I Saw the Sign

Normalizing “Relationship Red Flag” Discussions with Loved Ones

Don’t you dare apologize because you didn’t know I was being abused.

When I escaped my abuser of five years, “M”, I was left with many damaged relationships due to his varied efforts to isolate me from my loved ones. This isolation was a control tactic and a method of ensuring I didn’t feel safe telling anyone about the abuse.

Healthy communication with loved ones during periods of isolation is akin to the overwhelming relief of finding a trail marker when you’re lost on a trail. You aren’t out of the woods yet, but suddenly you have a sign guiding your path back to safety. Photo by author: Veronica Wren

Isolation as Abuse

Abusive partners often attempt to separate victims from their friends and family, making it difficult for them to reach out for help. They may even try to control what their victim says to others or monitor their communication. These complex and pervasive tactics are developed to make it challenging for victims to seek support from loved ones. As a result, friends and family members may not be aware of the abuse. If they do notice warning signs, they often either don’t make the association to abuse or feel uncomfortable broaching the topic.

As I began to process what I’d been through and learned to confide my experience to loved ones, some of them expressed a sense of guilt. Depending on the person, they either felt shame for failing to see the warning signs, or because they’d noticed signs and didn’t know how to discuss them with me. Many said they thought…