Mental Health
Heads Up, Social Anxiety: Mistakes Lead to Greater Self-Awareness
Here’s what you need to know about the Johari Window, and why you should value authenticity over being ‘right’
“I never make the same mistake twice. I make it five or six times, just to be sure.”
Making mistakes is my jam. If I had a collection of all the terrible dates I’ve endured, all the job applications I’ve bungled, and all the courses I’ve struggled to finish, I’d have a menagerie of mistakes fit for the Queen of England. I’d never run out of material; the archive never stops growing.
My social anxiety makes it difficult for me to feel at ease among friends, but I’m learning to accept my social faux pas in stride. My over-idealistic worldview hides blind spots that make it difficult for me to gain confidence amidst uncertainty, but I’m learning to accept my flaws with grace. Still, I often wonder where all these minor blunders will take me.
I make mistakes. I procrastinate. I spill my coffee in the middle of Zoom Meetings. I tease a friend and instantly regret it when I see the hurt on their face. I hit ‘reply all’ and suffer the consequences. Isn’t it better to be right all the time?
Mistakes Were Made to Let Go
It isn’t always easy to move on from mistakes and accept that these are part of my self-awareness journey, necessary errors that help me better define my personality and how I interact with others.
Life with social anxiety gets better, I promise. True, I’d still rather hide from social obligations (yes, even virtual ones!) But the more I enter authentic conversations with people who think differently than I do, the better I understand my blind spots and triggers. Maybe you barely finished the week without succumbing to negative self-talk:
You woke up late.
I wouldn’t have said that if I were you.
They must hate me …for borrowing their paper towels? Or taking the wrong freeway exit? Because you wouldn’t grab martinis on a Tuesday?
I’m not so sure any of these worries hold weight. Would you criticize a friend for setting boundaries, getting a little bit lost, or making a simple mistake?
I didn’t think so.
Even big mistakes were made to let go. Past decisions help us grow into our best selves. Errors are nearly always endurable and educational. Chances are, your friends and colleagues are a little anxious about making mistakes as well.
Talking with people — and especially making mistakes in front of others — helps us along our self-awareness journey. It helps us plan for future decisions. It also uncovers our blind spots.
The Johari Window
Take a look at this tool called the Johari Window, which helps explain why discussing slip-ups and not-so-healthy behaviors with others helps you uncover your blind spots.
Each quadrant of the Johari Window represents a different part of our personality that is either known to us, or known to others.
The arena describes who you are when you’re alone or when you’re around people with whom you can share your authentic self. When we show others our authentic personality, we feel seen. We’ll talk more about authenticity later, but heads up: it’s important.
Often, we don’t show strangers our authentic selves. We create a persona or façade that helps us navigate stressful social situations, which works well in the short-term. But if you’ve ever worked a job that requires ‘excellent customer service’ and an always-chipper persona, you know that creating a false image for the sake of professionalism is exhausting. When you only show others your façade, you’re trying to hide something that only you know (for example, that you’re using all your willpower not to quit your job today) You hide your true self so that this private information remains hidden to others (like your boss who would be happier thinking that you love serving funnel cakes all day, every day.) Personas are great for getting through tricky or unpleasant situations, but they’re often not useful for self-discovery or connecting with others.
Blind spots, on the other hand, are something that other people know about you that you might have overlooked. Last week, my roommate mentioned that I never look people in the eyes. I had no clue I avoided eye contact in most of our conversations. Suddenly I couldn’t stop noticing this mistake. I hadn’t noticed this behavior before, and I needed someone else to point out this blind spot before I could work on my communication skills.
Finally, the unknown describes parts of your identity that neither you nor others have yet discovered. It’s exciting to delve into the unknown… and also a little scary. Unknown parts of your authentic personality might be situational:
How do you react in a crisis?
Do you take the lead when solving conflicts?
Do you enjoy eating squid?
How do you behave in the bedroom?
Exploring your arena, facades, blind spots and the unknown takes time, but it helps to start learning more about yourself by engaging in conversations with others. When you interact with other people, you uncover blind spots and often explore the unknown. This self-discovery can be both refreshing and uncomfortable, and this discomfort is what drives much of the social anxiety you feel when stumbling into deep conversations. It’s important to remember that gaining self-awareness is an ongoing process and that it’s perfectly fine to make mistakes when exploring unknown parts of yourself.
Chances are, good friends can learn from your self-discovery as well.
Because your self-awareness journey is never over, these parts of your personality aren’t set in stone. Communication Theory argues that the more you share your authentic personality with others and agree to uncover your hidden self, the more dynamic relationships you have and the happier you become.
As you uncover blind spots and step into more authentic communication, your arena or true self takes center stage. You no longer need a façade to mask your social anxiety. You no longer need to hide your mistakes.
Authenticity is the best feeling in the world. But you have to be willing to face your flaws before you can understand what being ‘authentic’ means to you.
Learning From Your Blind Spots
The Johari Window is a great tool for understanding how we interact with and learn from others, but how do we put it to good use?
The short answer? You should strive to make as many mistakes as possible.
When we learn from our errors, we better understand ourselves. We explore how we react to unfamiliar tasks, relationships, and crises. We use what we’ve learned to avoid past blunders and adapt to future challenges.
I often worry that make the same mistakes over and over, but my actions differ slightly from failure to failure. And the outcomes change every time I make a different gaffe. That’s still a step in the right direction.
I have a problem.
Every semester I get a new idea. I begin a new hobby or volunteer opportunity and I invest time into learning new skills. The problem? I often think starting something new will be easy.
One night when I struggled to complete a mountain of overdue Russian homework, my friend showed me one of my blind spots: I don’t actually enjoy learning Russian.
I want the benefits of having already learned Russian.
My friend had shown me a blind spot that made me question my entire college journey. My cheeks flushed. It was discouraging to realize that I had thought learning a new language would be easy. It was even more embarrassing to see how I reacted to my friend’s critique. I flatly denied their concerned observation and hurried away in a fuming cloud of uncertainty and regret.
Do I regret that time I spent learning Russian grammar? Not really. I learned that I don’t especially enjoy attending college-level language courses. Perhaps most important, I learned to ask why I wanted to learn a new language in the first place. And I learned that sometimes, I need others to point out my mistakes so that I can move in a direction that helps me grow into a better student and a better person.
Each new error I make always super unsettling. Even as my social anxiety improves, I struggle not to get defensive when other people lovingly point out my slip-ups.
I moved back to the city during COVID
I knew that I get anxious living around other people my age. I knew that it’s difficult to concentrate in shared housing. I knew living with strangers is a recipe for interpersonal conflict. I knew I’d encounter blind spots, and I wasn’t sure if I wanted to confront my errors. But despite worrying about how I would manage to live in a new shared location, I chose to live around others. I chose to acknowledge my misgivings and step out of my comfort zone anyway.
I’m willing to explore my blind spots and uncharted territory.
Looking through my journal, it’s clear the last few months have been a mess. But I’m glad I decided to move back to the city and write down the blunders I’ve made along the way. I can see when others uncovered my blind spots. When I hurt people. How I can improve. And I don’t regret the time I’ve spent here because living with other people has helped me realize that self-discovery is a never-ending process.
When I enter into a difficult conversation or struggle to understand others’ points of view, my blind spots dissipate. But they’re never truly gone.
By making the same mistakes in slightly different ways, you too can better prepare for the unexpected. Even with a little social anxiety, you can choose to embrace your faux pas for the learning opportunities they are. You will learn to approach your blind spots with curiosity. You can learn to question your blunders. You decide what behaviors to change moving forward. You slip out of your façade and into something a little more authentic. You grow.
All in due time.
Your self-awareness journey is never over. I wish you luck as you embark on the road to self-discovery — may your social anxiety lessen. May you uncover blind spots.
And may you make many mistakes along the way.
