It was no small reason I left.
I’m not a story teller, I’m a Poet. But I find myself more and more these days wanting to write about things I know, rather than sonnets. The things I have experienced that may resonate with another. Love is one of the things I write about. Perhaps because I too, am one of the depleted ones. But I have to wonder, is that because I was born under an unlucky star? or is it because I have taught others in my life how to treat me?
I have always wondered about the phrase that we teach people how to treat us. That we are simply the victim of love and that no one loves us the way we love them. That after all is the way, to be vocal about how mistreated we are. And some of us have been, no doubt about it. If you are like me, you give far more than you have ever received. And you’re tired, you are tired of your bank account of emotions being depleted more and more, while no one is making a substantial deposit, or even a small one.
Now you are saying, that’s not true, I have always been very vocal about what I will put up with in my life, and what I won’t put up with. Okay, sure you’ve been vocal, I’ve been vocal, but more than the sounds your mouth produces in telling others where your boundaries lie, is a little thing I have been neglectful about doing, and that is actions. I can tell someone that I love until I am blue in the face about what I won’t put up with, but if I am only words, If I am only a voice regurgitating the same old thing to my partner, my friend or my co-workers, then that is ALL that I am. Just another voice in a sea of voices professing boundaries. If I don’t put my boundaries into action, then of course they are going to keep treating you and treating me in the same way as they always have. Without respect and without love, as you know it to be. And why not? If that is their core, then that is who they are.
So you say, what do I do? Just walk away? Well… maybe yes! Maybe you, the reader should do all of the things I never usually have never done. Walk away. What really is the upside of staying in a relationship that makes you feel sad every day, that makes you cry more than you smile. Where is the justification in that? Sweeping your feelings and your authenticity under the rug so you don’t hurt another person, who are you really being fair to? Certainly not yourself. And no amount of security is worth that sacrifice.
It looks pretty stark in print doesn’t it? It resonates on a level that your subconscious tells you time and time again is wrong. It grates against your being.
So, yes I do believe that we are not victims, but we are active participants in the way someone treats us.
Let me give you an example of a time in my life when I had, had enough. It was right in between my divorce and my current relationship. I remember always telling my daughter, I would never put up with what I put up with in my marriage of 20 years. No more lies, no more deceit, no more abuse. But then again, I must have put up with it over and over again for 20 years, because guess what? I stayed. I stayed through raising all of my 3 children. I stayed through the arguments and the abuse, I stayed through the Christmas Tree being thrown down in front of me all decorated. I stayed, I stayed and I stayed. One day I finally had enough. And without going into the long sad and disgusting parts of that relationship, I will suffice it to say. I left..Finally. After 20 years of marriage, I left.
You may say, well I’m a slow learner. And you know what? You’re right! Because what exactly was I learning? What exactly did I teach my children was acceptable in their lives? I hadn’t learned quick enough. I did irreparable damage to myself, and to my children. So here I am newly out of a 20 year marriage and just cannot wait to get myself back into one. First mistake.
I meet a man. I am being evicted because my ex-husband was not paying child support and my income was not enough. We move in together. I tell him my sob story. I tell him about my marriage of 20 years, I tell him more about my life than I should have. So I’ve set the stage for what I will never put up with again in my life, and I used all the words I know to hit this out of the ball park. Now, I will be treated right. Why would someone, after I poured my heart out like that hurt me?
It was one afternoon, I was home from work sick. Me and my new flame were living together, because remember I said, I was being evicted and I moved in with him after his offer to let me and the kids stay there, since after all, I was what he said, he had been looking for his entire life. Finally!, someone that loves me the way I have loved others. We shared our sad stories of how we were both not treated right. So on this day, I come out of the shower, and I notice that the answering machine was flashing a message. Yes, in the late 90’s some of us still had answering machines. I had been having a sinking feeling after only living there for a few months that something wasn’t right. You know that “gut” feeling? The one us women push down and push down, lose sleep over? the feeling that never goes away? Yes, that one. So after my rational mind lost over my intuitive senses to not give in and to check his messages, I heard it.
“Hi Chris, I just wanted to know if you are still interested in getting together like you had asked me the other day, I can’t wait to meet you.. giggle giggle giggle. I’ll be at so and so.. at this time…”
That was enough! More lies, more deceit, more of all I’ve ever known in my life. And it hurt, It hurt like hell because once again I felt like I was the one that wasn’t good enough. In my usual fashion, I would have wanted to talk it out, cry it out scream it out. Accept all of the sorry’s, let him put another band aid on just another wound. But I didn’t this time. I left. I held true to my boundaries, not only in words, but in actions. The first time in my life. I LEFT!
I found an apartment for me and my 3 kids. This was so not who I was. I didn’t just leave a relationship. I wore those battle scars like a medal, in fact I wonder on some deep seated level, was I proud of them? I nailed myself to that cross each and every day. I had endured more than anyone should since childhood, and my pain was my security as screwed up as that sounds. On that day, I made a new life for myself with my kids. And I swore I would never allow another person to do that to me again, but then again, those were just words!
I finally got into another relationship and I did do it again. I forgot about actions, I relied on only words to get me what I wanted, I neglected my own boundaries, and I didn’t leave. Once again I became depleted.
So what is the moral to this story? Well it is exactly as I have begun it. We do allow or rather maybe we teach others how to treat us. We go into a relationship with baggage on both sides. What we do with that baggage is another thing entirely. If someone is treating you badly, then you can do what I did for 20 plus years, and keep being vocal about it, by all means, even use empty threats like “I’m Leaving”.. and there you are in the same bed the next day with the same object of not your affection, but of your pain. OR you can leave, leave it all behind. Because I can tell you sure as I am sitting here writing this to you all, that it will never change. And even if your partner becomes the most perfect person in the world for you, which is highly doubtful, you will never be the same person again. The damage will not allow for you to ever trust, to ever fully give of yourself.
If I could turn back time, which I certainly cannot, I would allow my voice to mirror my actions. Not just for one relationship, but for all of the relationships I have ever entered into. To find within myself, the power, not only on the strong days, but even more so on the weak days not to keep riding the merry go round of non action boundaries. And my hope for who ever is reading this is to find within yourself, the very same thing, and not to do what I have done. Love yourself enough to do the action, not to just say the words.
With Love,
Kate~
