How to support your trans* child
“Ask Addi” is Join the Gender Revolution’s weekly advice column for questions about gender, transitioning or general LGBTQ+ issues. Click here if you’d like to Ask Addi a question, or find them on social media, #ASKADDI. Questions are answered anonymously so provide a pseudonym if you’d like.
Do you have suggestions for supporting your trans kid?
First off, I am not a psychologist, social worker or parent of a trans kid, so I feel that I really need to direct you toward some other resources. Both the Human Rights Campaign and the National Center for Transgender Equality maintain resource pages for the families of trans kids. Either of these sites will provide you with some good information and direct you to even more.
As for my own advice, I implore you to remember that your child coming out to you is an act of trust. Because of our culture, trans kids often fear coming out, especially to their family so to come out means that they are taking a risk on you. Make sure that risk pays off. Support your kid.
Don’t ask if they’re sure or if it’s a phase. If they’re coming out, they’ve been living with this for a while so they know who they are. Trust your kid to know their own identity. Sometimes gender is confusing but someone who is coming out is someone who has spent a lot of time thinking about, exploring and worrying about their gender. Coming out is often the final step in coming to terms with their gender so they are indeed sure. A trans person who has come out is not confused, they figured things out and they’re letting you know.
When they choose a new name and change pronouns, respect that. It will be hard. You’ve been calling your child by a name you chose for them years ago and they’re suddenly rejecting that name, but they are not rejecting you. Remember that. If they’re coming out to you it’s because they want you to be part of their life. It’s just the name that doesn’t reflect who they are not your love. That’s still there. They just need a name that tells people who they are on the inside.
Ask your kid what they need from you. This empowers your child in their own life which can help build their confidence and strengthen them for any difficulties they’ll face in the future. It will help you too because they become your guide on this new journey you will be taking together. Listen to your kid.
If there are things you want to know about being trans but you’re not comfortable asking your kid, make Google your friend. The resources I gave you above and sites like Parenting Magazine can be a good place for you to start. Be sure that you’re getting good information. There are a lot of sites out there that try to spread disinformation to scare people into mistreating their trans children. Don’t fall for it. Get your info from a reputable source.
Find the support you and your kid will need. Your child may need a therapist not because being trans is a mental health issue but because trans people can be put under a lot of stress in our society. Make sure any therapist you engage understands the difference. You’ll also need a doctor who understands and is willing to work with trans patients, not all do or are. An internet search will help you find a good trans-friendly therapist and doctor in your area. For yourself, there are many groups out there that can help you deal with the changes in your life. I suggest contacting PLFAG to find a local chapter if you’re in the States.
There are many more things you’ll need to do but I think this gives you a good start. Above all, make sure your child understands that you love them, you’ll accept them and you’ll be there for them no matter what. Coming from an accepting family is the biggest predictor of a trans child growing up to be a successful adult. You can be that for your kid.
Check out the first article in the series if you’d like to know more about Addi’s background or the Ask Addi Archive for additional columns.
