I’m Not a Snowflake, It’s Just My ADHD
This little-known symptom of ADHD can often leave a person feeling like an exposed nerve-ending after social interactions.
Let me start by describing a normal interaction with my partner, that we often had towards the start of our relationship.
He comes into the kitchen following a frustrating conversation with a family member. It was about the recent increase in flight costs, and his family’s need to have him home. The chat made him emotionally irritable at the time, but he’s moved on. I’m unaware of the conversation he has had and ask if he wants a cup of tea. He responds “no”.
To anyone else, this may seem like a harmless, typical interaction. To me, I am left with a sudden sense of confusion and fear. From the moment he walked into the room, I sensed an immediate increase in tension in his typical demeanour. Whilst most people would not have registered his tone of voice as yelling, my emotional reaction is genuine — I have picked up on the minuscule stress that he is carrying, which is exhibited both verbally and physically in tiny ways.
“Is he upset? Why is he taking it out on me? Did I do something to upset him? I haven’t done anything. How dare he be upset with me over something I haven’t done!” — an example of my inner dialogue.
What follows was a typical outcome of such interaction. In feeling his tension, I immediately respond to my sudden emotions by reflecting them back at him 10 fold. “What's wrong? What did I do? Are you ok?” I fire back at my partner with anxiety.
“Nothing” he reflects my tone back at me. He, understandably, is now also confused by my sudden increase in anxiety— as he is unaware that he was exhibiting any frustration.
Of course, my partner is correct; nothing is wrong. I’ve done nothing wrong, and he has already moved on from the conversation he had with his family. In reality, all that was there was the slightest bit of tension in his shoulders, which is something we all carry when we have things on our minds. Yet we part ways with a bitter taste in our mouths, and with no further understanding of each of our individual situations.
What has unfolded is a classic example of my hypersensitivity and yet another under-recognised symptom of ADHD.
ADHD people often do everything “hyper”
I have previously talked about under-recognised symptoms in relation to my own ADD diagnosis, such as hyper-focusing. You will notice that many ADHD tendencies begin with the prefix “hyper” — as in something that exists in the extreme (such as hyperthermia, hypermarket etc.). This is because ADHD habits are often just normal human characteristics turned up to their maximum setting.
In this case, hypersensitivity is not the typical ADHD trait we associate with the word hyper. Most people think of the hyper-active trait, as in Attention Deficit Hyperactive Disorder (ADHD). But many people, often women including myself, are actually diagnosed with the less frequently described ADD (although recently renamed to ADHD Inattentive Type, I continue to use the term ADD).
But instead of being hyper-active, I am hyper-sensitive or hyper-empathic. In any case, I am hyper aware of what is happening in the environment around me.
ADHD people struggle to filter what comes in as much as what comes out of their brains
The definition of hypersensitive is: “highly sensitive to physical (via sound, sight, touch, or smell) and/or emotional stimuli and the tendency to be easily overwhelmed by too much information.”
Of course, being overwhelmed by the emotions of daily life isn‘t unique to the ADHD person. But when someone says that an ADD person ‘lacks a filter’, that concept can go both ways. Whilst I’ve slowly learnt to control the filter that dictates what comes out of my brain (such as interrupting other people, randomly singing in public or unprompted acts of physical affection), it’s been significantly harder to filter what goes into it.
At the end of the day, you can stop yourself from speaking or moving, but you can’t stop yourself from instinctive feelings or noticing. Pretty lights, a humming noise, a subtle feeling: everything happening around me comes into my realm of awareness.
Most commonly, I am emotionally hypersensitive to the most minute tensions in someone's voice, body-language or demeanour — to a point where I become acutely affected. So, as many with ADHD might experience, I am accused of being ‘too sensitive’ or ‘too touchy’ when I try to investigate the source reason.
Being my own filter
After 8 years, my partner and I have eventually become better attuned to each other’s needs, and through improved communication of our feelings, we rarely have interactions like the above example anymore. I also have a better understanding of when I am picking up the subliminal emotions of those around me, that may not even register to the person in question, nor have anything to do with me.
Thus, over the years I have developed a ‘thicker skin’ — as I better understand the nature of typical social interactions. For example, the odd tone in my boss's voice may be a result of pressures he is under, not some frustration at my work performance I’ve made up in my head.
In doing so I have better understood how my hyper-sensitivity may fuel my anxiety, and feed into many emotional vicious cycles I can get caught up in. For example — many sensitive children exhibit abdominal cramps which could be clues to unresolved tension within a family. To this day, I still get a tummy ache as a result of familial problems, which they refuse to talk about but instead carry in their body language. But by recognising that I am picking up on these tensions as the source of my anxiety, I can take steps towards a solution.
This is by no-means a suggestion that we should dance around those with ADHD. Just as ADHD is also not a pass-card to control and take advantage of the emotions and actions of those around you. But I hope, by explaining the nature of hypersensitivity, we can understand better how and why some ADHD react the way they do.
And for those with ADHD, what I have described here is just the emotional sensitivities — hypersensitivity stretches beyond that into other, physical senses too. I myself hate being lightly stroked — something my neurotypical friend absolutely loves and finds comforting — because the sensation is far too stimulating that it overwhelms me.
But through a better understanding of these symptoms and recognising that sensitivities are part of the disorder, rather than you simply being overly emotional, will improve emotional regulation and avoid unnecessary self-criticism.
This article is my interpretation and experience of hypersensitivity. For more information please read Scattered Minds: the Origins and Healing of Attention Deficit Disorder by Gabor Maté.
