Cultivating Positive Relationships with Your Kids
Tips for building meaningful relationships that last beyond childhood
One of the overarching themes demonstrated over and over again during the past year is, relationships are one of the most important things we have. Brene Brown states,
“Connection is why we are here. We are hardwired to connect with others, it’s what gives purpose and meaning to our lives, and without it there is suffering”.
I have yet to meet a parent who does not want a positive relationship with their child. As a marriage and family therapist, I have met many families who have the best intentions of having positive relationships but sometimes reality just does not match their aspirations. With the correct adjustments, I believe families can experience meaningful connections through positive relationships.
The Benefits of Positive Relationships
We enter one of the most important relationships shortly after birth. The relationship we have with our parents shapes our views of the world and ourselves. The rules and values we take from the relationship provide a blueprint for the future.
The quality of the attachment within the parent/child relationship varies greatly and researchers categorized the attachment into four different styles: (1) Ambivalent attachment; (2) Avoidant attachment; (3) Disorganized attachment; and (4) Secure attachment.
Parents who provide their children with a secure attachment often describe their relationship as positive. There are many benefits for children who experience a secure attachment and many research studies have documented the positive outcomes. The Minnesota Longitudinal Study of Parents and Children, a study aimed at looking at attachment patterns, found the following benefits of secure attachment:
(1) A greater sense of self-agency; (2) Better emotional regulation; (3) Higher self-esteem; (4) Better coping under stress; (5) More positive engagement in the preschool peer group; (6) Closer friendships in middle childhood; (7) Better coordination of friendships and social groups in adolescence; (8) More trusting, non-hostile romantic relationships in adulthood; (9) Greater social competence; (10) More leadership qualities; (11) Happier and better relationships with parents and siblings; and (12) Greater trust in life.
Having a positive relationship with your child looks different throughout childhood. However, common themes enhance attachment and provide the basis for the relationship to grow.
Secure Environment
The basis for any relationship is security. Without feeling secure, the relationship will not grow. Providing security in the parent/child relationship entails a lot of elements. On the basic level, parents must fulfill their child’s basic needs for healthy food, a place to sleep, and age-appropriate activities. However, creating a secure environment is more complex than fulfilling a child’s basic needs.
On a deeper level, providing a secure environment requires boundaries. Boundaries create predictability and structure, both of which help children feel secure. Krissy Pozatek, MSW and author of 4 Reasons It’s Important For Parents To Set Healthy Boundaries With Kids, states,
“Secure boundaries set by the parent (not negotiated by the child) reduce anxiety. Rules and routines like meal times, bed times, homework time, chores, and screen time — that are set and monitored by the parent — create predictability in a child’s life. Predictability reduces uncertainty, and that reduces anxiety.”
She goes on to say children who negotiate a later bed-time lose their sense of security because it allows the child to feel he or she has more power than the adult. The most common area I find families need assistance in setting boundaries is with technology. This is a big topic and there is no clear answer as to what boundary is appropriate for your child. If you would like to learn more read my article, Growing Up in A Digital Age: Guidelines For Families.
Also, for more ideas on how to set age-appropriate boundaries, read 10 Ways to Establish Clear Boundaries For Children.
Emotions
Emotions are a part of everyone’s life and kids experience many emotions. Empathizing with your child’s emotions with validation and no judgment (positive or negative) creates safety in the relationship. It also provides an opportunity for your child to feel understood and heard.
Emotional expression changes throughout a child’s life. Younger children need more assistance from their parents in creating a space for sharing and coping with emotions. This is referred to as co-regulation. Zero to Three, the publisher of It Takes Two: The Role of Co-Regulation in Building Self-Regulation Skills, states,
“Co-regulation is defined as warm and responsive interactions that provide the support, coaching, and modeling children need to understand, express, and modulate their thoughts, feelings, and behavior.”
Helping your child co-regulate emotions is the first step in creating independence in healthy emotional expression. However, even emotionally independent children will not always express their feelings in the best way. This is when boundary setting comes into play. Daniel Siegel states,
“Say yes to the feelings, even as you say no to the behavior.”
For example, if your child is angry and decides to hit the family dog you might say, “Being angry is okay, but hitting is not okay.” This sets an important boundary. Once the child has time to calm down, revisit what happened and talk about alternative ways to express the emotion. This is how children learn to experience and express emotions.
Helping kids express all emotions creates a strong connection and paves the path for conversations on any topic throughout your child’s life. Talking about hard and easy subjects is a sign you and your child have a strong relationship.
Sometimes parents have a hard time when their child is feeling a certain way. I often hear parents say, “I just don’t like to see her sad”. Remember, sadness is a normal emotion and important to experience at all ages. If you have a hard time seeing your child feel certain ways or if you feel triggered by your child’s emotions, consider talking with a spouse, friend, or therapist. Parents' emotional functioning sets the stage for their children’s emotional functioning.
Quality Time
Quality time is a vital component in a strong relationship. Dr. Wayne Dyer, author, states:
“Each day we make deposits in the memory banks of our children.”
Children remember and crave the quality time they share with their parents. When engaging in quality time with your child, aim to participate in enjoyable activities together. If you do not know what that is, have your child show you something they are interested in. Or make a daily ritual of having dinner together. You could even go out together once a week for a treat. For more ideas, check out 20 Ways to Spend Quality Time With Kids.
During quality time focus on being physically, mentally, and emotionally present. Remove all distractions. If you find your brain running a million miles an hour, consider adding mindfulness into your daily life. Mindfulness can also be a fun way to spend time with your child.
Acceptance
I have a 15-month-old son. Sometimes I find myself validating him when he does activities that I value. For example, along with being a marriage and family therapist, I am a music therapist and I love playing the piano. I find myself giving my son more positive reinforcement when he’s playing piano than when he’s doing other activities. You might be wondering, “How does this relate to acceptance?” When I validate and cheer him on for something because I’m interested in it, I may be missing out on validating him for something that he really likes. This means I could be missing out on accepting a part of him that makes him unique.
According to Sharon Harding, the author of The Powerful Gift of Acceptance In Your Family,
“When we accept our children…we are saying: You are enough, I value you, and I love you just as you are.”
Before accepting children, parents must know who they are. Observing your child and allowing them to take the lead will allow you to get to know them. Also, children constantly change and what they were into last year may no longer fit into the current version of who they are. Focus on flexibility and acceptance and have conversations about what made them decide to change.
No one is perfect and there will be times when something happens to rupture your relationship with your child. Focus on repairing the rupture. Modeling this will help your kids see that part of a positive relationship includes taking responsibility for your actions and offering and accepting forgiveness. Creating a secure environment, empathizing with emotions, focusing on quality time, and practicing acceptance will help cultivate a positive relationship with your child founded on a secure attachment.
