Marital Success and Failure depends on One Thing
And marry those among you who are single (i.e. a man who has no wife and the woman who has no husband) and (also marry) the Salihoon (pious, fit and capable ones) of your (male) slaves and maid-servants (female slaves). If they are poor, Allah will enrich them out of His Bounty. And Allah is All-Sufficient for His creatures needs, All-Knowing (about the state of the people). — Qur’an 24[An-Nur]:32
It’s been a while we discussed marriage. I love to talk about it because I know pretty well it’s part of our deen and it’s a real business. Marriage is a sacred institution and its success has a positive boomeranging effect on society. If you follow this newsletter, you’d recall we’ve talked about the beautiful traits to look for in a prospective spouse. Besides looking out for the good, we also mentioned the pre-marital bad sides in order to avert them. Then the discussion was taken further by opening our eyes to the ugly realities of marriage. Dear reader, marriage is no child’s play. If you’re not ready physically, emotionally, mentally and financially it’s best you stay away till you’re full-blown. Otherwise, you may ruin your future, that of your spouse and your possible progeny. The objective of marriage is not to divorce, but this is an option if one party feels unjustly treated.
So we’re always carried away by the so-called love feeling. When we feel emotionally inclined to someone, we think we are in love. Since we are in love, then the marriage will work. It doesn’t work that way, you have to define your goal in the relationship. Why are you getting married to this person? Will you still remain in the marriage fifteen years from now? It is your “why” that will push you far and keep you going amidst all odds.
Love is not a thing
Do you really believe in love? Well, I sure do — only that it sometimes appears to me as a conspiracy. You sometimes tell yourself: “I’m in love”, right? Or seldom ask those you love: “do you love me”? We often think the answer is yes or no, but this feeling is something else entirely. In reality, love has to be chosen and then built upon over time. It’s like a flower in the garden, watered to blossom. It looks so simple, yet far more complex. And this is why love doesn’t guaranty marital success. I’ve seen many people who claimed to be in love, yet the union wouldn’t stand the test of time. As well, one spouse may love the other but being in love requires both parties to share similar affection and care. So if one party nurtures the union with love yet the other brings crap, it just tells that love is not enough. Although, love is a catalyst that works great wonders.
The Intention is all that matters
A memorable scenario occurred during the lifetime of prophet Muhammad. When the Muslims were persecuted in Mecca and Allah ordered His messenger to migrate to Medina, a man emigrated with the prophet just for the sake of a woman he intended to marry. After the prophet was divinely inspired and the people were talking about it, then the Hadith came to limelight.
It was narrated on the authority of Amirul Mu’minin, Abu Hafs ‘Umar bin al-Khattab, radiyallahu ’anhu, who said: I heard the Messenger of Allah, sallallahu ‘alayhi wasallam, say: “Actions are (judged) by intention (niyyah), so each man will have what he intended. Thus, he whose migration (hijrah) was to Allah and His Messenger, his migration is to Allah and His Messenger; but he whose migration was for some worldly thing he might gain, or for a wife he might marry, his migration is to that for which he migrated.”
[Al-Bukhari & Muslim]
This hadith is one of the fundamentals of Islam and it serves as a bedrock for injunctions. Besides the fact that it addresses this topic directly; it also affirms that the success or failure of marriages depends on the intention of getting married. This statement is not only sound because it was divinely inspired, it logically makes sense as well. People will always get what they intend — if Allah wills.
And why would you marry a woman?
In another beautiful narration, Allah’s apostle puts it clear to us the reasons for which a woman may be married. He then went further to admonish us on the best kind of woman to get married to.
Abu Hurayrah (may Allaah be pleased with him) from the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) who said: “A woman may be married for four things: her wealth, her lineage, her beauty and her religious commitment. Seek the one who is religiously-committed, may your hands be rubbed with dust (i.e., may you prosper).” — Agreed upon
Al-Imaam-un-Nawawi (may Allaah have mercy on him) said in Sharhu Saheeh Muslim:
“The correct view concerning the meaning of this hadeeth is that the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) spoke of what people usually do, for they seek these four characteristics. The last of which in their view is a religious commitment, but you who are seeking to follow the right way should seek the one who is religiously committed. This is not a command to do so. The hadeeth encourages us to seek the company of religiously-committed people in all things, because the one who keeps company with them will benefit from their good attitude and good ways, and will be safe from any bad influence from them.”
Besides Intention, actions speak louder
While intention remains the cornerstone to marital bliss, our actions drive it to reality. Marriage has a language which comes in five different dialects. Mastering these dialects will go a long way in strengthening your relationship with your spouse. These were well exemplified by the best of mankind — Muhammad SAW as depicted below…
- Spending quality time with each other: The prophet SAW used to spend time with his wives every day. After praying fajr, he goes by visiting the house of each one of them. In an authentic narration, A’ishah reported that she accompanied the Prophet in a travel when she was still slim. The Prophet told people to move forward and then he asked A’ishah to race with him. They had a race and A’ishah won. In a later travel, when `A’ishah had forgotten the race and had already gained weight, the Prophet told her to race with him again. She declined, “How can I race with you while I am in such a condition?” The Prophet insisted and they did have a race. The Prophet won this time. He laughed and then said, “Now, we are even”. So spend time with your spouse, listen more during communication and pay attention while being together.
- Exchanging gifts with your spouse: In a sound hadith according to Ibn Majah, Abu Huraira was reported: The Prophet SAW said, “Give each other gifts and you will love each other.” Indeed this is one of the actions that breed love, do it with a pure intention without expecting a payback from the beneficiary.
- Expressing your love with affirmative actions: Anas narrated that the Prophet SAW was asked: ‘O Messenger of Allah, which of the people is most beloved to you?’ He answered: “`A’ishah.” He was asked, ‘And among men?’ He said: ‘Her father.’ (Ibn Majah). Do not be shy to proclaim your love publicly to your spouse. In fact, tell her ‘I Love You’ then show her how much you do.
- Giving physical touch: Imam al-Daylami records a narration on the authority of Anas ibn Malik that the Messenger of Allah SAW said: “One of you should not fulfill his (sexual) need from his wife like an animal, rather there should be between them foreplay, kissing and words.” — (Musnad al-Firdaws Of al-Daylami, 2/55). Being romantic is not haram, in reality, it is a highly recommended act. Kissing, touching, hugging, fondling, caressing are all laudable acts to be engaged in between married couples.
- Doing something surprising or supportive: Some men think helping a woman with house chores is a taboo, well the best of mankind did it. His wife, Aisha was once asked: “What did the Prophet SAW do in his house?” She replied: “He used to keep himself busy serving his family and when it was the time for prayer he would go for it.” — Bukhari.
In Sum
The intention is all that matters most in having a blissful marital relationship. It’s a man with good intention that will not smack you when you do something silly and annoying. It’s a woman with good intention that will be patient with you after your excuses and failure. Seek righteousness in your spouse and enjoy prosperity in your relationship. Remember there’s no perfect marriage anywhere. The grass is only greener when it’s nurtured with care, patience, and love. May Allah bless us with the bliss of a happy matrimony. Amin.
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