Book Review
Found in Transition by Paria Hassouri, MD
This mother’s relatable journey gave me clarity for my own.
Dr. Hassouri bares her soul in this memoir exploring her child’s gender transition. In its entirety, it is a book about her own journey as well as how having a transgender child affects the whole family.
It was interesting to hear another mom’s perspective on how she processed her own thoughts and feelings regarding her child’s gender transition. There were many similarities and a few differences between our transgender children.
Both our kids were ‘late bloomers’ in the sense that they didn’t share their possible transgender identity with us until mid-puberty. Dr. Hassouri shares how in the beginning this fact led her to believe her child was not actually transgender. So much of the information available to her pointed to transgender children coming out at much earlier ages.
She felt blindsided and struggled when her daughter, Ava, first began socially transitioning as did I with my own child.
Please don’t let them see a trans girl before they see the brilliance of his mind or the size of his heart. — Prologue
As parents, we don’t want our children’s lives to be filled with such horrible things as discrimination, brutality, marginalization, and unacceptance. The stigma attached to being transgender causes worry and fear to overrun our minds concerning our kids’ welfare and happiness.
This book explores how Dr. Hassouri came to terms with her own fears and concerns as well as how she navigated becoming an advocate for her daughter.
[E]very time I was holding back on taking any next step with Ava, it was out of fear and not of love. The loving choice would be to look at my child and see what they needed now and go with that. — page 118
She reminds us how we can work through the difficulties of understanding ideas that are foreign to us.
She shares bits of her daughter’s sexuality and how she allowed that to dictate in her own mind her child’s gender. The idea of sexuality, gender, and gender expression all existing on a spectrum is not the easiest thing to fully understand. It was a comfort to know that a pediatrician such as Dr. Hassouri struggled with the same things as I have.
When Dr. Hassouri shares her interaction with other parents and families with transgender kids in group meetings, I found myself underlining and highlighting many passages. There’s something therapeutic about hearing another parent express exactly what you’ve experienced, thought, or felt inside your own heart.
The feeling of not being alone helps all of us embrace our struggles and move forward.
When another mother relates to Dr. Hassouri how Ava reminds her of her own daughter — specifically, the late coming out and having no idea her child was transgender — the possibility starts to sink in that Ava may indeed be transgender.
I realized there was nothing more Ava could have done to convince me. I had to hear other mothers tell their stories. — page 112
I was happy to read how group therapy changed Dr. Hassouri’s perspective as I’ve had the same experience. And Ava’s reaction to her first meeting mirrored my son’s — the excitement and happiness exploding from a child who is normally more withdrawn and shy.
Repeatedly throughout this book, Dr. Hassouri surprises me with observations and revelations similar to my own journey. It’s amazing the things our kids can teach us — about themselves as well as the world.
Saying I’m nonbinary, it’s not who I am. I am a girl. To say I’m nonbinary is an omission of who I really am, and an omission is a lie. — Ava, page 74
As a teenager struggling with their own identity, Ava continually shares the mature and insightful view she has with her mother. Her words and actions have a powerful impact on her mom.
[T]his kid who just saw people as people…I again found myself proud that this person I had raised was aware of the importance of being herself, of living her truth…[O]omitting or denying an aspect of someone’s gender identity is a lie and not a true acknowledgment of all that they are. — pages 75–76
Ava is someone we should all try to emulate.
Having a transgender child changes how you look at the world and others. It makes you more empathetic and humble. Trans youth have a perspective and insight more people should try to imitate.
Dr. Hassouri shares a favorite quote with her readers at the beginning of the book that I feel mirrors the theme throughout her family story.
No matter the issue, parenting always involves this balance between what you know, what you guess, what you fear, and what you imagine. You’re never certain, even (maybe especially) about the big deals, the huge, important ones with all the ramifications and repercussions. But alas, no one can make these decisions, or deal with their consequences, but you. — Laurie Frankel, This Is How It Always Is
The struggle to admit there are things we might not know or understand about our own children is not easy for many parents. But it’s important to not only ask for help when we need it but heed the advice we receive from the experts we employ.
It’s hard as a mother to in a way give over your child to someone and have them tell you about your child, but it’s time to accept that and get over these expectations of what as a mother I should know. — page 120
Dr. Hassouri’s apprehension to starting Ava on hormone therapy, changing her legal name, and making so many ‘permanent’ decisions regarding her daughter’s life was very relatable. It’s so easy to worry about making the wrong choice for our kids and it seems having a transgender child involves a lot of extra decisions that many of us are not prepared for.
I really enjoyed Found in Transition. Dr. Hassouri’s unique view and apparent kind heart make this a must-read for anyone trying to better understand their transgender youth, but specifically, parents who may be struggling to help and support their trans children.
Reading about Dr. Hassouri’s journey gave me more clarity for my own.
Grab 10 Questions Every Parent Should Ask Their Transgender Teen.
Zada Kent is creator of LGBTQueer-ies & proud parent to her transgender son.
