Dealing with Bosses That Are Master Manipulators.
Manager management #2: The ‘Empathetic Pretenders’.
Remember the old-school boss who yelled and threatened in front of everyone? Gone.
Now, bad managers speak corporate mumbo jumbo and play a different game — one where they can’t lose.
No more public shaming, just closed-door chats dripping with hidden meanings and veiled threats. They dangle rewards and punishments, keeping you guessing what they want, what you need to do, and if it’s ever enough.
These are the Master Manipulators.
One common breed is the “Empathetic Pretender”.
Who feigns empathy for your ‘situation’ but would neither give advice nor take any action despite your desperate pleas.
Imagine: a stakeholder hijacking calls, demanding updates, and masking pressure as “care.” You share your struggles, hoping for support, but get empty platitudes and no relief.
Imagine another one: You just said that Dad needs dialysis every week and hence a lesser workload is required. “Hope Dad’s okay,” they’d say, feigning concern. But then, BAM! Back to deadlines.
All talk, no action. Every call, the same script: fake care, real pressure. Draining!
Despite spending over $60 billion a year globally on leadership development, research shows that nearly 30% of bosses may be mildly or highly toxic. And make no mistake — bosses who manipulate and gaslight are indeed toxic.
While changing them is unlikely, self-preservation is crucial. Here are strategies to navigate this emotional minefield:
Protecting My Well-being:
- Understanding their game and intentions: How frequently are they doing this? Are they doing this with your colleagues as well or is there any personal vendetta? Either way, you’re playing their game — for now. Use this time to plan your escape. Be cognizant of that and remind yourself of this every hour of the job if need be.
- Prioritizing myself: Stay focused on the positive — everyday learning, good colleagues and clients, family, and the side hustle — to maintain mental health. Do not let them sap your energy and suck you completely dry when you get home. Remember, you are more than this job.
- Avoiding confrontation: Recognize the risks of calling them out and prioritise peace of mind over potential conflict. They are at a position of power.A gaslighter may use this confrontation to further punish you. And frankly, chances are that a manipulative boss has covered their tracks with their own boss. Focus on finding a new job, not a new enemy.
Reducing Their Control:
- Managing workload: Used “busy plate” to negotiate responsibilities and gauge their true intentions. Be in control of the conversations and be very work-led in your chats.
- Maintaining boundaries: Ditch the personal details and emotional baggage. Don’t fall for their sudden “caring act” — it’s a trap! Remember, they’re two-faced, so take their words (and actions) with a hefty pinch of salt. Trust is a luxury you can’t afford, so keep your interactions emotionally neutral. They may try to manipulate, but you’ll be a fortress, not a pushover.
- Building support: Talk to friends, mentors, even attend skip-level meetings. And when speaking to skip, control your complaints. Instead, highlight your successes and what you bring to the table. Be positive, proactive, and showcase your value.
Planning My Escape:
- Side hustle to freedom: Invest in your escape pod, aka your side hustle. Network actively, hone your skills, and be ready to launch when the time comes.
- Document everything: Keep a record of interactions, proof of their manipulative maneuvers. This could be useful later, but for now, it empowers you.
Remember: You’re not alone.
You’re smart, capable, and have a bright future ahead. Stay focused, stay strategic, and keep your eyes on the prize — a job that values you, not manipulates you.
Previous in the manager management series here.
