How Do We Fix this “Ravaging Family” Pandemic?

Men are the protectors and maintainers of women, because Allah has made one of them to excel the other, and because they spend (to support them) from their means. Therefore the righteous women are devoutly obedient (to Allah and to their husbands), and guard in the husband’s absence what Allah orders them to guard (e.g. their chastity, their husband’s property, etc.)... — Qur’an 4[An-Nisa’]:34

We’ve come a long way on the trail of this global pandemic. The crisis have affected people to a point that it’s now seen as a norm, we’d live with it. I think what’s more threatening today is the collapse of family structure in our societies. Many homes are devoid of father figures to lead and mentor the kids through positive masculinity. The family is the first abode of solace and refuge for a child. They learn the basis of emotional and moral intelligence through awareness, understanding and support from parents.

Without doubt, Muslim families have been well known to be the bedrock of sanctuary and morality in their respective communities. Unfortunately, we’re beginning to lose that sanctity and this is because we’re failing to connect with the basis of our guidance — the Qur’an and Sunnah. Gender roles are switching, men are becoming irresponsible, wives are wearing the feminists’ hat.While the kids are increasingly becoming rebellious and everyone is dancing to the tune of westernization under the guise of civilization. This is the bedrock of our higgledy-piggledy situation.

In this piece, we examine the fact that there’s a “failing family” pandemic currently encroaching a lot of Muslim homes. Marriage crashes, children having identity issues and leaving faith, suicidal attempts etcetera. And it’s our duty as vicegerents of our Lord to be aware of this and strive our best to salvage the situation. The ways and manners in which we address these issues may fall under how we implement the following tips vis-a-vis:

1. Leadership: When two drivers try to control the steering wheel of a car, what happens? It often leads to an accident. Allah has made the man the leader of the family to settle this score. And it’s now incumbent upon him to live up to the task to the best of his ability. Leadership here’s is not a position but the actions you take. Authority isn’t an opportunity to oppress, but a chance to guide and lead the family aright. Some men complain today that their wives are not being submissive. This may be because the man isn’t fulfilling his responsibilities as ordained by Allah. Only a woman out of her mind will not respect a husband who protects, provides, shows love, care and mercy to his household.

There are 3-Ps to manliness which a man as the leader of the family should strive to fulfill: provision, protection and procreation. It’s your responsibility as head of household to provide adequate food, accommodating shelter, clothing and other basic needs for your family. Your role goes further in ensuring that your wife and kids are well protected physically, spiritually and emotionally. Having a progeny is part of the objective of establishing a family so you’d have to fulfill this need as well. Marriage is a fair partnership and one party cannot do it all alone. Hence, the wife also has a role to play as a ‘supporting striker’ in order to help the husband achieve this herculean task. Everyone has a role to play and that’s why Allah’s Apostle Peace Be Upon Him said:

On the authority of Abdullah ibn Umar Radhiallahu Anhu: The Messenger of Allah, peace and blessings be upon him, said, “Every one of you is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock. The leader of people is a guardian and is responsible for his subjects. A man is the guardian of his family and he is responsible for them. A woman is the guardian of her husband’s home and his children and she is responsible for them. The servant of a man is a guardian of the property of his master and he is responsible for it. No doubt, every one of you is a shepherd and is responsible for his flock.” — Bukhari and Muslim

2. Emotional and Social Intelligence: These are key elements required in fixing the failing family pandemic. We learn how to guide, help, correct and engage with others properly through this means. A healthy family relationship requires a perspective of emotional understanding and social investment. Human interaction is complex and our role in how we make people feel may go a long way in shaping their character as well. Research has shown that the foundations for emotional capacities like emotional management, emotional flexibility and emotional understanding is laid in early childhood.

An emotionally unintelligent adult is most likely a victim of emotionally unintelligent parenting methods. Why do we see older kids smacking younger ones? It’s most likely because they’ve received such maltreatment from their parents when they made similar mistakes. Parents are meant to seize opportunities to enlighten children and help them learn in the process. We need to put ourselves in their shoes and remember there was a time while we were like them and did the exact same things they’re doing. Even though some of our parents were tough on us while growing, it doesn’t mean that we have to transfer that aggression to the next generation. Yelling towards children make them aggressive both physically and verbally. Therefore, we need to be kind and gentle with them using the right words. This in no way means that you spare the rod and spoil the child neither. Rather, it’s your duty to explore disciplinary measures within acceptable limits.

Anas ibn Malik reported: I served the Prophet, peace and blessings be upon him, for ten years. By Allah, he never even said to me, “Uff!” He never said harshly, “Why did you do that?” or, “Why did you not do that?” — Bukhari and Muslim

3. Doing things together: As parents, we have a responsibility of being role models to our kids. Our inability to live up to this task may have a resounding adverse effect on the society at large. Learning, struggling and working together to solve a problem is an effective way for parents to increase their children’s interpersonal skills. I can understand working with kids is difficult, hence you’d need to exceed in patience. Children learn a lot by doing! So when you allow them to do something, they feel like you’ve given them an opportunity to prove themselves and show you how good they are. By doing this, you are entrusting them and teaching them leadership skills.

In an instance where you engage children, do not have a mindset of perfection. Let them make mistake and you correct them kindly. Failure is part of the learning process and the mere attempt for a child to do something is a fulfillment of purpose for them. Hence, do not instruct your kids to go and observe salat while you’re watching you favorite TV show. Get up make wudoo and pray together. Do the adhkaar after salat together, recite the Quran together, eat together and play with one another. In fact, you will win their heart if you master their hobby and engage in it with them. This will pave way for a bonding relationship and enhanced communication. Children want to believe they have someone they can trust and operate on the same frequency before they open up on matters disturbing them.

4. Listening actively and being patient: The art of listening is a key communication skill we all need to master. In many relationships today, people listen to respond and not to understand. It begins with couples listening actively to eachother in order to know how genuine their plights are. This is where empathy comes in as well. Attentive listening builds a strong bond within family members. Kids love to be heard when they speak and they expect a feedback from the conversation as well. Many times, women do not expect you to wear your Superman cape and solve their problems. All they need is a listening ear to hear their rants. They know how to figure out the solution themselves, they just want to pour out their minds. And mere listening followed by a kind word solves the problem for them.

The Prophet peace be upon him had a grandson Al-Hussein ibn Ali who stutters. One time, the boy was trying to complete a speech in a gathering with other companions and then he began stuttering. Allah’s Apostle never hurried him up nor aid him in completion of the sentences. He allowed the boy to take his time in the expression and listened with full attention. When Hussein was done, the Prophet PBUH comforted him by saying: ‘he inherited this stuttering from his uncle Musa AS. See how beautiful Allah’s Messenger PBUH listened and followed up with a positive comment.

In addition, patience is required while dealing with eachother. Husbands need to be patient with their wives and vice versa. Fixing the family pandemic is not kum ba ya. It’s also incumbent for parents to understand that the growth process with children take time. We often imagine that children think like us or they should understand what we want them to do. We often forget that while we were of their age, we didn’t know what we know today. Experience is built over time therefore we need to be patient with our kids while they’re undergoing the growth process. They’d make mistakes, it’s okay let them learn through it. It’s a gross error to think that you can safeguard your kids by any means necessary from all pitfalls in life. What’s most important is that you teach them faith, good character and manners of reacting to life challenges. When they have this, they’d be alright! Remember, great things take time so be easy on them.

5. Make a lot of dua’: Finally, never forget to always supplicate for your children. Many parents today have forgotten that the prayers they make is never rejected — especially the ones from the mother. As parents, do not get into the habit of cussing and never should you curse them neither. The Prophet Ibrahim AS was an excellent example when it comes to parenting. He led his son in an exemplary way by building the Kaaba together. After that, he prayed to Allah to accept it from them. One of the beautifully accepted dua’ from our father Ibrahim which I recommend for every parent is:

My Lord, make me an establisher of prayer, and [many] from my descendants. Our Lord, and accept my supplication.Our Lord! Forgive me and my parents, and (all) the believers on the Day when the reckoning will be established — Qur’an 14[Ibrahim]:40–41

The story of Imam Bukhari is another interesting one. It might surprise you to know that the young Scholar was blind at some point in his early days. It was his mother who prayed to Allah to restore his eye sight and the dua’ was accepted. Imagine how much benefit we’ve derived from the works of the Imam today. That dua’ has not only fixed his own family but billions of Muslims over generations who read his works till the last day.

Allah’s Messenger PBUH was well known for making supplication for children. Umm Sulaim (may Allah be pleased with her) once asked Prophet Muhammad to make dua for Anas Bin Malik (may Allah be pleased with him). Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings be upon him) supplicated to Allah for an increase in knowledge and prosperity for Anas Bin Malik. Allah answered this dua as well as blessed Anas in multiple ways. He was one of the most narrators of Hadith and a teacher to many of the tabi’een. Anas lived to the age of 103 and had 80 children. He was the last sahabah to pass away in the year 93 AH.

There’s more to talk about on this subject matter but I think it’s sufficient that we keep it simple and short. Let’s learn these processes, understand them and implement in our lives. One of our goals in life is not to live forever because we will certainly die. However, we can leave a lasting legacy for our descendants. You may ask me: how? It’s by fixing the ravaging family pandemic and raising righteous offsprings who will be conscious of Allah and bring benefit to humanity.

Yaumul Jum’ah 24th Jumadal Akhir 1443H // Friday 28th January 2022.

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