Poetry
Where I’ve Been
And Where I Hope to Go
I saw the light at the end of the tunnel
Ran and trapped it between my palms
Held it tightly as I slept through the night
Only to find it dead the next morning
Having suffocated while the stars looked away
Leaving this hope to rot in the prison of choice
This February, my psychiatrist victim blamed me. It left me reeling. To be honest, I’m still trying to fight my way back. But, I’m better today than I have been in a long while. So I’m taking advantage of this headspace and finally putting these fingertips back to work.
It’s been months since I’ve posted. Even longer since I’ve read my friends’ and favorites’ words. This lacking has laid heavily on my spirit. Medium has been my happy place for almost two years. Here I get to share my work with other survivors and caring hearts. I get to make my dreams of becoming a working writer a reality. I’ve missed the joy and hope this place once brought me. I’m tired of the voices in my head trying to convince I’m not worthy of being here.
Not all my demons have vanished. They never will. Believing they would was my mistake. I believed my mental health treatment would vanquish all that held me back. That getting better meant I was better. But that voice in my head? It isn’t interested in isolated battles. It’s set on war. It intends to oppress and take me down. This is its only goal. I know this now.
I have been preparing myself for this lifelong conflict with my therapist. We’re coming up with tools and resources I can rely on when my brain goes off. We’re still at the building stage, but I do have some of these tools on my belt. It’s just about grabbing them when I need to. That’s the hard part.
My brain has spent my life trying to convince me I’m not worth the effort. But I am. It wouldn’t have to work so hard at trying to convince me I was worthless if it was true. There is clearly a larger and stronger force within me. It has kept me alive and on this healing journey for the past three years. This is my source of power. And unfortunately for the voices in my head, this force will overcome them. They will become mere whispers throughout the day. And soon I’ll be able to silence them when I need to get things done. This war may never end, but I will die victorious. Having lived a life that was mine.
AVG
This was originally started at the beginning of April. I have since relapsed, but am getting better. I still hope to return to Medium. [April 27, 2024]
