(still) on my journey to heal
I never expected that my last writing would get so much attention. Well, it wasn’t that much like others yet it still surprised me that many people were willing to read and give claps.
Looking at the numbers, I felt relieved that I was not alone in this journey. There is a glimpse of enlightenment that in this crazy and chaotic world, many people relate to what I’ve been through.
So, what purpose am I bragging about that? Do you think that I will share some good news? I hope I can give you that. But, unfortunately, that’s the opposite.
As you can see from the title, a few months after writing that, I am still on my journey to heal myself. The journey isn’t easy.
Some days are good. Some days are bad. Some days are terrible. Some days are flat.
Most days, I feel like there is something wrong in my life that I couldn’t figure out. When something bad happened, there were moments I quickly felt a little depressed yet strangely it would go away, leaving me in emptiness.
I used to write to escape my feelings from getting too overwhelmed yet I just can’t find the right words. In my heart, I know I need to pour everything I kept inside. But, still, I feel like it was such a burden even if I was trying to make a poem.
You should cry. Say some people on the internet. But you know what the worst part of getting depressed? You even don’t know how to cry. You forget how to make tears streaming down on your face. Even if you try to remember your saddest memories, it just doesn’t come.
At this point, if there is an expert on crying, you might ask some advice.
But since you need to live your life, there is nothing you can do about it. Whatever happens in your life, even if it’s the worst one, you still need to keep your head up and move forward.
How about the horrible, gloomy, and dark feeling inside you? Left them behind. How about sharing it with your closest one? Sounds bullshit to me.
What do you expect from people these days? None. Most of us are caught up in our own business so there is not a single space left to think about anything else. I am not blaming you since I am also one of those people.
There are just so many things happening in my life, both in the past and present, that I can’t tell you about.
The end of the question is, how I cope with that? I am still trying to figure it out.
People used to say that there must be a silver lining to every problem and that’s what I try to believe. Despite my bad days, I tried to find and collect every single piece of good things in my life that kept me going.
I read a lot though that I consider my way to escape for a while. Even now I already reached a stage where I buy books over my budget.
I watch a lot of movies, series, and variety shows. I am practically trying to do anything that can give me reasons to continue my life, whatever it takes. Even I picked up painting (I mean painting by number) that I used to hate.
And for the last few days, there has been a series that I love to watch called ‘Through the Darkness”. While I am watching, there are some quotes I find very powerful.
Not to mean to be a spoiler, but in the last episode, the main character delivers a speech saying this.
In this chaotic and dramatic world, perhaps the only thing that prevents us from doing evil may be in our ability to touch people’s hearts.
I hope you learn to accept your own heart.
I find the words powerful which makes me think deeply. I finally get some point that most of us, when we encounter bad days, we tend to hurt ourselves.
Not always about physical, but sometimes we tend to blame ourselves until it reaches the point that our existence is no longer meaningful.
But, here is a thing, there is no guarantee you will be kind or evil. It is the same with there is no guarantee that you will have good or bad days every time.
But I think,
once you learn to accept your heart, whatever happens, you will be fine.
That’s the new belief I try to hold on to now. It is not easy but I hope all of us one day will learn to accept our own heart.
