3 Signs That You’re Letting Guilt Dictate Your Life

Unchecked feelings of guilt can zap your motivation without you even realizing it.

Photo by Kenny Eliason on Unsplash

I need to be productive today! I can’t be lazy and watch TV again
I should go to the gym — I’ve skipped all week and haven’t been eating well
I ought to plan my sister a surprise birthday party — it will make her happy

Any of this sound familiar to you?

If so, guilt may be influencing your decisions & impacting your motivation — even if you’ve never named it as such.

The connection between emotions & motivation

You may be aware of the benefits of intrinsic motivation — that is, doing things because they are naturally enjoyable or satisfying in some way.

It is linked to more sustainable effort and higher resilience. In other words, it’s the ‘good’ kind of motivation (as opposed to using external rewards).

Seems easy enough, right? Identify what drives you internally and act accordingly. Unfortunately, it’s more complicated than that.

Even if you’ve identified your intrinsic motivation, your emotions influence how successfully you can follow through on it.

Unsurprisingly, negative emotions reduce the power of this internal drive.

The good news is that actively differentiating which negative emotion you’re feeling has been shown to mitigate this impact.

So when you feel unmotivated, simply ‘powering through’ may not be the best course of action. It’s worthwhile to first understand where that lack of drive comes from — one of which may be feelings of guilt or shame.

Signs that guilt is messing with motivation

Below, you’ll find indicators that guilt — caused by unrealistic expectations, self judgement, or people-pleasing— may be deteriorating your motivation:

You set rigid routines and find them hard to keep.

When you are intrinsically motivated, progress comes naturally — particularly at the beginning. You are fueled by a genuine curiosity, desire to grow, or other anchoring value.

Eventually, yes, schedules and commitments are likely necessary to build habits & achieve goals. They keep you accountable. But take note of how quickly they start to control you, versus you controlling them.

If your routines feel constraining, tune into how they feel to you:

Do they feel like obligations or grounding activities?
Are they energizing or draining?

What might be going on:

• You have read all the tips & tricks for how to be successful and picked an approach that has worked well… for others.
• You set a routine and stuck with it — never experimenting with what works best for you.
• You’re ashamed that you haven’t made as much progress as you wanted — focusing disproportionally on the outcome instead of the process.
• You look at your routine in isolation of the rest of your life — not adapting for new situations (different than making excuses!).
• You’ve forgotten your ‘why’ and are acting purely out of habit or obligation.

If your routines don’t work for you, then they’re working against you.

Stop ‘should-ing’ on yourself —your guilt might indicate that your current approach isn’t authentic to you. Try something different.

You’re more focused on the stick than on the carrot.

Intrinsic motivation can be a double edged sword.

You start out determined to live a certain way — excited by the possibilities.

As time goes on, you face challenges. The gap between where you are and where you want to be is more apparent. You feel guilty when you don’t act in perfect accordance with your goals.

Your motivating force becomes avoidance — of disappointment or failure. You no longer see the ultimate reward, only potential punishment.

This negative self-talk is grounded in your intrinsic desires —the reasons you set out on your goal in the first place — so, you don’t question it.

If you’re feeling stuck, take time to ask yourself:

What has my internal dialogue been sounding like lately?
Do I have an internal cheerleader, or an internal bully?

What might be going on:

• You’re tending towards perfectionism — not giving yourself any grace.
• You are afraid of how you’ll be viewed by others — your self-judgement reflects how you think you’ll be perceived.
• You haven’t noticed the way that you’re guilting yourself, so you haven’t been able to actively stop or reframe it.
• You’re lacking creativity — anchoring in what you’re not doing versus finding something else you could be doing towards your goal.
• You’ve lost sight of the bigger picture—forgetting the positive benefits of achieving what you set out to do.

You are what you think. Take back control of your narrative.

The more you feed into negative self-talk & internal guilt-tripping, the more habitual it becomes. Intentional mindfulness can stop it in its tracks.

You’re giving too much of yourself and resenting others for it.

There’s a fine line between acting in service of others and being a martyr.

I see this particularly prominently in women — even more so in mothers. Your identity is linked to supporting others, so you go all in.

You have trouble setting boundaries, and you begin to lose much of the joy that you associate with caring for those around you.

You feel guilty when you don’t go above and beyond for others even though you’re exhausted. It feels too risky, too misaligned, to not continue on this path, so you begrudgingly forge ahead.

If you’ve been feeling drained by typically uplifting activities explore:

Have you been feeling resentful towards people you care most about?
What is really needed, and how does that compare to what you’re putting in?

What might be going on:

• You are trying to read other people’s minds, potentially even making judgements on their abilities to take care of themselves.
• You have never stopped to notice when you’re doing things out of authentic desire versus perceived duty & responsibility.
• You’re afraid to change because you don’t know what the impact will be on your relationships.
• You’ve started to anchor more in expected appreciation from others as opposed to your intrinsic desire to help.
• You feel selfish for wanting to take time for yourself or wanting more support from others. You’ve lost sight of your own needs.

Burning a candle at both ends may produce more light, but not for long.

Letting guilt drive you to burnout can ruin the very relationships that you’re trying to preserve. Reframe how you think about self-care.

So what can I do with this?

Intrinsic motivation isn’t foolproof. You will be influenced by your emotions. You will stumble. You will fail. You will need to regroup.

Noticing and naming any negative feelings impairing your progress is key — whether it be frustration, anger, or — commonly — guilt. Once you’ve identified the emotion, you can dig into what’s causing it and take action.

For feelings of guilt, this might look like:

• Notice if you’ve let external pressures — ‘shoulds’— factor into your decisions. Untangle them from your true goal to see more clearly.
• Get curious about your internal narrative. Use mindfulness — whether its meditation, journaling, walking, working out — to reconnect to you.
• Remain open to possibilities that you haven’t yet explored. Remember that there is no one right way to do anything.
• Remind yourself of of your purpose. Write it down where you can see it. Tap back into what is authentic to you.

Misplaced guilt is our body and mind telling us that something isn’t right.

This doesn’t mean you should give up on your goal — It just means you need to tap back into your intrinsic motivation to let it take the wheel.

For more on living a values-aligned, purpose-driven life and career, follow Alex Stanton on Medium