What Happens When you Expect too Much From Someone? 2.0
How to manage your expectations and put yourself first?
In 2021, I wrote the article “What happens when you expect too much from people?” to vent out my feelings. To my surprise, even after more than two years, this article is getting read every week, which is something I didn’t expect! This sheds light on the fact that so many of us are sailing the same boat.
It is a human tendency to expect certain gestures or behaviours from your loved one out of love, affection, and sometimes just as a reflection of “something you would do in a blink, and so should they or why can’t they.”
However, this expectation often leads you to expose yourself to the feeling of dejection when your loved one not only fails to reciprocate but can’t even recognize why you expect what you expect and blames you.
A frustrating feeling! More common than the seasonal flu, especially in relationships, whether personal or professional.
Now, I am not stating that your expectations are justified on the other person’s end every time or that they are always on the wrong foot. However, what else would humans need if that rational thinking could kick in so easily, right?
You cannot often change the way you feel. It is a spiral, especially if you are someone like me who is sensitive and overthinks.
The point is how to dodge the bullet of expectations from hitting your own head, and it starts with you.
1. Communication is the key
I know this is a chewed solution, but it often works.
If you are someone who has been independent all your life, it takes a lot of time and trust to open up and ask someone to do something for you. It hurts when that doesn’t happen, which is not completely unreasonable. There is nothing wrong with being independent and still wanting someone to do a thing or two for you.
Everyone deserves to get spoiled sometimes, and the other person should understand that — but you need to communicate this.
Sometimes, due to different perspectives, it is either the case of ‘the glass half full or half empty’. However, in that, do not forget that the glass is yours and pouring it or emptying it is also on you. You have the power to refill it or pour it into the sink.
However, who thinks like that when in anger or grieving about expectations not being met, right?
This is where open communication is very crucial, which applies to both parties.
Without bushing around the bush, communicate your expectations very clearly. Tell your loved one what works for you and what doesn’t and how it makes you feel.
You also need to introspect on whether your expectations are legible or not because you cannot always be correct.
While you need to be open to understanding your loved one’s point of view, they also need to be open to understanding yours — make them understand this. If this is not the case, the glass is not full or empty, but leaking and fixing it cannot be a one-person job.
It is important that you and your loved one take time and think of it as a “we problem” instead of a “me problem.”
Many times, the underlying issue is a lack of willingness or motivation. However, laziness, mentally or physically, is not an excuse to undermine someone’s feelings.
This you and your loved one need to understand, and this cannot be done without talking it out.
2. Stop overdoing, for your sake
Overdoing something for someone, including loving them, caring for them, and going the extra mile just to make someone special and happy, is not gonna always reciprocate and mirror for you.
What you do is your conditioning, and there is nothing wrong with that. In fact, for the person on the receiving end, it is always good.
However, when you do something, it is a normal tendency that you will expect the same kind or at least near reciprocation.
For example, you write a handwritten note as you value thoughtful gestures — it is who you are. But it is possible that for the other person, it is just blue ink on a white surface! Neither your fault nor theirs, as you both are conditioned like that. Not everyone is old school.
Now I am not saying that you should not expect it, but you cannot force it. If someone doesn’t like yellow, you cannot make them like yellow. You need to understand this.
You can definitely make an effort to convey the things you like but you cannot force it. Now this is tricky if you often go overboard for them.
However, if it is not coming from the heart, is it even worth it? If you have to communicate multiple times, is it even gonna make you happy when you get it? There will always be a umph of sigh with the thought that you got that thing because you “asked” for it.
This is because we often value thoughtfulness and heartfelt intentions over good gestures. But often your baked blueberry cheesecake will get rewarded with a last-minute cake purchase of whatever is available in whatever shop someone found.
This can make you question your worth, which is not totally unjustified but for your sake, this should not be the case. You need to draw a line.
You can’t cross the bridge every time and not feel bad when the other person can’t do the same for you. Sometimes, you may also compare their actions with their behaviour with others.
It can be out of jealousy, but in many cases, it is an internal feeling for sensitive people that “Why am I, not that special to be worthy of someone’s efforts?”
However, this is like a wrecking ball that only breaks your mental peace. You need to learn to control your thoughts, especially negative thoughts. Put your needs and well-being first.
Even if it is tough, try to do that. Do not always go overboard; calm your horses.
This seems like a herculean task if you are a giver, but if you can’t give peace to yourself by not getting crushed under your own expectations, are you a giver? Be a giver to yourself first!
3. Balance the Pursuer and Withdrwer equation
Recently, I read this theory somewhere, which means one person (pursuer) believes in open communication and addressing issues, talking about the future, etc., while the other one (withdrawer) doesn’t believe in engaging in conversations that can throw a rock in still water; they prefer peace and being a realist.
As a result, when the pursuer expects to talk, the withdrawer tries to excuse. This cycle repeats, and the more the pursuer expects and tries to address a matter, the more it frustrates the withdrawer and creates a distance in the relationship.
However, this distance is nothing compared to the fact that, with time, the pursuer loses enthusiasm and stops taking action proactively. This often turns out to be a relief for withdrawers, consciously or subconsciously. The outcome eventually is a fading relationship.
If you are a pursuer, and expect your partner to behave the same way you do, understand that it is not going to happen every time, as everyone is different.
Understand that relationships are like plants that grow with watering of time and effort, and losing that is no one’s aim. Hence, it is important to balance the equation of pursuer and withdrawer and not let it act like a slow poison for your relationship.
Do not lose your relationship with your expectations. Yes, it is alright to expect, but you also need to understand what works. After all, a happy relationship is also the recipe for a happy life and a peaceful mind.
If this also doesn’t work, you should be courageous enough to put yourself first, and life is too short to feel that you are compromising every day and loathe the person you love dearly.
This reminds me of a quote,
“If you can’t take something to the destination, it is better to leave it at a beautiful turn.”
Closing Thoughts
You cannot change the other person, but you can try to change yourself or at least condition yourself not to get hurt. As Phoebe from F.R.I.E.N.D.S says, “Boyfriends and girlfriends are gonna come and go but friendship is for life” So “people are gonna come and go, but you are always gonna be with yourself”.
So, why not put yourself first? I know it is hard, but it is not impossible. Don’t cry for someone who can’t even see your tears in the first place or blames you for crying!
