Wandering through a Year of Unemployment
Spiritual reflections from a still-unemployed English teacher
Hi Tiffany,
We appreciate your support these past two years. We consolidated all of the part-time positions so we don’t have any vacancies at this point in time.
I got that email a year ago, and I’ve been unemployed ever since. I’m a teacher, and like most educators, I derive great meaning from what I do. I had 12 years of teaching under my belt in the San Francisco Bay Area before my husband and I moved to San Diego for his career.
To my surprise, the teaching profession down here is ridiculously impacted. God provided me with part-time, temporary teaching gigs for two years. And then nothing.
I was living the #UnemploymentLife six months before COVID sent millions more people my way. If you’re one of those people, I’m so sorry.
Hurled from the Mountaintop
Back when I started college, I knew exactly what I wanted. My dream was at the peak of a cliche mountaintop, and I at the foot. The sky was clear, and I could see my goal and the entire path that led up to it. A college counselor even gave me a customized map to get there. My progress was measurable and encouraging and motivated me to keep going.
As planned, I arrived at that mountaintop five years later, and spent the next 14 years making a home for myself as a teacher. Sure, there were plenty of thunder and lightening storms, but it was a rewarding, meaningful place to be.
And then unemployment barged in and flung me off the cliff. I went tumbling downhill and landed in scratchy brush. I sat in the dirt, paralyzed by the shock of it all. I opened my eyes to nothing but thick, white fog. I could barely see my own hand in front of my face.
My breathinng quickened, my heart pounded, and like the visibility, my mind went blank. I felt the panic rise:
Where am I? How do I get back? Where am I supposed to go?
I felt the insides of my pockets, only to realize their emptiness — no map, no phone, no navigation.
Soul-searching During Unemployment
That’s sort of what I feel like, professionally. Being unemployed for a year has made me ask:
- What is my purpose?
- Who am I? How tightly is my value tied to what I do?
- Do I have anything valuable to offer the world anymore?
- What do I do with myself — like, literally — during the day?
The “Right Answers”
I can tell you the “good Christian answers” to all of those questions. If you’re a fellow believer, you probably can too.
What is my purpose? To walk through life with Jesus, growing in love for God and others.
Who am I? I am a child of God, beloved. Protected by the One who gave His life to redeem mine. My value is not tied to what I do; it’s tied to who I know.
Do I have anything valuable to offer the world? I do, because God is so good that He involves us in His grand redemptive plan.
What am I supposed to do with myself? Spend time with God. Pray ceaselessly. Rejoice in the Lord always. Serve His Church. Share His hope with the world. Use the gifts He’s given me.
If you’re anything like me, you’re rolling your eyes at those answers. While they are true, they aren’t real. They are idealistic. We are humans, after all.
My Human Answers
By default, I am a doer, and I tend to evaluate my worthiness according to my actions. My anxiety disorder often augments this, and makes me feel like I have to earn God’s approval. Deep down, I know I could never be good enough for God, no matter how desperately I might try to win His approval.
When it hit me that my unemployment was long-term, I found myself in an identity crisis:
Am I a writer? A teacher? Neither? Then what am I? Without those, I have nothing to offer God. I don’t know what to do with myself! I’m so empty-handed! (In that season, I wrote this.)
The truth is that I have nothing to offer God either way — employed or not.
He gives and takes away. He gave me 14 years of ministering to teens in public high school classrooms. He took that away (Temporarily? TBD). He didn’t do it because He’s cruel or bored or curious, but because He cares more about my heart than He does my productivity.
Through the process, He drilled even deeper into my heart the truth that I am His daughter. Period. That is my worth. Not what I have to offer — not teaching or leading or writing or even loving. Not my exhausting attempts to get his approval. Just like a good parent, He loves me and is proud of me because I am His, not because I do impressive or worthy things “for” Him.
One step at a time to God knows where.
After I absorbed the shock from my fall and grieved the lack of students in my life, I stood up slowly on that misty mountainside. I felt the Holy Spirit nudge me to move. So I shuffled one tiny step forward, whichever way that was. The floating droplets skimmed my face and I planted my feet on a slightly different patch of moist ground. I took another step into the fog.
I’ve learned that as long as I take it one step at a time — one day at a time — I will complete the journey Jesus has called me on. Unlike the professional pursuit of my 20’s, it turns out that right now, I don’t need to know exactly where I’m going — I just need to know He is with me. The fog has nothing on Him.
That’s what faith is, I think. An attempt to walk faithfully with Jesus, one day at a time, not knowing where we are or where we’re headed, but rejoicing (not necessarily being “happy”)— in some strange way — because He is with us.
Hope
I want to remind you that while your path may not be as clear as it used to be, and while you may be stuck in an unfamiliar, muddy rut, you’re still on your path, and you are still “God’s handiwork, created in Christ Jesus to do good works, which God prepared beforehand so that [you] would walk in them.” (Eph. 2:10)
Your path extends. It’s just bending or going through a foggy patch. Maybe there’s some extra anxiety or depression because you can’t see where it’s headed. That’s okay. Pour out your heart to Him. Know that Jesus is with you, and He is the strongest, and the most loving. Seek out the people He’s given you to help you bear your burdens (Gal. 6:2). The journey continues, my friend. I promise.
Daily Bread for the Journey
As for living one day at a time, it’s easier said than done. For that reason, I want to share with you some words that have helped me shift my focus a little bit from the destination to the journey, and the nearness of God in it.
C.S. Lewis, who lived under the constant threat of attack in WWII Europe, wrote,
Happy work is best done by the man who takes his long-term plans somewhat lightly and works from moment to moment ‘as to the Lord.’ It is our daily bread we are encouraged to ask for.
And speaking of daily bread, that’s what God gave the Israelites as they wandered through the desert wilderness. He told Moses,
I will rain down bread from heaven for you. The people are to go out each day and gather enough for that day. (Ex. 16:4a)
The people of Israel called the bread manna. It was white like coriander seed and tasted like wafers made with honey. (Ex. 16:31)
If the Israelites gathered more than one day’s worth of manna, it quickly went bad. I think this speaks to God’s desire for us to fully trust and depend on Him, every day. He wants us to notice His provision and His love for us. He wants to develop His relationship with us. And that is exactly what we need during unemployment — trust.
I could write far too many more things, but I’ll close with one last thing: Take Martin Luther King’s words to heart.
For me, this has looked like slowly writing my book, Anxious with Jesus. It also looks like studying to get my second credential (Social Science), so that I can become more marketable. But other days it looks like multiple anxiety attacks, or barely mustering the motivation for a simple walk.
Practice self-care, friends. Give yourself grace. It isn’t easy. Jesus Himself acknowledges that “each day has enough trouble of its own.” Draw near to Him and the people He’s given you. And remember,
The Lord is close to the brokenhearted
and saves those who are crushed in spirit. (Ps. 34:18)
Writing this post has been one step forward. Let’s keep moving forward, my friends, as God directs our paths. ❤
