How To Deal With An Identity Crisis
And the REAL underlying problem…
How do you deal with an identity crisis if you don’t even know you have one?
Lately, I’ve been struggling to find words that express how I feel. It’s a slightly unnerving situation because I don’t really know how I feel. Or at least, I have never felt like this before and that makes it slightly scary. What’s funny, is that I am actually happy. I am really really happy. Obviously not 100% of the time, but certainly the vast majority. And that’s very different to what most of my life has been like, so this is completely new territory for me.
I think the best way I can explain it is to say I was a depressed, angry and anxious guy. Going through life acting out the role of “the victim of circumstance” (unknowingly). And although my life has been great — full of love and experiences — there was always this underlying negative tension trying to break through and put a damper on the periods I felt happy. Almost as if my subconscious wouldn’t allow me to stay happy.
The difference now is those roles have been reversed. Which means even when I feel upset, sad, anxious, fearful or any other negative emotion, there is a calming sense of positivity pushing through, not allowing me to stay in negative emotion for too long. I cannot even begin to describe what a difference that has made to my life. I am beyond grateful. Of course, it didn’t just happen out of the blue — I had to work to make it happen.
It’s strange though. From an outsider’s point of view, looking back over the years, it would probably seem as if I’ve had the most incredible life! Which is not untrue … however when it comes to depression and anxiety, that just isn’t how it works. You can have the most amazing life, never having to struggle or “worry” about anything, and still be miserable and feel unworthy.
Interestingly, I’ve come to learn that the underlying issue for most people — whatever the problem they’re facing — is the feeling of not being good enough, whether they are aware of it or not. The problem is it’s something we “learn” growing up, and therefore becomes part of our identities as adults.
The manifestation of feeling unworthy shows up differently in all of us, physically, emotionally, or both. Unfortunately, when these things happen we tend to try and medicate our way out of the symptoms, rather than facing and dealing with the actual problem.
For me, it developed into a pretty severe identity crisis, starting with symptoms of anxiety, depression, stomach problems and fatigue. I realised that at no point in my life had I developed my own personality or discovered who I was. I had fallen into the trap of following the norms of society and had never taken control or set my own intentions for what I wanted out of life. Not an easy thing to uncover.
In the beginning, I tried to ignore it and move on as if nothing was wrong, telling myself that society knows best and everything happens for a reason — completely relieving responsibility for my own life. Needless to say, that didn’t work out.
When you realise something isn’t quite right, you must do the work to fix it.
If you don’t, it will only get worse — maybe not initially, but it cannot be escaped long term.
So, as I sit here and reminisce on my journey, a few key points come to mind on how I dealt with my identity crises and more importantly, the underlying issue of feeling “not good enough”.
It all starts with knowing…
The first time I realised something was wrong was when I had my first panic attack going through security in London’s Heathrow Airport. Please do not make the same mistake as me and wait until something similar or worse happens to you. Of course, I could claim that I had no idea something was wrong until that moment, but the truth is I had many pointers along the way, indicating to me — actually screaming at me — that things were not quite right. I ignored them and I paid the price.
Unfortunately, many of us do. We ignore all the signs. You don’t have to know exactly what the problem is, but you can usually tell in your gut when something isn’t right, and when that happens you better listen.
In all the work I have been doing in the past 10 years, both personally and in helping others, I have learned that you must become aware of the underlying issue (not the symptoms) before you can begin to fix them. This is often incredibly hard work, because it requires you to look inwards. Which can be terrifying, as you don’t quite know what you might uncover. For some people it might even be too painful.
Nevertheless, if you want to recover, get better and grow as a human being, the work is essential.
Creating an awareness of the fundamental problem is a journey in and of itself and it takes time. For some it requires digging through many layers of discomfort and for others, less so. This does not mean spending all your time going through your past experiences, re-connecting with the emotional responses to those experiences. It simply means becoming aware of your inner dialogue and your reactions to the current circumstances around you, and looking at them objectively, without judgment.
Your past may well determine your present thought patterns and experience however, it most certainly does not have to determine your future. You have a choice!
For the vast majority of people, this means slowing down the pace of life and creating some space and time for yourself. A seemingly simple yet difficult task for most, with so many daily commitments to work, family, social life, social media, etc. Yet how can you expect to know your “true” self when your attention is constantly elsewhere and not with yourself?
The fastest way to do this, is to create a mindfulness practice which can be in the form of meditation, breathing exercises, grounding, body scans, listening to music, playing music, nature walks, yoga and many more. There are countless practices to try. Start slow, experiment and find something that works for you.
Know thyself…
I kept telling myself it was too late. That I was too old and if I changed paths now I would have wasted so much time. NONSENSE! I was in my late twenties, and I was being foolish.
How well do you know yourself? I mean really, truly, deeply know yourself? What are your core values and beliefs? What makes you truly happy? What brings meaning and purpose to your life? What makes you come alive?
Those were some of the questions I started asking myself, and I had absolutely no idea. Daunting, yet essential. Essential because without this intimate personal knowledge, how could you possibly know whether your actions and behaviours are hurting you or serving you?
For some, this means starting over— as it did for me — or it can mean making slight adjustments to your current circumstances. Or, if you are one of the “lucky” few, maybe no change is required at all. Regardless, wouldn’t you like to know?
Even if you don’t “suffer” from an identity crisis, or anything else for that matter, it’s always good to check in with yourself on a regular basis — if only just to make sure everything is still ok. Humans are ever-changing organic beings whether you like it or not, and staying in tune with yourself ensures you don’t cross your personal boundaries and preserve your integrity.
There is no better time than the present to get to know yourself on a deeper level — it is NEVER too late!
If you discover you are out of balance with, or violating your personal constitution, acknowledge it, realign yourself, and move on.
Pushing through resistance…
As if learning about yourself isn’t hard enough — don’t give in!
I was ecstatic! I finally had expert knowledge about my myself — my deepest desires and fears — and I was ready to change, ready to live again.
Resistance!
The habitual nature of human beings is such that even when trying to make the smallest of changes, your mind and body will push back and make it as uncomfortable as possible to stop you in the process. Resistance shows up in many different ways — procrastination, “logical” thinking, avoidance, fear, over-analysing, physical pain, and many more. You must persist and push through this resistance.
What’s the danger if you don’t? You get stuck with the knowledge that you are in a less than ideal situation, yet you feel powerless to change it — it’s just too hard. Say hello to self-loathing.
This is the point of no return.
I had to learn it the hard way. I went back to a job that I knew was not right for me — different company, same story. Just because you are good at something, does not mean it’s your “destiny”. Once again, I had to pay the price. What finally ended it was a two-week streak of constant anger, resentment and anxiety.
Fool me once…
Once you know you’re on the wrong path, you must change course and keep going. Please do not turn back! It will only create more misery and self-hatred. Can you learn to live with it? Absolutely! Many people do and they suffer the consequences. In fact, most people settle for less than they deserve. I wish nothing more than for all of us to have everything we could ever desire.
The trick here is to know exactly what it is you want (rather than focusing on what you don’t want). And then you have to be willing to let it go and trust that it will happen — that it will come to you at the exact right time. If you can do that, wonderful things will happen.
It may take time, but isn’t everything you want worth the wait?
Acceptance…
Strange as it may sound, getting what you want and achieving your dreams can be rather overwhelming. This is the position I currently find myself in and as I already mentioned, it feels rather unnerving yet wonderfully fulfilling.
It’s easy to get overwhelmed, but that is just another form of resistance that comes from the question we all ask ourselves: am I worthy of all this? Whatever “this” is for the individual.
The answer is always a resounding YES! We are all worthy and deserving of the things we want. Once we can learn to accept that this is in fact true, life becomes much more enjoyable.
