Boundaries, Stonewalling, and the Silent Treatment Are Not the Same
Know the differences so you don’t fall prey to emotional abuse.
Icing someone out isn’t always something we want to do, but sometimes we just badly need some peace. It’s common for some to wonder if this is stonewalling, emotional abuse, or holding one’s boundary. These three possibilities are each different. The difference is intent.
Stonewalling
This describes when a person shuts down in a conversation because they’re experiencing physiological overwhelm. It’s not anything they may want to do, but it happens when there may be no further options open to them.
Dr. John Gottman of the Gottman Institute calls stonewalling one of the “Four Horsemen” of communication breakdown in relationships, and likely to appear after facing criticism, contempt, and defensiveness (the other three horsemen).
Stonewalling is an understandable action in the face of overwhelm and distress, especially if comfort and connection are not forthcoming. In Polyvagal Theory and physiological approaches to conflict and trauma, the person in emotional shutdown may be experiencing flooding — the emotional overwhelm or distress — leading to freezing, numbness, and dorsal vagal collapse.
- A pervasive sense of shame and being trapped in one’s body
- Feeling disconnected and not part of the world or even our body, the “rug pulled out from under our feet”
- Feeling constriction around our throat and a general inability to move or speak
- Slowed or labored breathing
- A collapsed posture, a need to “roll into a ball”
- Not seeing anything in front of our eyes, a fixed but unseeing gaze
- Numbness, slow or nonexistent movement
This freeze state or dissociation is our body’s most extreme survival response. It can become an ingrained reaction, but this should not be blamed on a survivor. It comes from an environment that has “taught” their body to take this intense survival reaction that redirects blood flow and resources away from our brain and metabolism.
It’s part of our inbuilt physical survival mode that wants us to “play dead” in the face of overwhelming threat. It causes a loss of body awareness, movement, and cognitive and narrative ability. It can get activated in moments of emotional overwhelm.
Of the different reactions to stress that our body can take like a fight, flight, or fawn, “freeze” may be the most traumatic to experience and lead to chronic shame.
Coming out of the shutdown needs a safe environment and safe human connection.
All this said, someone who is quiet during conflict may not be experiencing emotional shutdown. Silence may be a symptom of them avoiding conflict (due to a lack of conflict resolution skills), feeling unable to communicate, or being afraid to express their feelings due to previous experience.
The Silent Treatment
Silent treatment is a refusal to talk to punish someone or to elicit an emotional response or desired action from them. It is intentional and the intent is to control or punish.
The silent treatment can be regarded as abusive and emotionally manipulative, especially if:
- It is being used to hurt someone intentionally
- It is being used to shame, isolate, or guilt the target
- It is being used to “fix” or pressure a target
- The silence lasts indefinitely or until the target capitulates
- The length of the silence is decided by the abuser only
- The intention is to discourage future disagreements by withdrawing connection and affection
- It additionally becomes bullying when others are also roped into taking sides and isolating the target
- There is no intention of resolving a conflict fairly through healthy means.
The silent treatment can be part of a larger pattern of emotional abuse or dysfunction. It can be common in dysfunctional families to avoid or “fix” conflict with the silent treatment and pretend later that a conflict was resolved or achieved its intended effect.
Getting out of the silent treatment is complicated and may need an evaluation of whether the relationship is healthy or abusive. Nonviolent Communication and “I” statements can be attempted in re-establishing communication.
But, one needs to have their eyes open for further blame and emotional manipulation still being possible outcomes.
Boundaries
When communication pauses or stops because of a boundary, the intention is different from stonewalling and silent treatment.
Boundaries protect.
Boundaries around emotional well-being sound like “I’d like to have this conversation later when we are both calmer”, “we may both need some time to clear our heads”, or “I see you’re upset but I need some space to process”.
It can be hard to have a fair or productive conversation when parties are triggered, so boundaries around communication are needed to protect people from hurtful, manipulative, or abusive speech.
This does not mean difficult emotions are not acknowledged; on the contrary, they can be acknowledged without using verbal or physical abuse. This asks that the adults present take responsibility for their emotional state.
Abusers and narcissists generally struggle to do this. It’s much easier for them to project shame, blame, and anger onto others than to take any responsibility for their actions, speech, and emotions. As such, boundaries are even more important to maintain around them.
Boundaries also do not control or try to control the other person’s actions. Instead, they set out what you will tolerate, and inform the other person directly or indirectly of the actions you will take to protect yourself.
Boundaries around communication may sound like this:
- This is not a topic I feel comfortable discussing with you right now
- I prefer not to answer this question
- I’d like to talk about this after I have some time to think. How about tomorrow?
- I’d like to look more into this topic before I give you an answer
- I know you’d like to have a say but this is my decision
- I’ve made up my mind. Please stop.
Physical exit, leaving a chat group, or blocking on social media platforms are ways people have found to enforce boundaries with abusers and manipulators. These boundaries can and do protect our peace and well-being, especially when there’s been a longstanding pattern of gaslighting or dismissing our feelings.
Staying in your life should be a privilege people earn by respecting your needs.
It’s also possible that we may get accused of being “oversensitive” or control. Some of our requests may be ignored. In this case, our emotions can help us understand what is happening.
Anger
Anger is an emotion that gets a bad rap, but it’s an emotion that protects us and tells us when our sense of fairness or boundaries is being violated. Abusers especially like to shame their victims for feeling anger (usually while their rage is used to rationalize abuse). Anger can be an ally when trying to understand your needs and boundaries, and when asserting yourself.
You are still responsible for soothing yourself and not using your anger to guilt or control other people’s actions.
(Victims of long-term emotional abuse may find it hard to express or even feel their anger. This is something that may need mental health support to understand and heal.)
Conclusion
Knowing the difference between boundaries, stonewalling, and silent treatment can help us navigate the struggles we may experience around abusers, manipulators, and narcissists.
We can protect ourselves without trying to control others, which is what boundaries do. Boundaries only control what we do or will allow ourselves to tolerate.
While manipulators and narcissists may have — or claim to have — good intentions and our interests at heart, taking our decisions away with manipulation or threat undermines our autonomy and personhood. Our self-determination and boundaries should not come second to their need to play savior or hero.
When we feel overwhelmed or confused, it’s perfectly OK and right to ask for recovery time and clarity. This is a healthy boundary for ourselves and needs to be present in all of our relationships.
If you enjoyed reading this, please follow me as I’ll soon be releasing my workbooks about boundaries and healing from shame.
