Bystanders
The most important aspect of keeping my depression under control is dealing with it myself.
This is Part 4 of the Dealing with Depression series. Check out Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3 on KnowledgeBottle. Don’t forget to follow us!
I’ve already stressed the importance of friends and family when dealing with depression. Even if you’re a particularly self-sufficient individual you will always find yourself at a disadvantage when going up against reality. You are simply biased when it comes to your own thoughts. A simple Quora round will give you enough reasons why it’s nearly impossible to stay neutral in a battle with yourself.
Now, you’ll see that finding the right people to share your burden with is not exactly a piece of cake either. It was hard for me to understand that sharing your mind is not sharing per se. In fact, I’d say it’s quite the opposite: the level of confusion I would feel made it impossible to put my feelings into words. Instead, I would spend hours listening to everyone else’s problems. Keeping my mind busy, not allowing it to wander into the abyss of my soul.
However, the people that have known me for a while can tell right from the bat when something is off. It’s either my breathing, my inability to make eye contact, my general posture, the tone of my voice or the way I’m dressed that would give it away. And they also know me well enough to not address it directly. You see, I’m a particularly heinous breed of a**hole and I usually defend myself by attacking others. And of course, I want to defend the thing that makes me special.
So, how do I get the help I need? By surrounding myself with people I can trust but are not necessarily inclined to psychoanalyze me. For me, trust is essential in this context, because I do not trust myself to be alone in certain moments. Which means that I need to find people I can be alone with. People that don’t bug me, that don’t want to save me or fix me. I need observers. Friends and family members that can watch me unravel and intervene only in force majeure scenarios.
One way I keep my depression under control is dealing with it myself. Understanding, forgiving and loving myself. For me personally, external forces smashing their way into my mind with their self-help books don’t do the trick, they just make me feel more guilty and ashamed. It’s quite the conundrum.
It’s somewhat easier with friends. It makes sense for people around your own age and from similar backgrounds to relate and understand your need for supervised solitude. But nothing beats a mother’s attention, right?
My family’s support got me where I am today. No amount of gratitude could ever be enough to repay their efforts throughout the years. Without their strength and discipline, I would not have been here today. This is one of the many reasons why I am very protective of my family. They are also absolute saints. My mom is one of the strongest people I know. My father is one of the most solemn people I know. Loyalty, love and infinite patience are the things that kept us together.
Seeing my mother suffer because she can’t help me out is hard. There are moments when I simply need my mommy and this was something we both had to learn: we need to keep an eye on each other without overstepping the boundaries we’ve set up. Protecting your parents is going to be your first instinct. It will help you put a brave face on and make you feel somewhat satisfied with yourself for your maturity. But the reality is that this choice can lead to other problems so you might as well let them in gradually.
Your parents will never fully understand you. But they will also never stop caring. Mutual understanding, patience, and regular check-ins help put all our minds at ease. My parents have a key to my home and they will panic if I don’t reply to their text in a matter of minutes. Which is nice.
I feel like this might be one of my most incoherent articles from this series. It’s difficult to dissect the relationships you have with your family, in particular since they’ve been built in time. Simply put, I knew I could trust my parents and friends even before I knew I could trust myself. Even when my individuality was taking shape or amidst the darkest times my only certainty was that I am surrounded by people who care. So if I can’t bring myself to find the strength to keep afloat for me, I should find that strength for them.
Since endings are something we should steer away from considering the general topic of the series, I will refrain from writing a conclusion. I won’t write a grand paragraph in which to enumerate all the precious things I’ve learned from revisiting my memories. And I won’t try to justify my attempt at extrapolating a recipe for success. What I will say again though, is that depression can be dealt with, and it can even be cured if that’s what you want. But rather than fighting against your nature you should maybe spend some time understanding yourself. Stay safe!
