10 Lamentations of The Bipolar Mind
By The Virtuous One.
This piece follows up a previous, well-received description of what it’s like inside my bipolar mind. Now, this is the other side of the fence, so to speak. My Lamentations. Full disclosure — if you’re turned off by spirituality-themed stuff (and also, if you would rather not broaden your horizons 🤗🤗), then please, by all means, go check out one of the other run-of-the-mill articles on this fabulous website.
- Gosh, where do I begin? I can’t talk about my Faith without sounding overly gassed up. Or paranoid. Or uncool. I just can’t figure out how to say what I wanna say. I want to work in God’s cause. I’m trying to help people see. But…
- To be frank, the roller-coaster of emotions, swinging from the certainty of my conviction, to resignation at the ultimate futility of this enterprise — it just makes me want to call it a wrap. I’ve had enough. Enough mental stress. Yeah, I couldn’t do it — I couldn’t change the world for the sake of Faith. Why on earth should I be so bothered? Yeah, I’m giving up on my somewhat noble ambitions. It sounded good while I was spewing it.
- I really don’t know. I’m just tired. The worst thing is, I don’t even know what would help. How could I overcome this? What must I do? If I knew the answer, I would do it in a heartbeat. But I don’t.
“Equanimity”, says a tiny voice.
- I try to be inclusive of perspectives when I convey my thoughts. I’m a righteous advocate. But something bothers me. Believers have always been advised to be wary of the so-called religious “reformers.” So how do you know when you’ve crossed the threshold from nobility into fanciful invention? I’d love to figure out how to separate wishful thinking from proper counsel. There are always ideas in my head. But which ones are pure? And which are from the conniving whisperer?
- It all makes me very reticent about expressing any opinion. My heart feels as though this generation, while not governed by different rules than any of the preceding ones, should be brought into the spiritual fold using modern doctrines that would be more suitable to the times. So we can save more lives. “Heresy!” scream the purists. “Who do you think you are to lecture us?” “He doth blaspheme!” I mean, do I need to state the obvious? This is kind of what happened to Jesus (pbuh*).
- Anyway, I’m just not comfortable going there. I don’t trust my own intentions, I’m not perfect, and I’d rather play things safe. I am not a prophet, nor do I wish to be. Muhammad (pbuh), the Seal of the Prophets, was the last one of those.
- My compassion is genuine. People need to be educated. But I can’t come and kill myself or go mental again over this stuff. No chance.
- In the cold light of day, perhaps I haven’t been diligent enough with my spiritual growth. Is that what’s leading to my lack of trust in myself? I haven’t done enough?
“Not so”, that tiny voice says. “Your effort is sincere and appreciated.”
- Hmmph. Alright. Back to basics. In the end, God always backs his servants. Always. He multiplies their efforts. I trust that. So, after bitching a little, I push on. I’ll get the juice needed to navigate this quagmire. I’ll do the painstaking research. I’ll be patient. And I’ll deliver my message, with aplomb. Equanimity, guys! God always comes through. He’s never let me down thus far. And like He recounted to Muhammad (pbuh), God did clear Jesus (pbuh) of the lies and falsehoods perpetrated against him by the hypocritical purists. Thus, regardless of the rancor and contention that exists between ideologies in the present day, borne out of the intrinsic exploitative and competitive nature of humans, believers will attain salvation through both ministries (and many others). For it is written. Indeed, God is the Best of Planners, the Unfathomable Strategist. He foils the plots of the corrupt, though, in their wicked folly, they might not perceive it.
- The road ahead of me is not promised to be paved and smooth. But I ain’t no bitch-ass nigga. I must always keep the destination in mind. With hardship, goes ease. Selah!
*pbuh- Peace be upon him.
Outro: Never Let Me Down — Kanye West, JAY-Z, J. Ivy (ad-libs in parentheses by El_virtuosito)
We are all here for a reason on a particular path (preach!),
You don’t need a curriculum to know that you’re a part of the math,
Cats think I’m delirious, but I’m so damn serious (like a heart attack!),
That’s why I expose my soul to the globe; the world,
I’m trying to make it better for these little boys and girls,
I’m not just another individual (nuh-uh),
My spirit is a part of this that’s why I get spiritual (tell ’em J!),
But I get my hymns from Him,
So it’s not me, it’s He that’s lyrical,
I’m not a miracle, I’m a heaven-sent instrument (damn right!),
My rhythmatic regiment navigates melodic notes,
For your soul and your mental (sheesh!),
That’s why I’m instrumental, vibrations is what I’m into,
Yeah, I need my loot by rent day (gimme the loot!),
But that ain’t what gives me the heart of Kunta Kinte (black power!),
I’m trying to get us “us free” like Cinque,
I can’t stop (ever!), that’s why I’m hot (MIMS!),
Determination, dedication, motivation (perspiration!),
I’m talking to you of my many inspirations,
When I say I can’t let you or self-down,
If I were on the highest cliff, on the highest riff,
And if you slipped off the side and clinched on to your life,
In my grip, I would never ever let you down (I gatchu b!),
And when these words are found,
Let it be known that God’s penmanship has been signed,
With a language called love,
That’s why my breath is felt by the deaf,
And while my words are heard and confined to the ears of the blind,
I too dream in color and in rhyme (it’s so vivid!),
So I guess I’m one of a kind in a full house (I’m bad y’all!),
’Cause whenever I open my heart, my soul or my mouth,
A touch of God reigns out. (mic drops).
There are many layers to the bipolar mind. To discover a few of them, check out my other pieces at https://medium.com/@thevirtuousone. It all adds up to a fascinating portrait, if I dare say so myself. Leave a comment if you are so inclined. Thanks, reader!
