I am Selfish and Unapologetic!
Apology: a regretful acknowledgement of an offence or failure
Selfish: concerned excessively or exclusively with oneself
My Spark Notes Back Story:
Ten years ago, I turned 18. I was living in a stressful home, performing poorly at a college that I did not want to go to, and convinced that I had to stay home because I couldn’t “handle the real world,” (Now there is more but those are the most impactful pieces.) Unable to regulate my emotions properly due to unhealthy coping mechanisms and a strong possibility of undiagnosed ADHD, it felt like I was a nuclear bomb on borrowed time`. Two years went by and in that time I flunked out of college, had an incredible relationship then an unhealthy rebound, and began to feel a great sense of dooming thoughts. As my mental health declined, and my home life deteriorated further into chaos, I knew I would not survive another year. So after the worst winter I had ever felt, I decided that I would move or else (intrusive or else).
After moving to the warmest place I could think of (Arizona), I fell back into the same unhealthy patterns of people pleasing trying to fit in, bending over backwards for those who wouldn’t pick up a pen for me and killing myself at work with 40+ hours as a waitress. All while I thought I was thriving, I didn’t realize that all the previous years and the current one, I was giving small pieces of myself to others without keeping anything for myself. I gave to my friends, my family, my tinder dates, my jobs, and eventually the one that I love. Then I died.
No not a real death, a metaphorical death. I was robbed of all that was me. Hating myself when I looked in the mirror. Instead of a strong caregiver, I was a doormat.
“Don't tell people no or you are a bad person”
“Why don’t you ever think of my feelings”
“Why can’t you do anything right”
“You can’t let me be happy”
“You never want me”
“I hate you”
“Go”
Like a Sunflower at the end of a season, I was drained of my life and had no more to give.
“God helps those who help themselves,”
Both my religious and agnostic friends can agree on this one verse when one wallows in their victimhood. Sitting around like the victim of my life and letting myself fall deeper into shambles, was NOT an option. It was time to pick myself up by the bootstraps and get my sh*t together.
“YOU ARE IN CONTROL OF YOUR OWN LIFE AND NO ONE ELSE’S”
First, I would need to tackle my extreme anger towards those who wronged me (or so I thought it was towards them). Going to therapy sounds like such a drag, doesn’t it? Well it can be, unless you know where to look for a good therapist (NOT THE BAR OR YOUR HAIRSTYLIST.)
(Many Christian based ministries will have a facility that offers low cost vent sessions for EVERYONE. So if you are interested, start looking at the church! And the best part is, most have Facebook pages that will inform you of their therapist services if they offer them!)
Second, I would need to find value in myself. What makes me happy? What am I capable of? Having things in my life that give me purpose and meaning are the way to a sound mind!
Third, I would need to remove the people who don’t help me to grow and live a life without unnecessary resistance. Abraham Hicks has a great podcast that I listen to called “Living the life of least resistance.” Basically if something you are doing gives you resistance, maybe you should change your path!
“Insanity is doing the same thing over and over again but expecting different results” — Albert Einstein
Fast forward, I am 10 years an adult and I still haven’t gone back to university, I have no biological children in my home, and no full-time career. HOWEVER, I have more meaning and love in my life than I could ask for. I know what you are thinking, “Wait, what? But you haven’t accomplished the things you failed at. So how do you feel further than you were?” Well the answer is simple: there is more than one way to get satisfactions and sucess from your life.
“The sun’ll come out tomorrow
Bet your bottom dollar that tomorrow
There’ll be sun”
Finding your way from the deepest abyss inside of yourself can be a lengthy voyage. Reaching down and dragging yourself from the darkness that has consumed you. All the while people saying, “you can’t do it alone,” I believe you absolutely can! Is it easier when you have the village their to help you? Yes! But for some people, there is no village, there is no one coming to save them from themselves. We should aspire to be their village but that is a different topic for a different time. Before we can care for others:
We have to become SELFISH before we become the best version of ourselves — Miss Victoria
Growing up in the Christian Church, I was taught that selfishness was bad. That Jesus gave everything he had and so should I. So I did, and no one came for me to save me from the darkness I faced at the end of everything. Because it was not the end, I only felt that it was. Instead of teaching me to invest in myself and say no sometimes, I gave what I didn’t have and ended up with even less than nothing. Are you relating to this? If so then keep reading!
“I walk a lonely road
The only one that I have ever known
Don’t know where it goes
But it’s home to me and I walk alone”
“Cats do not provide milk, wool, or meat” — Dwight Shrute
Just like a miracle, I woke up one sunny day and I had forgiven myself and all those who had wronged me. I was ready to conquer the world and was fresh as a daisy!
Just kidding!
I suffered through my pain and realized that I had a hand in my own demise. My choices and the choices made for me by others led to where I am today. And I refuse to allow the past to define my future!
Think back to the first time you “just went with it.”
What was it?
Did you really want to do it?
If the answer was “no” or “I don’t think so,” and those persons are still in your life, should they still be? Probably not. So why do some remain?
As human nature dictates I, like many of us, want to be liked and accepted. Validation is at the core of who we are as human beings! So how do we draw the line between being a doormat and being true to yourself? Click here.
“People come into your life for a reason, a season or a lifetime.
When you figure out which one it is,
you will know what to do for each person” -Unknown
You cannot give what you don’t have. Focusing on yourself so that you have more to give, is in my opinion, the most thoughtful thing a person can do. Selfishness is not always a bad quality. Neither is being unapologetic!
Apologies are for those who regret their actions and the number one thing you should never be sorry for is looking out for yourself. Maintaining your boundaries is an integral part of our lives. Without it, everything descends into anarchy. So when I deny my nieces and nephews the goldfish out of my bowl or any food from my plate, I AM NOT SORRY ABOUT IT!
Live your life UNAPOLOGETIC AND SELFISHLY!
Oh and never share your food with children!
If you made it this far in my article, THANK YOU! I appreciate you! Don’t forget to clap and comment on this article and Hit the follow button to get notice of my newest articles!
