To Bloom In The Right Soil

Photo by Mohamed Nohassi on Unsplash

We tend to think of personal growth as an inner journey. Yet, there is an equally important external component to self-development and thriving that we often overlook. I call it structure. Structure and self affect each other, and it is very hard to grow if the structure limits the self. Let me give an example.

In school, I was perceived as a shy kid, yet I would never have called myself shy. From my point of view, school was overwhelming, and my attempts at processing and keeping up with expectations led me to withdraw. My high sensitivity became an obstacle, and I felt like I had to fight my own tendencies to passionately think, feel, and question. The young child who was inventive, curious, and energetic faded into a kid who was quiet, afraid, and dutiful.

Years of therapy could not shed the shield I built, because there was no room for me as I was on the school bench. Then, at twenty-six, I had eighteen years of education behind me and started my first job. It was a highly supportive job where I was allowed to use and advance my skills, cooperate with excellent, friendly, and authentic people, and part-take in the development of the organization. I shifted from being an outsider to a leader and innovator. After so many years, my self-esteem suddenly soared. And to my surprise, what emerged? That inventive, curious, and energetic kid that was left behind so many years ago.

This is not a rare story, there are plenty of this kind of “I found my way” stories. Take this story where the author finds her calling in education, or this story about taking an autistic child from conventional school to homeschooling, or this story about being an outcast until finding your tribe. Who else has experienced a feeling of liberation and flow when being in a specific context? It could be a beach, the dance floor, a deep conversation, a car race, rock climbing, writing, or even just the right people.

The point is that context matters. All the personal growth in the world will not help if the structure does not align with the self. This structure is the expectations that are put in place, the norms that guide behavior, and the unspoken values of “good” and “bad”. A dancer in a porcelain store is in the wrong structure. A polyamorous person in a monogamous relationship is in the wrong structure. Women in patriarchal societies are in the wrong structure. A structure can be more or less limiting, but a structure that leaves no room to be yourself is oppression.

The figure below shows how our selves can thrive or be limited by the structure we exist in. I imagine a two-by-two table made up of the dimensions “structure” and “self”. Depending on whether we live our authentic selves or exercise a false self, and whether we fit into the structure or not, we fall into one of four categories. Forgive my provocative labels, but I believe it showcases the injustice in many of these structures. In school, my false self and not fitting in would place me in the loser category for a long time.

The connection between the self and structure (my own figure).

1. Floaters: People who fit into the structure while being themselves have an easy time, they are “floaters”. They are usually kind and want the best for others, though their lack of hardship can sometimes make them seem a tad superficial and out of touch with various challenges that exist. Their opportunity to be themselves in a structure that accepts them leaves them with plenty of energy and self-esteem.
2. Eccentric: Those who have the capacity to be themselves in a structure where they do not fit in have a strong sense of self. Often, they are or have been floaters in one of the most important structures there are — the family. They are self-confident oddballs whose authenticity inspires and shows that they are comfortable in their own skin. They too have excess energy for others and often accept a wide range of different people.
3. Try-hard: Trying to maintain a false self in a structure where you cannot be yourself is exhausting. It leaves one depleted and exhausted. Try-hards appear to fit into the structure, but it comes at a high cost. Because they have to pretend to be someone they are not, they are judgmental, critical, and harsh, both towards themselves and others. Because they work so hard to fit into the structure, they paradoxically tend to be its fiercest defenders. They may bully others to cover up their own insecurities.
4. Loser: Losers want to fit in, but they are unable or unwilling to deal with the mind gymnastics of the try-hard. Without the required support to be themselves as eccentric, they wither. Severed from their true selves, they become a shell of a person — anxious, depressed, or aggressive. Losers are the most vulnerable in a structure.

Photo by author.

Luckily, nobody is on any of these labels permanently. As we shift structure, we often shift categories. One can go from a loser to a floater — which might feel like coming home. Or one can go the other way. Ageism, for example, is a structure that leads us to become either a loser or an eccentric with time. That being said, with a strong sense of self and plenty of self-esteem, a person can exist as an eccentric in adverse structures for a period of time. Yet, self-development and personal growth can only take us so far. In the end, a flower cannot bloom in the wrong soil.

Thanks to Sam W., Danya Khelfa, and Grace Delphia for posting their stories.