The 2 Most Powerful Words in the English Language
I stood there on the stage, crying almost uncontrollably in front of the large crowd. I was trying to finish what I was there to say but was stuck after repeatedly voicing the two most powerful words in the English language, Not a soul in the audience knew what would emerge from my lips, but there was one soul who most certainly did; The soul of my sister, Linda, who was off to my left peacefully lying in a casket. It didn’t matter that she couldn’t respond. I still had to tell her to give us both some peace. I somewhat gathered my composure and finally muttered the words one final time, “I’m sorry.”
Linda had passed away at the far too young age of thirty-four after a life filled with love and compassion for everyone she knew. She was beautiful inside and out in every sense of the word. She always had time for others and wanted to be a part of whatever was going on in the moment. I was not as gracious as a younger brother, more interested in myself and my own selfish ways.
Yet, I owed her the words and the powerful meaning that they represented. When we say I’m sorry to another individual, we speak more than just two words as the meaning can take many forms. It can mean as little as, “Excuse me” to a stranger or as much as, “Please forgive me” to a loved one. The sad truth is that a lot of us don’t understand the different forms. Even worse is that many of us go through life holding these words inside when they are yearning to be set free. We somehow feel that by speaking to them, we are yielding, giving in, or losing in some way. This is actually far from the truth as the power of the words is shared between both parties in a bond of forgiveness. When this happens, there is a powerful win-win between both.
Where do you stand when it comes to saying, I’m sorry? Do you hold it in or give freely? Do you accurately wield the appropriate version of intent when you speak?
Let’s examine the three different types of I’m sorry to provide a better understanding next time you are faced with an opportune moment to share their power.
Inconvenience
This is the basic buy-in level of I’m sorry. It’s telling someone they can have the shopping cart when you accidentally reach for it first — or letting them know that you can’t hear them well and they need to speak up louder. It’s apologizing for the negligible inconvenience that you have caused them in a small way.
“I’m sorry, can you please repeat that? I didn’t quite catch that.”
Annoyance
This type is more significant than a simple inconvenience. At this level, you have caused them a minor amount of harm in some form or fashion that can be emotional or physical. It could be that your actions made them late to school, or you kept them from turning in their reports to the boss because you didn’t complete your portion on time. Another example would be elbowing them in the face as you turned around at the gym, leaving them with a black eye. An easy way to determine this level is the time it takes for them to recover. In any of the examples, they will heal or get over it pretty quick. You are likely to have some remorse for the suffering you have caused but will not dwell on it too long.
“I’m sorry I didn’t’ finish my section in time; now I’ve made our project late, hurting all of our grades.”
You screwed up bad!
At this level of I’m sorry you have seriously wronged another in many ways. This may include physical, emotional, mental, or even spiritual. It could be that you lied to your spouse about something major from your past that you were hiding, or you tripped a friend as a joke, leading them to fall and require knee surgery. Both examples show that the person is hurt and will take significant time to recover.
Another critical component to note at this level is that the level of harm or healing time is not up to you as the giver to determine. It is always up to the receiver, which can often be a difficult pill to swallow. This is especially true if you feel that they should have already forgiven you. It may seem unfair though the hurt party always determines how they feel and how long it will take to recover.
“I’m sorry for not telling you about this sooner — I now realize that was terribly insensitive.”
Unforgivable
This is a whole different level in itself, that most of us hopefully never experience on either side. It is reserved for the inhuman acts of our world, such as murder or genocide. I won’t provide additional examples here because while this level may have societal rules that govern what falls into this category, it is very open to individual beliefs.
Keep in mind that the title “unforgivable” is used merely as a descriptive term. The reality is that there is no such thing as an unforgivable act. Many of us may feel this way when we are hurt bad enough, yet we must remember that forgiveness is a practice we all need more.
“When you forgive, you free your soul. But when you say I’m sorry, you free two souls.”- Donald L. Hicks
Remember, one of the fantastic benefits of speaking the words “I’m sorry” is that they are, in essence, asking for forgiveness. You must always begin the process by declaring your apology without expectation of the outcome. Doing this shows the authenticity of your words and vulnerability. You must then make sure your apology is complete.
Nuts & Bolts
A true and complete apology involves three necessary components.
- Acknowledging the error. “I’m sorry for X.”
- The effects the error has/had on the ones who were wronged. “I realize that by doing X, I hurt you and made you feel Y,”
- What you intend to do in the future to prevent it from happening again. “Next time, instead of doing X, I will do Y.”
By including these three parts, you show that your apology is genuine, you feel remorseful, and you won’t do it again. This is crucial because saying I’m sorry is beneficial for both the giver and the receiver. It is one of the beautiful gifts in life. A gift to the person you are apologizing to, yes, but also a gift to yourself. By freeing yourself of any burdens and being vulnerable, your weight is lighter, and you are allowed to spend your focus and energy on more positive things in your life.
This brings us back to my story. I wasn’t always there for my sister when she needed me, and it was something I regretted at the time. Telling her, I’m sorry was necessary for me to start down the road of forgiveness.
As family members began to usher me off stage, I made sure to stop and tell my sister one more time. “I’m sorry.” I did my part, and while she was unable to respond at that moment, I knew in my heart that she did her part and forgave me too.
Be sure to check out the previous features from this series.
The 3 Most Powerful Words in the English Language
