Pain Makes More Sense
Heartbreaks, loss, death, depression, guilt, sadness, and the king of them all Pain. Choose your pain —
It’s almost noon, I promised myself — “by 8:00 am.” Well, truth be told, that was not the first lie of the day. Woke up at the wrong side of the bed I guess, after the long night editing and working, I said to myself it’s only fair — Just another 30 minutes more wouldn’t hurt.
Swiping the snooze button on the screen, covering my head all the way leaving a pouch just enough not to suffocate through the snooze nap. — That’s what — I call them these days. Twenty minutes into the snooze nap, a scary thought kicks in. Like the time you forgot to turn off the gas or lock the door after a long night. — you know what it’s like. That spike of anxiety that gets you while you are lounging, or like me taking a snooze nap. 30 minutes turned out to be a 2-hour sleep.
You ask yourself, why didn’t I hear the alarm ring? Rushing out of the sheets, thoughts flooding in, my eyes dilate frozen through it all. I remember “work deadline, the laundry, and ohh — the dishes.” Feeling overwhelmed still standing beside my bed. Saying to myself what a mess! Just missed breakfast.
Guilt kicks in, “You such a loser, how could you betray us.” — the negative judgmental thoughts take over. There goes the self-trust out the window that I still have to opened. Walking downstairs, trying to justify my one mistake, — oversleeping. Blaming it on the work, “I deserved a rest.” In the moment a war erupted in my mind, a line divided between the person who worked all night versus the mid-day raiser. — Wondering if you have been there. It’s even hard to look in the mirror without loathing yourself.
Maybe it’s just me being harsh on myself, but should I be? really…
I knew what I should have done but sabotaged myself. I just created a domino effect that triggered the negativity. One that we all have, most people have creative ways of hiding away from it. The guilt, pain, and regret. We are our harshest critics since we are the only ones who know what we did. We could lie to the world, but to the mirror it’s as plain as day. “You did what you did.”
Now I figure that would this be the reason for my lack of confidence, and trust. Would I trust myself if I had a friend like me?
Halfway through the stairs from my snooze nap, I catch the conversations in my head. Weirdly a smile tires through my face. — It is what it is! “Blaming has no power to turn back time?”
Yap the quicker we get to the resolution of the matter the better we are to live with ourselves. You can’t be your worst enemy. Make peace and forgive build up trust again collect the wins once more. All the broken pieces of procrastination, betrayals, and heartbreak build those walls back up. Create that kingdom once again, and pledge to stick to your values and discipline.
The most important part of it all is, what’s next.
