“It’s Okay to Cry”
Chapter 10 of “Hold On”: University 2011
(N.B. I’m writing a novel, a chapter a week, here on Medium. Find out why I write here, start from Chapter 1 here, and always feel free to give me feedback in the comments. I write here for the community.)
On the dreaded Monday, Hira reached class just as the professor began the lecture, perfectly timing it so that no one had a chance to talk to her. She spent the class with her head down, furiously scribbling notes to keep her thoughts at bay.
After the class ended, before Hira could rush out as planned, Ahmed approached her and asked her if she could talk outside for a moment. “I have more important things to focus on right now,” she replied coldly before brushing past him and leaving the class. Hira herself was surprised that she could pull this off, as it was incredibly painful for her to reject the offer. But she had promised herself that she would cut off contact with Ahmed so she could be prepared for the future where he would be out of her life forever. She wanted to focus on her studies and not get distracted again. Part of this coldness, however, also stemmed from the sheer sense of betrayal she felt. Ahmed had not even asked her or told her he was considering this move before deciding. If he could make his decision without informing her, then so could she.
The days passed by in much the same way. Hira often sat in crowded spots to avoid any chance of a private conversation with anyone and to avoid being singled out. . Her heartbeat would still give her feelings away every time she caught a glimpse of Ahmed or noticed him looking at or for her — but she stood by her resolve. During one of their classes, Hira tried reasoning with her professor about why learning Python was more important than learning C++ and that the department should be focusing on it. Ahmed eagerly endorsed her point, adding some statistics about the use of the two programming languages in the highest-paying jobs all over the globe. He was disappointed, however, to see that Hira did not even bother to turn around to listen to him, let alone appreciate his support.
Sadia, of course, had been noticing Hira’s strange behavior. She tried to remember if she had done anything to upset Hira, as Hira was not even spending time with her anymore. Sadia offered to have lunch with her, during the class break a few days later, but Hira declined. Sadia tried getting her to talk, politely asking if something was bothering Hira. She suspected it might have something to do with Ahmed, as it was obvious that Hira was avoiding him as well. She then told Hira that she had something important to discuss.
“I am almost failing this course, Hira, I need your help,” she whispered. Hira could not say no to this and agreed to meet Sadia for lunch.
At lunch, the two walked to the cafeteria in silence. They both ordered a sandwich and again, stood in silence, waiting for their food. After getting their order, they walked to one of the tables and sat down. Sadia began, “Hira. I know something is bothering you. You know you can always talk to me, right?”
This unexpected gesture of tenderness moved Hira and she controllably welled up. She quickly cleaned her eye with the corner of her dupatta.
Sadia held her hand immediately, “Hey, it’s okay to cry. It’s okay if you are not ready to talk about whatever it is either. I just want you to know I will always be here.”
Hira remained quiet. She did not know where to begin and was overwhelmed by Sadia’s kindness. Slowly, she mustered up the courage and tried to explain. She recounted her last conversation with Ahmed and explained why it had been so difficult for her. How she had felt betrayed by his lack of concern about her. How she had dreamt of so much, and how it must have been her fault to let herself go this far.
“He does not care. He never did. He’s leaving,” she ended quietly.
Sadia listened to Hira attentively. She remained quiet for a second after Hira finished. Then she told Hira, “It’s not your fault at all. You mustn’t beat yourself up for feeling this way. I am so sorry you’re feeling this way and I am sorry you felt you have been alone through this, Hira.”
She hugged Hira when they got up after talking some more. They walked to the ground, to Hira’s favorite spot after so long. Hira thanked Sadia for being there for her, because she was feeling lighter than she had since that conversation last Friday. It felt good to know she had someone in her life with whom she could share this and talk about it out loud without being judged.
Sadia smiled, “Don’t be stupid, I am always here. Go home and rest. We will talk about this tomorrow.”
The next day, Hira was feeling much better knowing she had the support of one friend at least. She felt ashamed for pushing Sadia away and apologized for it, when they were back in their spot after their classes.
Sadia waved her hand to dismiss it, saying it was completely understandable. “Everyone has their coping mechanisms,” she smiled. “But Hira, I was wondering if you ever told Ahmed about your feelings before cutting him out of your life?”
“Of course not,” replied Hira.
Sadia pursed her lips. “Look, Hira, you pushed me away without any explanations. I had to get you to talk, or it would have been the end of our friendship probably. But you can’t expect everyone to do that. You have to communicate things clearly. Don’t you think it’s unfair to expect him to just know how you feel?”
Hira felt annoyed at first. She was not ready to accept that part of this could have been her own fault or that she shared any responsibility just because she was uncomfortable telling Ahmed about her feelings. Sadia tried reasoning with her, so Hira just said, “I will think about it,” to get Sadia off her back.
As the days passed by, however, Sadia slowly made Hira realize that she was right. Hira knew that a part of her did not want to accept this because she was scared of having this conversation with Ahmed.
A week later, two Fridays after their last conversation, Ahmed found Hira nervously walking towards him after their class.
“I need to talk to you.”
