowledge that, wherever you stand on the Trekkie-to-muggle continuum, Star Trek has become a significant part of 21st-century pop culture. (I mean, for Q’s sake, the US government just ripped off the Starfleet logo!)
But, as we all know, some of the Star Trek television series have been MORE “pretty damn good” than others. In fact, the pretty damn goodest of them all was clearly ST:TNG. (For all you low-level dorks and wayward muggles out there, ST:TNG stands for Star Trek: The Next Generation — only THE best sci-fi television show of all time. Duh.)
Try to keep up, okay? I can’t keep stopping to explain the official Star Trek canon to you. And, for smeg’s sake, calm down, Boomers! Just because Spock was on the tube when you lost your virginity doesn’t make the campy 1960's series any better. (Sure, it was progressive for its time and remains sufficiently entertaining for a single viewing. BUT it’s still far inferior to the subsequent series in almost every way. Deal with it.)
As an author of hifi (a subgenre of science fiction that focuses on irreverent humor and consumption of illicit substances, coined by yours truly), I’ve published three books in a comedy sci-fi series called Far Out Chronicles. Not only was I greatly inspired by ST:TNG, reviewers continue to describe my books as “Star Trek meets Cheech & Chong”. (Quick note to my crew: the 4th far out adventure is crawling steadily along, oozing at its own pace from my fingertips to the page. Still, you can bet your lightsaber it’ll be published LONG before George R.R. Martin’s next installment of ASOIAF… 🔥)
Look, the point is, I’m kinda an authority on science fiction. I grok incredible sci-fi when I see it. And, girrrrl, did I just grok some incredible sci-fi!
Last week, CBS All Access aired the pilot episode of Star Trek’s latest endeavor, lovingly-named Star Trek: Picard. I’ll tell you what, it was SO GODDAMN GOOD that something got hard, but it wasn’t my pick.
Innuendos don’t do it for you? Fine, I’ll engage in a little detail.
First of all, WHAT THE HELL’S WRONG WITH YOU if you don’t want to watch Patrick Stewart spend 46 minutes performing Jean-Luc Picard? Has a brain-sucker eaten your brain? No, that can’t be your problem because if you had a brain-sucker on your head it would starve. 🔥
ONCE AGAIN, Patrick Stewart is friggin’ amazing as Captain, er, Ex-admiral Jean-Luc Picard. Older, yes. (Let’s just say the Borg wouldn’t need more than a few flights of stairs to defeat the ole battle-ax.) Despite his dwindling cardio, Stewart carried the entire show with ease and grace. From the very first scene — a game of poker with an old friend — he pulls on the heartstrings. Yet, soon after, when a reporter throws shade on his retirement from Starfleet, his fiery spirit rears its head and he gives her one hell of a tongue-lashing. (No, you perv, he’s not Captain Kirk and this ain’t that kind of show.)
Some of the major highlights of the episode were the few, fleeting moments we got to spend with the LEGENDARY Brent Spiner. Any fan worth their weight in energy credits would send him a handwritten thank-you note for reprising the role of his iconic character, Data. (yo, Brent, don’t worry, my letter’s in the mail!)
All the other characters who weren’t beamed over from ST:TNG were fine: the badass, kung-fu chick; her Reptilian-eyed boyfriend with a bleeding heart; Picard’s witty and loyal indentured servants; the acid-spitting Romulan Ninja Assassins who, like Stormtroopers, can’t shoot to save their life; and even the creepy, eyebrowless hologram lady in the Starfleet Museum. BUT the new character we’re all DYING to see… the character that will change the landscape of sci-fi TV forever…is BABY WORF.
To summarize, the pilot episode of ST:P (figure it out, newb) digs deep with heart-warming interspecies drama WHILE AT THE SAME TIME satisfying the need for fast-paced, interspecies, pewpewpew raygun shootemups. Dope tech was subtlely embedded throughout both the plot and the scenery, supported by stunning special effects.
It’s sizing up to be the ST:TNG reunion/sequel we anoraks always dreamed of, PLUS they’ve invited that badass, ex-Borg valkyrie chick along for the ride. (Who somehow hasn’t aged a day since Star Trek: Voyager. What’s her name again, “if 6 were 9”? *wink wink*).
As long as the new cast members bring their A-game and stay in their lanes, we can all get along nicely. My only beef with the series is that I must wait an excruciating SEVEN DAYS between every episode. (Psssst! CBS, if you’re listening: to make fans of the 24th-century wait is so very 21st-century.)
In conclusion, to all the Trekkies and muggles (and everyone in-between):
DO YOURSELF A FAVOR AND GO WATCH THE FIRST EPISODE OF STAR TREK: PICARD. It’s definitely worth exploring for 48 friggin’ minutes.
Make it so.
(Plus, there’s a squirrel-slaying pooch in it.)
P.S. — To any high-ranking nerds who find themselves spazzing out over the pilot’s few seconds of awkward dialogue: Go rewatch the pilot of ST:TNG and tell me how in Q’s name it EVER got picked up as a series. If you survive the cringe, I triple-dog-dare you to come back and tell us what you think in the comments below. (Spoiler: You won’t. It’s that bad.)
