Holding on to Anger is a Sign of Weakness
There is mainly some other fear that makes us hold on to anger
People hold on to anger for a variety of reasons. Sometimes it helps the person in getting back to the person who hurt him. It is a psychological mechanism that makes the person hold a higher standing. But is this mechanism good for the individual? I personally do not think so.
Why do we get angry?
In reality, there is nothing to get angry about as we are pure consciousness and hence there is nothing to fear. But almost all people do not realize this fact and are affected by the actions of other individuals causing them to get angry.
- Attachment: It is one of the main reasons that cause a person to hold anger against the person. Attachment causes us to have expectations from the other person and when the other person does not stand up to our expectations then we have anger. The expectation might be as simple as not responding to our phone, ignoring us, etc. We cannot risk losing the person and hence are overly attached to him. This causes us to take even small actions as a threat to our bonding and induces anger in response.
- Physical pain: It is a fact that one cannot ignore physical pain so easily. Whenever a person is meted with an action causing him to have physical pain or just a threat for causing physical pain then the majority of people respond with anger. One cannot bear physical pain and would resort to threats and anger to avoid having the experience.
- Past memories: Sometimes action of a person creates a stimulus that causes a train of thoughts that can lead to past memories associated with fear or pain. In such a situation even though the action may be trivial but still the person may resort to anger.
Reasons for holding on to anger
People hold on to anger for a variety of reasons:
- Forbid similar situation: Any situation that caused a person to get angry is something that a person would not like to re-experience. By holding on to anger he ensures that in a similar situation he forbids the other person to hurt him again.
- Have a higher standing: Anger can also cause a person to get back to the one who harmed him whenever required. It is just a tool to have a higher standing.
- Not getting in touch with the real reason: The real reason for anger is some form of fear. People who hold on to anger are actually trying their best to not get in touch with their real fears.
How to release anger?
Let’s analyze how we remove the various reasons mentioned above for holding on to anger:
- Forbid similar situation: When a person is meted with a situation that causes him to get angry, mostly the person himself is not in a calm state of mind. People try to harm others mostly when they are instigated to do so. To avoid this it is better that the person analyzes the reason behind his agitated state of mind and then applies the process of catharsis and refinement of the inner child to work upon them.
Example: Ram just failed an examination and was in a frustrated state of mind. His father asked him to visit a mobile shop for some sim-related issues. The shopkeeper did not behave nicely with Ram and he got agitated and they both had an argument.
Later Ram realized that his frustrated state of mind was the reason why the other person did not behave with him properly. He applied the process of catharsis to remove the various emotionally charged impressions related to situations where he failed earlier. He then brought to focus his inner child and imparted it confidence even though he failed. This caused an immediate change in his behaviour and he doesn’t judge his self-worth by succeeding or failing an exam. His self-worth is absolute.
Next time in a similar situation Ram was full of confidence and the other person too sensed his level of confidence and acted respectfully with him.
- Have a higher standing: In relationships, one need not have any attachment. Yes, attachment causes a relationship to have unnecessary expectations. People also want to get back to the person with whom they are attached and would like to have a higher standing. Removing attachment and basing your happiness just based on yourself would help the person not resort to such means of putting the other person down.
Example: Sara and Shyam are in a relationship. Once Sara cheated on Shyam and had a relationship with another man. Shyam was very angry at this. Though they got back together still Shyam would not let go of his anger. Whenever he has to get back to Sara he would tell her about her cheating.
Later Shyam realized that holding on to anger is causing him to have quite a lot of discomfort. Moreover, his relationship with Sara too wasn’t as great as it was earlier. Thus he applied the process of catharsis and refinement of the inner child to remove all attachments to Sara and had very little expectations of her. He realized that everyone is a human and can make mistakes. This inner work led Shyam to release the anger and again rekindle the romance in his relationship.
- Not getting in touch with real reason: The real reason behind most of the feelings of anger is some form of fear. We hold on to anger so that we do not get in touch with that feeling of fear. To overcome it is important that we allow the underlying fear to come to the surface and deal with it once and for all. After this, the very basis for holding on to anger would go away.
Example: Kashyap got hold of a love letter to his daughter. It was written by one of her classmates. Kashyap got very angry at it and in his rage called that classmate and threatened him. Kashyap was not able to forego his anger for a long time.
Later Kashyap was suggested by his friend to analyze the real reason behind his anger. Kashyap applied the process of catharsis and realized that the societal pressure of keeping daughters away from love relationships before marriage was the reason why he couldn’t take the love letter issue calmly. He removed all the fears of society and embraced the fact that his daughter can have love relationships before marriage and that he would be proud of her. This change in belief led to his anger getting vanished in no time.
Conclusion
Holding on to anger does serve some purpose for an individual but in reality, it does more harm than good. One should elevate his status from being a person who is a recipient of anger to the one who will always get love. One should also relinquish any expectation from the other person and just consider it a bonus when someone does act nicely with us. Thereafter one should apply the process of catharsis and refinement of the inner child to throw away all the underlying fears from his psyche so that there is no fear from which he needs to protect by means of anger. He can be a free person who enjoys every moment.
