How to fight well: communicating for connection
In the heat of the moment, all the tools that we need the most go out of the window.
The tidal waves of emotion come crashing down on us, smashing our ability to think, hear and speak clearly into a thousand soggy pieces.
First things first, we need to steady ourselves — notice what’s going on, accept it, hit the physical reset button (full instructions, here).
Once we’ve got a degree of separation between our desire to run away/rip off the other person’s head and our observant other self, we’re going to want to communicate.
It’s not easy. The list I’ll share below isn’t a killer secret that will dissolve the conflict or even guarantee you’ll be heard.
No, instead these principles, practiced (i.e. tried, failed, tried again, failed… repeat until you make them yours) will simply give you a way into a better quality of conflict, one that’s focused on understanding, not simply destroying or placating.
All these principles apply to both how you speak to someone and how you might listen to them, so where it makes sense I’ve tried to describe them that way too.
1. Hear and be heard
The starting point is to make sure we all know what we’re fighting about.
This means being accurate about our language.
Separating out the judgements, blame and assumptions of the other’s words or behaviour from the cold hard facts.
Focusing on the information you can get through your five senses, not the way you then interpret it.
This focus on inarguable facts is critical because any statement that mixes up observation with evaluation will trigger a defensive response in the other.
When that goes off, the walls have gone up. There is now only a battle to be had.
If you’re doing the talking: this is about using factual language that describes what you want to talk about in a way that an impartial observer could say was true.
For example: Instead of “When you shot down my work”, try “When you said X as I presented my project to the rest of the team.”
If you’re doing the listening: try to spot the actual event or trigger that they are wanting to talk about. It won’t be easy, they’ll be mixing it up with stories about you that will make you want to shut down.
2. Feel and be felt
If you want to be felt, people need to understand your feelings.
This is the quickest way to communicate the impact of an event in a way that is inarguable.
Nobody can deny what you feel, and equally you can’t make anybody else responsible for the feelings that you experience after a trigger event.
Expressing your feelings is simply saying, this is where I’m at, this is what’s happening for me. And knowing that’s been heard is like echo-location.
It’s also the quickest route to empathy but it isn’t a guaranteed path as the other may be in a highly triggered state and/or assume you’re blaming them and become defensive.
If you’re doing the talking: Use feelings words like: happy, sad, anxious, confused, excited, joyful (full list here)
Do not use phrases like: I felt that you… I feel like you…
This second list is a set of judgements and interpretations that will cause the other to shut down as they’ll know they’re being blamed.
If you’re doing the listening: Listen out with your ears for their words, your eyes for their body language and using your perception for their energy.
Ask yourself what they are feeling. And ask them: “It sounds like you’re feeling… is that right?”
You may often get another earful but they will also know that you’re there, that you’re tuning in. It also helps you to cut through your own assumptions and judgements as you begin to feel it from their ‘side’.
3. Seek for understanding
At this point, whether we are speaking or listening, it’s time to check in.
Our conflicts are almost always based on an assumption about the other’s motivations or intentions.
We usually we don’t even give these any conscious thought — we’ve so quickly gone to taking things personally and going on the offensive/defensive.
So before going into asking the other to change their behaviour or any other request that will satisfy the wronged and raging voice inside, you need to pause.
Recognise that any time we’re angry or frustrated with another, this is because we don’t yet fully understand what’s going on for them.
And our injustice is just a reflection of our story-telling and past conditioning.
Try on:
“I realise I’m probably jumping to conclusions — can you tell me what was going on for you when…?”
“I’m triggered but I know that’s my stuff — it would help if you could explain why…”
If you’re really on top of your game, all this would be your first port of call.
4. Seek to be understood
Once you feel you understand their motivations or reasoning behind whatever it is you’re finding difficult, you have the opportunity to help them understand what’s going on for you.
And now, with your new perspective on the situation, think about what your need is — what is it that underpins your feelings, that is urging you right now?
Look at this list of needs to refresh your memory.
Having (hopefully) dealt with your story about them — the one that made you want direct your anger or frustration their way — your need will have changed.
Other-based ‘needs’ (faux needs as they are really about using the other as a strategy for making you feel better) are often things like ‘respect’ or ‘justice’.
They usually hold the implication that the other has done something wrong, at you, and should make reparations.
Beyond that you’ll find a need that isn’t dependant on the idea of you being the victim.
Once you’ve located the need, you can try out:
“OK, what I’d love now is…”
“What I feel is missing between us is…”
“What I think will make a big difference for me is…”
Practice, learn, share
As I said at the start — this is a set of principles and ideas to practice and make your own.
Please try them out and add your feedback and personal experiences below — what would you add or change to help other people who come here looking for help?
