There Is More To You Than Just Your Trauma
I had a traumatic childhood.
My father, a dealer and an addict, was at best emotionally neglectful. At worst, he put me into situations that exposed me to dangerous people who took advantage of me.
This left me dealing with a plethora of mental health concerns: namely anxiety and depression, but also issues with the aftermath of sexual trauma.
Initially I was in survival mode, moving out of home at 15, trying to do it all on my own. I blamed him for my past as well as my mental state.
Over time, I began to identify myself as a victim of sexual assault and a sufferer of mental illness. It made up a massive part of what made me, me. This makes sense, considering most of my major life decisions up until that point had occurred due to my past.
At my worst, I was struggling with addictive tendencies, self-harming behaviour and suicidal thoughts. For the most part, I wanted to get better, but strangely, part of me didn’t.
Growing up, I never really had a solid identity. I didn’t really know who I was, where I fit in the world, or even what I enjoyed doing. My father provided little in the way of insights into me. What little attention he gave me was always centred around his passions.
So when I was finally able to connect to something (my trauma/mental illness) as well as with people who had similar issues to mine, I didn’t want to lose them. I finally had an identity, and I didn’t want to question it.
Unfortunately, my mental state kept deteriorating. One night, when I was on the verge of another bout of self-harm, I realised something. I realised that I hadn’t truly tried to recover from my past and heal.
I realised that despite seeing the therapists, doing the prescribed exercises and taking the medications, I wasn’t all in.
I was afraid.
I didn’t want to go back to a place where I had no identity. Although I was suffering, that suffering felt more comforting than the thought of the unknown.
It took some advice from a friend of mine to finally convince me to try everything. If I was considering ending it all, I may as well try everything before I do. This was the start of my true recovery.
I had to accept my past trauma and subsequent mental illness as part of who I am, but not the only part of me. There was more to me. Far more.
Over time I gradually found things that I enjoyed, aspects of my personality long hidden, and dreams that I knew I had to pursue. Through writing, competent therapy and honest introspection I was slowly able to find who I am.
This has resulted in significant changes in my life. I have quit jobs, moved houses and let go of toxic friendships. I have started new projects, and redefined my goals. Lots of change — all of which is confronting.
I still feel the pull. The allure of identifying with my trauma and mental illnesses. If I let myself, I could easily slip back into my old patterns. I could very easily use it to justify any weakness, addiction or inaction.
But I won’t. I know now that recovery is a continuous fight — both for mental stability, as well as for an identity that goes beyond trauma and its impact.
If you are struggling with the impact of trauma (or mental illness, disability, physical conditions or chronic pain), please realise that you are more than that.
I know that your condition is challenging. I know that it is debilitating. I know that you will have had to change your life significantly because of it.
But I also know that there is more to you than your trauma.
~ Zachary Phillips
Website | Twitter | Instagram | Facebook | LinkedIn | Pinterest
Ready To Start Thriving?
If you want to start living a life of fulfilment, happiness and meaning, take a look at “The Seven Life Principles That You Need To Turn Your Life Around” checklist.
