What would you say if you could speak to yourself?
I struggle with being alone.
Whenever my wife leaves for a holiday or weekend away, I get progressively more erratic. My mental health drops and I struggle to maintain functionality. She is leaving again in a few days, so unsurprisingly I am nervous.
Regular therapy is a must for me. Both as a prevention as well as a gradual cure (if such a thing is possible) for my mental health issues and past traumas. So today I made sure to address this upcoming event.
I would like to be able to be comfortable alone. To sit with my thoughts for an extended period of time and not hate myself. Meditation has helped this process, as well as other anti-anxiety methods, but ultimately I want a way to address the issues head on.
My psychologist opened with,
“What would you say if you could speak to yourself? What would you talk about? What would you think of you?”
She was driving at my struggles to accept myself, to sit with my thoughts and just be. Being the practical person that I am, I pointedly asked her what I should actually do to address it.
Writing therapy.
I am a massive advocate of writing therapy, in fact my first book was the direct result of it. So I had a good understanding of what I need to do.
When my wife is away, and I start feeling those thoughts (erratic, anxious, troubled), I am to grab a pen and notepad and just write. No filter. Just pour my thoughts onto the page, purging or cleansing the recesses of my unconscious. Then a few days later I am to revisit my writing, and ‘correct’ the piece, by pulling back on the extremities, looking over what I wrote, and changing it to how I feel then. I am to do this a few times.
I know this process will hurt, but I also know that it will be extremely therapeutic to do it. It will shine light on my hidden pain and rewrite it in a less erratic, more realistic way.
The page is the perfect listener. It doesn’t judge or talk back. It accepts you completely; if you let it.
~ Zachary Phillips
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