Fear of Rejection
Boosting self-image and healing past traumatic impressions are the keys to overcoming it
Fear of rejection is one of the common feelings that most people have across human evolution. There are few people who are idolized by others and being rejected by them would hurt a lot. This reliance on approval from a select few derives from our own emptiness and lack of self-esteem.
Fear is the root cause
When a child is born, he is in a state of bliss but as he grows, sheaths of fear cover his happiness and create a sense of emptiness within him. A child having quite some fears would not be happy and would look for approval from others. These other people are mostly those who are generally happy and have less amount of fear within them.
Example: Shyam is a young boy from India. When he was very young he was full of confidence. He later developed feelings for the opposite sex that was not permissible within his society. As a result, he would face situations that instilled feelings of fear and guilt within him. As he was burdened by more such fears, he looked toward so-called happy people in his surroundings in order to get their approval.
One such incident was when he forgot to do homework and had to tell the same to his class teacher. English was the medium of communication in the convent school where he studied and since it was not his native language he struggled to speak in front of his teacher and classmates. That incident how much ever insignificant as it might have been got imprinted in his subconscious mind. He feared being ridiculed by his so-called sophisticated classmates as well as the teacher. Being in their good books was so important for him that getting ridiculed by them hit him hard.
How do you overcome it?
As a preliminary step, one must apply the process of catharsis to remove all the strong negative emotions from the psyche. This may involve lying down and reimagining the incident and making bodily movements to get the energy out of your system.
The next steps require quite a lot of analysis and generally take place in a series of stages. In the first stage, you try to justify that you were correct and that the other person was wrong. This may help in the short run but eventually, your mind itself will tell you that it is not sufficient. The ultimate change in perception occurs when you realize that your prime focus should be you and not others. This normally happens when you have gotten rid of the majority of your fears and have developed an immense amount of self-worth. At that time the person with whom you feared rejection will not matter to you at all. You will be the focus of your inner world. A time may come when it may even happen that you may think that whether you need to give approval to the other person i.e. role reversal may take place. I am not saying that it is good as then the other person may get miserable seeking your approval but is an indication that your inner work is complete.
Example: The incident involving homework during primary school instilled fear in Shyam’s mind. He initially developed a hatred for the English language itself as it was spoken by the so-called happy people who rejected him. Shyam then applied the process of catharsis to re-experience the homework incident and release all the negative charges. He then formulated the belief that there is no harm in hating the English language as it is foreign to him.
Shyam felt good for some time but eventually, his mind could not console itself. Hatred against anything is a sign of weakness. Shyam worked on a lot of his other fears involving his attraction toward the opposite sex and eventually became devoid of fears. When one does not have fear then automatically his self-esteem rises.
Shyam again re-experienced the homework incident and found that there was nothing to fear as his classmates and teachers were equal to him. He does not have to hide his incompetency to get their approval.
Shyam further worked on himself and eventually reached a state where he loved himself so much that the thought of getting approval from others did not enter his mind. He valued himself greatly and knowing or not knowing English was immaterial. He also shunned his so-called hatred of the English language and eventually became a good writer.
Conclusion
Fear of rejection stems from poor self-image which in turn is derived from feelings of fear and guilt in an individual. A person must apply the process of catharsis and refinement of the inner child to overcome these fears and instill a sense of love for himself. It is then that the initial requirement of seeking approval from others will go away and the person shall focus only on himself and his own approval. This transformation in the person shall make him confident and trust his inner voice in taking life decisions. Such people turn out to be on the top of their fields and are also quite happy and blissful. Good luck to you in traversing this path to rediscovering your true self.
