Seeking Approval From Others Derives From Self Doubt
And self-doubt is a result of some form of fear
A person who is internally driven does not have the need to get approval from others. It is only when a person has self-doubt that he becomes incapable of leading life on his own and needs others to guide him. The other people who guide him may not be of his character type and that would lead the person to cater to their whims and fancies in order to get their approval.
Every person is unique
There cannot be one rule that can govern every individual on this planet. Everyone is unique and should have the liberty to lead a life in his own manner. Forcing a particular behavior on a person who has different tendencies might result in the person losing faith in himself.
When anyone loses his own ability to lead life then it causes him to attach to others for guidance and approval.
Example: Shyam is a masculine person who grew up in a conservative society. He had sexual tendencies since his childhood but society didn’t approve of it. Thus he was filled with self-doubt and looked toward feminine men for guidance. He felt that following the path of feminine men would cause him to detach himself from his own tendencies and fit well in society.
The lack of self-acceptance and unable to freely live life-based on what felt natural to Shyam caused him to always seek approval from feminine men. Both of them differed in their character type and hence would not gel together. In spite of that Shyam clung to those people as he feared that if he let himself run loose then it would cause havoc in his life.
Whenever the feminine men would make fun of him, Shyam would get overly affected. He always tried to be like them but his natural tendencies didn’t allow him to be like them. This caused him to be under constant stress.
Thus, we see that whenever a person has self-doubt, he will attach himself to those who fit his false belief. It is an evolutionary mechanism to stay together with society. But I think the time has come to let people be free to be who they are and not have any universal standard of correct behavior.
How to bring about change?
The focus of the person who has self-doubt will be incidents from his past where he was unable to impress other people. Such a person should apply the process of catharsis to remove the emotional charge associated with the incidents in his life where he felt fearful. After the emotional charge is removed then he should work upon the belief that was responsible for the creation of the fear in the first place.
Human beings are meant to be happy and if there is any belief that curbs his natural instincts and causes him to have self-rejection then in my opinion that belief is wrong and needs to be replaced with a better belief.
After internalizing the new belief the person should bring to focus on the inner child and grant him all the confidence to lead his life in his own manner. The inner child should trust that he can follow his heart.
“Doing so shall shift the focus from other people to himself. He no longer will give importance to others and shall have a great sense of self-worth.”
Example: Shyam was fed up with his life as throughout his life he wanted to get approval from feminine men. His fear that having sexual urges would negatively impact his life made him have self-doubt and not trust himself for leading his own life.
Shyam then applied the process of catharsis and removed all the emotional charges from incidents where he felt fearful of having sexual urges. Thereafter he changed his belief that every person is unique and there is nothing to be ashamed of. He should lead his life in his own manner and have feelings of happiness for having those desires.
After changing the belief Shyam brought to focus his inner child and gave it the confidence to trust himself. He suddenly saw a big shift in his focus.
“Earlier he would remember other feminine men and their rejections but now those people suddenly vanished from his psyche and his focus shifted to himself. He valued himself more and was less bothered about others’ opinions.”
Conclusion
Our subconscious mind focuses on other people’s rejection till the time we do not address the root cause i.e. self-doubt in us. Using catharsis and refinement of the inner child when we accept ourselves of who we actually are and try to lead a life on our own terms and conditions then the focus shifts from incidents involving other people to just being focused on ourselves. You cannot convince people of other character types and it is futile to change yourself in order to get their approval. Just have trust in yourself and have a great sense of self-worth so that you can lead your life in a manner that makes you happy.
