In the Director’s Chair
Feedback on: “The Monster in the Woods”
These articles provide feedback on stories submitted by brave writers looking to learn and grow. Comments will be provided on anything from title and pictures, to grammar, language, and cohesion. All feedback is meant to help both the original author and anyone else reading this, and general writing tips will be highlighted.
Get out the popcorn! The moment I started reading this story, I was swept into a kind of movie scene. Initially, of course, I was in the audience, imagining being seated comfortably in a darkened cinema and watching a modern Hitchcock-like thriller. Soon after the story progressed, it felt as if I was becoming one with the protagonist, running for his life from a monstrous silhouette.
Spoiler alert! (I’ll give you a second to decide if you want to know how it ends.)
The creature vanishes, and the protagonist is safe again. But as much as I praise this young author for the little goosebumps his story gave me, I do wish it hadn’t ended the way it did for the story’s sake. It left me hanging slightly, like hoping for that last drop of maple syrup to fall from its now-empty bottle. How sweet — or savoury — it could have been to see a twist, a cliffhanger, or a lingering mystery just when it was getting chillingly hot!
The narrative pace was just picking up; the adrenaline coursing through my veins was pumping faster and causing a secondary cascade of reward-hungry dopamine demanding, “More! More! More!” Beads of sweat form on the reader’s temple. Hands get damp. Chest heaves. Winded.
Does our protagonist jump? Does he fight back? Zeus, Shiva, Jor-El, anyone! Help this young soul! We beckon for thee, thy Almighty-ness, in this moment of life or… (cough)
But this isn’t a movie review. So, let’s move on.
Title
Mridul’s story title is simple and honest. Nothing is wrong with that. Now that I’ve read the story over a few times, I might not call the creature in chase a monster per se. Of course, it’s undeniably frightening to be chased by something unknown in the dark, but a reader might wonder after reading it what makes the creature a monster. I suppose it depends on one’s definition of the word. However, it does not seem to do anything directly harmful other than chase the protagonist; it neither utters a sound nor leaves any physical evidence of violence. Personally, I would use a word like shadow as the author consistently refers to it as a silhouette and nothing more.
Tip 1: Some words are more imporant to the story than others. Make sure to thoroughly consider these. For example, using precise word(s) to describe the antagonist here is key to a better understanding by the reader and possibly a better narrative effect.
Pictures
Good choice. The protagonist uses a flashlight at the beginning of the story, so it is safe to assume that it takes place at night. The darkness may be insufficient for some readers, but that should be a minor technicality.
Formatting
Since it is a short 3-minute story, the formatting is appropriately simple, requiring no breaks or additional images either.
Grammar
Overall, Mridul’s accuracy in grammar, spelling, and punctuation is commendable. Prepositional phrases can be tricky or counter-intuitive, but once learned and mastered, they will soon become a problem of the past. For instance, “frightened by, toward me, and about to go.” Paying attention to idiomatic expressions when reading a variety of texts would also go a long way in enriching the English writing experience.
Links and Citations
The story didn’t contain any quotes to cite, and not all stories need to. So, that is that. Let’s move on.
Okay, maybe we can look at the expression, “Geronimo!” I won’t get into the viral debate on TikTok about whether it’s a slur word (and it isn’t). However, there are two points to consider:
Feeling: The author used this word correctly, with an exclamation mark, when the protagonist wrote: “I would be free falling toward the ground faster than you could say, Geronimo!” The word’s association with falling from a high place is accurate, but the feeling is one of exhilaration — a positive state — rather than from a state of panic and distress. Think bungee jumping and skydiving. They’re (supposed to be) fun!
Inclusivity: Speaking of skydiving, US paratroopers cried out “Geronimo!” as they jumped out of planes during World War II. Originally this name belonged to a celebrated native-American leader and medicine man from the Apache nation (1829–1909) who resisted the US government and military. So, clearly, “Geronimo!” is an American-centric expression.
Tip 2: When using words or concepts that might not be familiar to all readers, you can add a link to this, giving readers a fun fact to take away.
Language
No glaring issues with word choice, voice, mechanics, and structure affected the meaning or message of the story. Mridul’s use of colourful vocabulary stood out, such as cacophonous clangour, an unfamiliar pairing of words resulting in this entertaining alliteration. Still, it would help the reader if there was more description of the surroundings and the main characters, just enough to keep a balance between action and description.
I might suggest that the same word not be repeated too often and in close proximity as it might feel tedious to some readers. For example, the word silhouette is used four times in two adjacent paragraphs, making the word feel repetitive. Here, synonyms like shadow or dark figure could be mixed in.
Tip 3: Try to put enough space between the same word or switch to a synonym so that it does not feel repetitious. An appropriate variety of descriptive vocabulary makes the reading more informative and interesting.
Cohesion and Cadence
As I described earlier, the story generally flowed well and logically. Considering that the story was meant as a suspenseful story, the relatively long complex-compound sentences needlessly slow the buildup and distract the reader. After all, your protagonist trips and falls on the ground inches from the imminent threat!
Tip 4: Shorter and simpler sentences generally suit the pace and rhythm of a dramatic, scary chase. Running causes shortness of breath. Make the sentences match the situation: out of breath and in danger! Hh…hh…hhelp!
Closing Remarks
Mridul’s writing promises much more entertainment for his followers — current and future — as he advances his skills as a talented fiction writer. The mechanics of language can be learned at any age. What Mridul possesses seems to be a flaming ember of creativity ready to burn hotter with his imagination and passion for storytelling. We, his fellow Medium writers, would do ourselves a favour by supporting our young writers here on our shared journey and encouraging them to bring out their full potential.
Thank you again, Mridul, for submitting your story!
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